Thread: The Joke thread - Some jokes may offend, read at own risk. Jokes only, no comments.

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    A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

    To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.

    In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA, and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

    Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

    Our new Prime Minister, Theresa May, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

    To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

    -----------------------
    1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up 'vocabulary').

    ------------------------
    2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

    -------------------
    3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

    -----------------
    4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

    ----------------------
    5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

    ----------------------
    6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

    --------------------
    7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

    -------------------
    8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

    -------------------
    9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

    ---------------------
    10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

    ---------------------
    11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

    ---------------------
    12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

    --------------------
    13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

    -----------------
    14. An internal revenue agent (i.e., tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

    ---------------
    15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

    God Save the Queen!

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    A older man and woman, whose spouses have both passed away, met each other at a game of bowls on the local bowling green one Sunday.

    It wasn't long, and they had fallen in love. Soon, the topic of sex arose and they began talking about it.

    The old man asks the old lady "So, seeing as we're both pretty old, I must ask you, do you still like to have sex regularly my dear?"

    The old lady answers "Well, I must admit, at my age I like it infrequently."

    The old man sits and ponders for a while, and then asks "So...is that one word or two?"

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    My mate was the best at Russian Roulette.

    He only lost once.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    A guy in a supermarket goes up to the cashier and places two cans of dog food on the counter.
    The cashier asks, "Do you have a dog sir?"
    "Yes, it's at home," replies the man.
    "To be able to sell you the dog food sir, I must see the dog. That is store policy," says the cashier.
    Next day the man goes places two cans of cat food on the counter.
    "Do you own a cat sir?" asks the cashier.
    "Yes I do, it's at home," says the man.
    "Well I am sorry sir. Store policy. I must see the cat before I can sell you cat food," says the cashier.
    The next day the man returns to the store and walks directly to the same cashier.
    He has a brown paper bag in his hand.
    "Here," he says to the cashier, "put your hand in here."
    The cashier puts her hand in the brown paper bag.
    "It is all soft and warm," she says.
    "Yes, that's right," says the man, "I need to buy two rolls of toilet paper."

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    Therapist: "I think you have a phobia of marriage. Do you know what the symptoms are?"

    Patient: "Can't say I do."

    Therapist: "That's one of them."
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    With the Christmas Festivities upon us, I would like to share a personal experience with you all about Drinking Alcohol and Driving after a "Social Event" with friends.
    Last week, I was out at a Party with some friends & ex work colleagues. I had a few shots of Whisky followed by several Beers. Despite my jolliness, I still had the sense to know that I was over the limit. That's when I decided to do what I have never done before, I took a Taxi home.
    Sure enough, there was a Police road block on the high street but, since I was in a Taxi, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.
    This was both a great relief and surprise because I had never driven a Taxi before. I don't even know where I got it from and now that it's outside my house, I don't know what to do with it!

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