The Joke thread - Some jokes may offend, read at own risk. Jokes only, no comments.

[enf]

When you first meet her, she says she's "bi".......you think woohoo!

Its not long before you realise she meant "polar"...

[Cthom]

Husband brings the child home from kindergarten and asks his wife, "He’s been crying the whole way home. Isn’t he sick or something?" "No," replies the wife, "he was just trying to tell you he isn’t our Frankie."

[enf]

[cmangle]

[CrownClit]

Two 90 yo Mates met first time since their 30-ties and to celebrate they decided to go to a brothel. The manager seeing their age and health condition gave them two blow up dolls thinking they won’t realise the difference. After done business two Dudes are having a chat on the street.
1: How was it?
2: Great, like for my age, we’ve done the business but she was very quiet for some strange reason.
1: At least you had some fun, mine turn up to be a “Witch”
2: What do you mean….
1: I threw her one bed, jumped on her and when I bit her neck… then she farted and flew out of the window.

[irritant]

Just realized something about people who study soils...

When you speak about the formation/creation of soil it's called "pedogenesis"

The study of soil is called "pedology"

So, that must mean, someone who really likes soil is a "pedophile"

[fred49au]

I take my wife everywhere,

but she keeps finding her way back.

[hazman]

The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.

Finally, he realized his solution.

On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the road. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to wank.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.
Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"
The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.

[enf]

Sometimes when I turn off the lights and masturbate, it feels like Jesus is watching me.

Mexican prison sucks!!!

[Seymour Butts]

What Starts With "F"



A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble
with one of her more precocious students.
The teacher asked, 'Harry, what exactly is your problem?'


Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms.Brooks finally had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher
explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he
was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he happily agreed to take the test.


Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9..'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,
'Y’know I reckon Harry can go to the 3rdgrade'

But Ms. Brooks is still sceptical of the little bugger and says to the principal, 'Not so fast, let me ask him a few questions..'

The principal and Harry both agree.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs..'


Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!


Harry replied: 'Pockets..’ to the Principal’s great relief…..


Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'


Harry: 'Pants.'


By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open..

Ms.. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

Now the principal's eyes open really wide and before he could intervene, Harry replied,'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the last question……


Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' and indicates a great deal of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breaths a huge sigh of relief and tells the teacher,
"Put the little bastard in 5th-Grade, I got the last seven questions wrong myself..."

[irritant]

[cmangle]

Is this like Foster's, made in Oz, only for sale to us Yanks?

[enf]

Fat chicks shouldn't brag about big tits.

Having big tits because you're fat is like having a car that's fast because it's falling off a cliff.

[irritant]

I was shagging an absolutely gorgeous farmer's daughter in Texas the other night, when she suddenly said she wanted to try something new. She wanted me to pull it out, stick it in her ass, and come inside her ass.

A bit bewildered at the strange request, but unfazed, I said "Sure, if you'll get me the stepladder and hold up its tail for me, I'd love to."

I tell you, those southern belles are into some weird shit.

[cmangle]

[mtv]

[enf]

I feel about my ex like I feel about the Mona Lisa.

It's not that she is pretty or anything, but I would be ecstatic if I came home to find her hanging in the lounge room.

[enf]

How many vegans does it take to eat a greasy hamburger with bacon and cheese?

One if nobody's looking.

[hazman]

[hazman]