Why did the banana go to the doctors? Because he wasn't peeling very well!
I asked the librarian if there were any books on discrimination against people in wheelchairs.
She replied "Yes, up the stairs, on the top shelf to the left."
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
The Old Couple
One night, an old couple are preparing for bed.
All of a sudden, the bathroom door swings open to reveal the old lady in her robe. She flings open her robe and yells "Super Pussy!"
The old man answers "I'll just have the soup thanks."
What do you do if your girlfriend suddenly starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.
If u want to go on an expedition get a Land Rover, if u want to come home from an expedition get a Landcruiser!
Anton, do you think I’m a bad mother?
My name is Paul.
Last edited by irritant; 17-11-16 at 06:33 AM.
What's the difference between western girls and muslim girls?
Western girls get stoned BEFORE sex.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
After being married for 48 years, a wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her for a while, and then said, "You’re an alphabet wife... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K." She asks, "What the hell does that mean?"
He said, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fabulous, Gorgeous, and Hot".
She smiled happily and said, "oh that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
Two police officers responding to a domestic disturbance with shots fired arrive on scene. After discovering the wife had shot her husband for walking across her freshly mopped floor, they call their sergeant on his cell phone.
"Hello, Sarge"
"Yes"
"It looks like we have a homicide here."
"What happened?"
"A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped."
"Have you placed her under arrest?"
"No sir. The floor is still wet."
His funeral will be next Tuesday!Originally Posted by hazman
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
A redneck went to the hospital,
as his wife was having a baby.
Upon arriving, he sat down as the nurse said to him,
“Congratulations, your wife has had quintuplets,
five big baby boys."
And he said, "I'm not surprised.
I have a penis the size of a chimney."
The nurse replied, "You might want to consider
getting it cleaned. They’re all black."
An old woman looks at herself in the mirror whilst her husband sits reading his newspaper.
She says to her husband "I'm old, I'm fat and ugly, and I feel horrible about it. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
He says to her "Your eyesight is damn-near perfect."
Apparently it's very difficult to surgically remove a rolled-up newspaper and a pair of specs from a rectum.
Hospital visiting hours are 13:30 to 15:00 daily.
The people of Pompeii...
Mannequin challenge champions since 79AD.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
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