What a bummer....
regular arse (_!_)
fat arse (__!__)
tight arse (!)
flat arse (_._)
bubble arse (_^_)
sore arse (_*_)
lop-sided arse (_!__)
swishy arse {_!_}
surprised arse (_o_)
arse that's been around (_O_)
kiss my arse (_x_)
leave my arse alone (_X_)
tired arse (_zzz_)
wise arse (_o^o_)
unlucky arse (_13_)
money out the arse (_$_)
dumb arse (_?_)
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Three couples, an old couple, a middle-aged couple and a young, newly married couple coincidentally moved to a rural Bible belt town, and on Sunday went to the church. The pastor seeing the strangers went up to them and asked them about themselves to which the couples gave polite answers.
The pastor then explained that it was a close-knit God-fearing community and before the strangers can join the church, they will have to prove themselves worthy. They need to resist the devil's temptations.
"Go forth an abstain from sex for a week and come back next Sunday".
The following Sunday all 3 couples turned up at church and were greeted by the pastor.
"How did you go?" he asked the old couple.
"The thought of sex never entered our heads."
"Welcome to the flock!"
And the middle-aged couple replied, " Well, by Thursday the thought was in our minds, but we managed to resist temptation and here we are."
"Welcome to this House of God."
Then the young man spoke up, "Well, Sunday night I had pretty strong urges but I resisted them. Monday the urges were stronger, but I knew it was just the Devil trying to tempt me. Tuesday the urges were so strong, but I held my ground."
"Then on Wednesday morning, my wife was bending over getting a chicken out of the freezer for our dinner, and I could not resist, so I lifted her skirt and gave it to her from behind."
"You wicked sinner! Get out of here and don't come back!"
"Wow, that's exactly what they told us at the supermarket, too."
A man farts in bed next to his wife.
His wife asks, "What in the world was that?"
He replies, "Try! I'm winning, seven nothing."
She decides to get even, so she lets one loose.
He yells at her,"What was that?"
She replies, "Try! Tied score."
He wants to get her back, but he tries so hard he sh*ts the bed.
The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"
He replies, "Halftime, switch sides."
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
For most of my life, I lived a delusion
Lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest feet she'd ever seen.
The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet being well endowed. The cowboy grinned and said, 'Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?'
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he said, 'Well, thankya, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before.'
'Don't be flattered... take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit
The sales girl at the Xtasy sex shop didn't bat an eyelid when a customer purchased an artificial vagina.
"What are you going to use it for?" she asked. "That's none of your business," answered the customer, beetroot red and thoroughly embarrassed.
"Calm down sir," smiled the sales girl, "the only reason I'm asking is that if you're going to eat it, then there's no GST."
Last edited by cmangle; 02-04-16 at 09:38 PM.
admin delete my post above this one as for some reason it didn't upload!
For most of my life, I lived a delusion
One day, a little girl asked her father,
"How did the human race start?"
The father answered,
"God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so all mankind was made."
Next day, the little girl asked her mother the same question.
The mother answered,
"Many years ago, there were monkeys, from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her father and said,
"Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Mum said they developed from monkeys?"
The father answered,
"Well, dear, it is very simple.
I told you about my side of the family and your mother told you about hers."
Tyrone was having trouble in school. His teacher was always yelling at him, "You're driving me crazy, Tyrone, can’t you learn anything!!? One day Tyrone's mother came to school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told her honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and that she had never seen such a stupid boy in her entire teaching career. The mom was so shocked at the feedback that she withdrew her son from school and moved out of Detroit, relocating to Cleveland.
25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an almost incurable cardiac disease. All the doctors strongly advised her to have open heart surgery,which only one surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic could perform. Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was remarkably successful.
When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome young doctor smiling down at her. She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but quickly died. The doctor was shocked, wondering what went wrong so suddenly. Then he turned around and saw our friend Tyrone, a janitor in the Clinic, who had unplugged the life-support equipment in order to connect his vacuum cleaner.
If you thought Tyrone had become a heart-surgeon, there is a high likelihood that you will vote for Bill Shorten.
STORY OF 2 BEGGARS
This is how you can get rich?.
Hasam and Habib are street beggars. They beg in different areas of London.
Habib begs just as long as Hasam but only collects £20 to £30 every day.
Hasam brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in
a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Habib says to Hasam 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you
bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?'
Hasam says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?
Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.
Hasam says 'No wonder you only get £20- £30.'
Habib says, 'So what does your sign say'?
Hasam shows Habib his sign.
It reads,
'I only need another £10 to move back to Syria.'
Stewie died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body,
so they sent for his two best friends, Mick and Paddy.
The three men had always done everything together.
Mick arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back
the sheet Mick said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad.
You better roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Mick said, 'Nope, ain't Stew.'
The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Paddy in to confirm the identity of the body.
Paddy looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well
burnt up. Roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Paddy said, 'No, it ain't Stew.'
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Paddy said, 'Well, Stew had two arseholes.'
'What? He had two arseholes?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:
There's Stew with them two arseholes’.
Tyrone was having trouble in school. His teacher was always yelling at him, "You're driving me crazy, Tyrone, can’t you learn anything!!? One day Tyrone's mother came to school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told her honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and that she had never seen such a stupid boy in her entire teaching career. The mom was so shocked at the feedback that she withdrew her son from school and moved out of Detroit, relocating to Cleveland.
25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an almost incurable cardiac disease. All the doctors strongly advised her to have open heart surgery,which only one surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic could perform. Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was remarkably successful.
When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome young doctor smiling down at her. She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but quickly died. The doctor was shocked, wondering what went wrong so suddenly. Then he turned around and saw our friend Tyrone, a janitor in the Clinic, who had unplugged the life-support equipment in order to connect his vacuum cleaner.
If you thought Tyrone had become a heart-surgeon, there is a high likelihood that you will vote for Malcolm TurdBull
No prize for seconds
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
I was addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.Originally Posted by enf
Posting Permissions
Reply With Quote
Bookmarks