In response to all the emails concerning my dog . . . ...
Please be advised I am sick and tired of receiving questions about my dog who mauled six illegal immigrants, four Greenies, two rappers,
nine teenagers with pants hanging down past their bums, eight salesmen speaking only broken English, three pairs of Jehovah's Witnesses, and a Pakistani taxi driver . ... .
FOR THE LAST TIME, THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE !
In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort".
The police still haven't seen the funny side, my lap top's been confiscated and the wife has gone off to her mum's.
Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin into an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya fool!"
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador. "Blow that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RACQ van.
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, that guy's heading for a breakdown.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said "You're obviously not listening."
The wife has been missing a week now.
Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London .
Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby
The wife was counting all the 5c and 10c pieces out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."
When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!
Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen.
The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.
An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.
History remembers Emily Davison, who threw herself in front of the King's horse to become a martyr for the suffragette movement.
It SHOULD remember her husband Boris, who didn't get his dinner that night.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
The Chancellor of Germany is visiting Poland. At the border, the agent asks "name?"
"Angela Merkel" she replies.
He proceeds, "occupation?"
"No, just visiting."
"Bloody hell." I said, walking into my mother in laws house exhausted. "That hill up to here's a bloody killer."
"Well if you're struggling with it at forty.." she replied with a chuckle, "You'll be in trouble when you get to seventy five, like me."
"I doubt it." I said. "By then, I won't need to come up here anymore."
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Don't laugh.I came here in 1971 and occupy was a new word in the german language(Russia occupied Hungary not long before)So there I was,next to no English and had to fill out some form,one question was OCCUPATION so I put in the date of my arrival to Australia.Originally Posted by cmangle
Childbirth at 65
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.
'May I see the new baby?' I asked.
'Not yet,' she said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'
'No, not yet,' She said.
After another few minutes had elapsed,
I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'
'No, not yet,' replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'
'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.
'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'
'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!
A man and his wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."
fred49au (18-10-14)
A female Mountie pulled over a drunk Newfoundland fisherman driving home down a back road.
She said, ''You're under arrest. Anything you say, can and will be held against you.''
''Tits!''& "Snatch" replied the Newfie.
A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach.
She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers, and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "How are you today?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.
"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered.
"Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes", he answered and again resumed his reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?"
With that the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit, and they enjoyed the most passionate lovemaking of their lives.
When the cloud of sand and dust began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
He replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?
They say 39 is the age at which men become 'invisible' to single women.
That's awesome!!! I'm 39 next year and I'll save a fortune on balaclavas.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and
walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he was introduced
to a U.S. Marine General. As they talked, the Iranian said, "I have just
one question about what I have seen in America."
The General said, "Well, is there anything I can do to help?"
The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show called Star Trek and in it
there is ... Kirk who is Canadian, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is
Scottish, Uhura who is black, and Sulu who is Japanese, ...but there are NO
Muslims. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any
Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians, or
Pakistanis on Star Trek."
The General leaned close to the Iranian Ambassador, and whispered in his
ear, "That's because ... it takes place in the future..."
lsemmens (20-10-14),Seymour Butts (21-10-14),Tiny (20-10-14)
When a leper SMS's you LMFAO there's a good chance they're telling you the truth.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Little Akio.l
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some History.
Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan , who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.
"Very good! -- Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth'?"
Again, no response except from Little Akio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
"Excellent!" said the teacher continuing, "Let's try one a bit more difficult –
Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country'?"
Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961."
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves,
Little Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "F**k the Japs."
"Who said that? -- I want to know right now!? she angrily demanded.
Little Akio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks, 'All right! -- Now who said that?"
Again, Little Akio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? -- Suck this!"
Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit! -- If you say anything else -- I'll kill you!"
Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004."
The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, We're screwed!"
Little Akio said quietly, "The Australian people, when Gillard was elected, August 2010."
A man received a text message "I am so sorry Harry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been helping myself to your wife,day and night when you're not around;In fact, more than you.
I do not get it at home,but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology.
My promise to you is that it won't ever happen again".
Poor Harry, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun and, without a word, shot his wife, dead.
A few moments later, a second text came in: . Bloody auto-correct !!! It should have read "wifi", not "wife" .
Brenda was in the fertilized egg business.
She had several hundred young 'pullets' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
She kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
Brenda's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To Brenda's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Brenda was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in the Brisbane City Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.
Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully in the next election, you can't always hear the bells.
Last edited by fred49au; 22-10-14 at 08:23 AM.
A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp
partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.
Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes.
The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.
The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a golf-course
mansion , surrounded by 50 beautiful women.
After he makes love to all of them, he begins to explore this fabulous house.
Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the
floor is covered in $100 bills.
Then, there's a knock at the door.
He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in ku klux
klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope
over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead.
As the klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods. It's the
two blonde genies.
One blonde genie says to the other one, 'i can understand the first
wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love
to..
I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire.
But why he wanted to be hung like a black guy is beyond me.'
Tonight a friend asked if he could crash on my couch.
I had to explain to him I was married now and that's where I sleep.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
A Little Golf Story
A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying
:"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know, Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this:
"God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy Moley, thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the otherside."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:
"God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy."
He practically went into shock.
He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.
He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there,
drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home..
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said: "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me this morning.
My golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson."
Tiny (25-10-14)
My Gf says having a small penis isn't a big deal.
But I would prefer her not having one at all.
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