Reply With QuoteIf you have an issue with a post... report it.
Now, back on topic please.
Last time I'll ask nicely.
PFFFT. Moderators. It's more than moderators that make comments. Select people can 'comment' without thread of retribution, whilst other poor bastards such as myself that dare to make a comment get slapped down for doing it and 'granted' special permission, once, because the post was deemed to be funny.
If you have an issue with a post... report it.
Now, back on topic please.
Last time I'll ask nicely.
Shit! I wasn't aware I was in the joke thread, so I'll slap myself on the back of the head and give myself an infraction.....happy?.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
OK, I've deleted all your reported posts in this thread... I also found and deleted a few of yours.Originally Posted by SpankedHam
Now, rather than trawling through this section to just whinge about others, I suggest your time in here would be better spent contributing some funny stuff.
enf.. I'm not your mother... clean up your own mess... lol.
Now... back to the jokes please!
I just got a photo from a speeding camera through the mail. I sent it right back – way too expensive and really bad quality.
Jimmy phoned the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the bush, it contains a fox and four cubs."
"That's terrible," replied the operator, "Are they moving?"
"I'm not sure, to be honest" said Jimmy, "But I suppose that would explain the suitcase."
Noah and his Ark.
A long post so be prepared.
In the year 2016. the Lord came unto Noah who was now living in Australia. He said, "Once again the earth has become wicked and overpopulated and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build me another Ark and save two of every living thing and a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints saying, "You have six months to build the Ark before I start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later the Lord looked down and saw Noah in his yard weeping ... but no Ark.
"Noah." He roared. "I am about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me Lord" begged Noah. "Things have changed. I need a building permit. I've been arguing with the Inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.
My neighbours claim that I have violated the neighbourhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. I had to go to VCAT for a decision.
Then the electricity company demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea.
I argued that the sea would be coming to me but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls but no go!
When I started gathering the animals I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. As well they argued that the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I am still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I am supposed to hire for my building crew. The trades unions say I cannot use my sons! They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience.
To make matters worse the Tax Office has seized all my assets claiming I am trying to leave the country illegally.
So forgive me Lord but it will take at least ten years for me to finish the Ark."
Suddenly the clouds cleared, the sun began to shine and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you are not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."
If Australia is a democracy why, then, is voting compulsory?
"What has changed between the arrival of the First Fleet and today?"
"Wearing leg irons is now not required."
Trump has just thrown the first black family from their home the bastard...
I think their name is................................................ ........obama, or something like that.
You can learn alot using Google, and the search button.....
Now that we have Uncle Donald in the white house, some have been worried about the fact that he has his finger on the nuclear button. You needn't be concerned, as this is a scenario he has gone over in his mind many times in the past....
Well, I'm comforted.....you?
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
A female dwarf goes to a doctor complaining of an embarrassing itch in the groin area.
The doctor looks her up and down, picks her up and stands her on his desk.
He lifts up her skirt and puts his head under.
A little perplexed, she hears snip, snip, snip, snip.
The doctor emerges from under her skirt.
'How's that?'
'Well, it's a lot better actually, but... it's still there.'
Undaunted, he dives back under her skirt.
Snip, snip, snip, snip. Out he comes.
'How's that?' he asks again more confident.
'That's wonderful! What did you do?'
'I trimmed the top of your Ugg boots.'
Political Correctness
I'm really confused when it comes to political correctness. There are definitely double-standards.
Like, in America, two black men can call each other "the N word" and everybody is cool with it.
And, two gay men, can call each other "faggot" and everybody is cool with it.
The other day I walked up to Al Gore and said "Hey, what's up, you fat bastard?" and he got all offended.
I will never understand PCness.
Last edited by irritant; 12-11-16 at 09:14 PM.
I was speeding down the road the other day when a traffic officer pulled me over.
He asked me "Sir, where on earth are you speeding to so fast?"
Thinking quickly, I answered "Well, officer, if you must know, I am late for the annual traffic officers' ball"
He looked at me smugly and said "Ah, I'm not falling for that one. Traffic officers don't have balls!"
Whats the difference between a politician and a flying pig?
The letter f
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Last edited by irritant; 13-11-16 at 08:20 PM.
Little Sally was digging a hole in her backyard when her neighbor asked what she was doing.
"I'm burying my pet bird", Sally said.
Her neighbor asked: "Isn't that an awfully big hole, for such a little bird?"
Sally replied: "Yeah, but he's inside your f*cking cat."
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
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