I met this girl in the bar the other night and she told me to come over to her house because there'd be nobody home.
As it turned out, she was right, got there and there was nobody home.
"Sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound.
At least, I'm pretty sure...
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
What is the difference between a snowman and a snow woman?
-
Snowballs.
Wife: "Sum me up in one word."
Husband: "You're my narcotic."
Wife: "Oh? Is it because I'm addictive?"
Husband: "You cost too much and you've ruined my life."
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
How do you cure a headache?
Put your head through a window and the pane will just disappear!
I don't know what she's crapping on about sometimes...
I woke up this morning and saw my wife sitting on the edge of the bed with two black eyes.
"What the f*ck happened to you?" I asked.
"This is what happens when you drink 14 stubbies of Coopers." she replied.
"That's bullshit," I said, looking in the mirror, "I drank 14 stubbies of Coopers last night and my face is fine."
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Zebra dies and goes to heaven. At the pearly gates he requests an audience with God as he has a question.
St. Peter says "What is the question"
Zebra says "I want to know if I am white with black stripes or black with white stripes"
St. Peter says "OK, that is a tough one and only God will know"
Some while later the Zebra returns.
St. Peter says "How did it go"
Zebra says"Well I asked and he answered but I still don't know"
St. Peter says "Well what did he say?"
Zebra says" He said, You is what you is"
St. Peter says "Well that is easy . You are black with white stripes"
Zebra says "How can you tell from that"
St Peter says "Well if you are white with black stripes God would have said You are what you are"
I absolutely HATE being a depressed atheist...
Nothing to live for...nothing to die for...
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
My wife is such a sweetheart. Every time she goes out to the bar alone she leaves her wedding ring with me so that I can think about her all night long.
I hate being bipolar. It's so awesome!Originally Posted by enf
Breaking news..................
Kayne West is said to be recovering well in hospital after a nine hour operation to remove his head from his arsehole.....
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
My kids keep taking the piss out of my Alzheimer's,
It won't be so funny when they wake up on Christmas morning
and there's no eggs under the ####ing bonfire!!!!
In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort".
The police still haven't seen the funny side, my lap top's been confiscated and the wife has gone off to her mum's.
I don't know if this is joke-thread funny, but had a bit of a chuckle when I saw it written on the wall of a bathroom stall:
Things I hate:
- Vandalism
- Lists
- Irony
Godzilla (26-11-16)
What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip!
Yoko Ono is going into the jungle to advise on bush tucker survival techniques
Apparently she has managed to live off a Beatle for 30 years
A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
The friend says, “Why not?”
The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”
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