Thread: The Joke thread - Some jokes may offend, read at own risk. Jokes only, no comments.

  1. #5341
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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    I'm not passive aggressive...unlike SOME people....
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Last edited by irritant; 24-12-16 at 06:31 AM.

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    Now we know! The moon landing was staged.

    It was shot by Stanley Kubrick. The reason it looks so real is because of Kubrick's obsession with filming on location.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Once upon a time, just a few years ago, a man and his mother were discussing what he wanted for Christmas.

    It was mid-July and the man had consumed several alcoholic beverages, so when his mother asked "Son of mine, what would thou wisheth for Christmas this year?” he misunderstood and thought she was starting some deep philosophical discussion about the meaning of life, the universe and everything.

    "Mother,” he said. "I have always believed it is better to giveth than to receive and I worry about the poor people who will spend this Christmas without a pot to pee in or a goat to cuddle at night.”

    "Don't you mean a bucket to carry water and a goat to giveth them milk?” his mother replied.

    "Oh yeah, that too,” he replied, as he opened yet another bottle of wine.

    And with that, he fell into a deep slumber.

    Six months later the man's family gathered around the Christmas tree to exchange presents.

    The man's sister was delighted when she was handed the keys to a brand new Ferrari.

    "Oh, thank you mother! Thank you father!” she squealed.

    The man's brother could hardly contain his joy at the sight of his gold Rolex watch studded with expensive stones.

    Then the man's mother turned to him and said: "My son, we love all our children equally but you are without doubt the most generous and caring of them all.

    "So as you asked, we have brought a bucket and a goat for a poor family far across the ocean.”

    "Bloody hell,” said the man, suddenly forgetting to speak like a ponce.

    "I've gotta stop drinking on weekdays.”

    And everybody laughed, drank too much and fell over.

    The moral of the story, boys and girls, is to remember that while it is better to give than to receive, it is also important to pay attention to your mother when she's talking.

    And don't drink cheap red wine on work nights.

    Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

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    Have you ever noticed that it's only 'perfect' people who are murdered or killed in horrific accidents?

    "He was the perfect son" or "She was the perfect daughter."
    "Such a tragic accident they were the perfect family."
    "They died together, the perfect couple till the end."

    Makes me glad I abuse my kids and beat my wife. I'm probably immortal.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet.

    The Black Labrador asked the yellow Labrador "So why are you here?"

    The yellow Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

    The black Lab said, "So what's the vet going to do? "

    "Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the yellow Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."

    "And why are you here?" the Yellow Lab asked the Black.

    The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch."

    "So what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab inquired.

    "Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.

    The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?

    "I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, and fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see."Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her feet, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away."

    The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance. "So, its nuts off for you too, huh?"

    The Great Dane said, "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped! "

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    My girlfriend says there is nothing wrong with having a small penis...

    But would be great if she didn't have one at all though.

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    The wife asked me to get her "bath stuff" for Christmas.

    Hope she gets a kick out of her new toaster.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Google is definitely a woman.

    It doesn't let you finish a sentence without suggesting other ideas.
    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

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    A jealous woman does better research than FBI.
    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

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    Teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

    Little Harry says: "I wanna be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, get me the finest bitch, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, and an Infinite Visa Card, while banging her three times a day".

    The teacher, absolutely shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Harry decides not to acknowledge what he said. She ignores him, and simply tries to continue with the lesson .

    "And how about you, Sarah?"

    "I wanna be Harry's bitch."

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    Last night I went to a comedy and philosophy convention.

    Laughed more than I thought.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Power Outage

    We had a power outage last week and my PC, TV and Games Console shut down immediately.
    It was raining and I couldn't play golf, so I talked to the wife for a few hours.


    She seems like a nice person !!

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    I met a beautiful lady last night, took her back to my place and we went at it all night, all sorts of weird and wonderful positions.

    In the morning, she told me she had a confession. "That's the first time I've done that" she said.

    "Sex or a one night stand" I replied.

    "Sex. You see I hope you don't mind but I used to be Christian, and was never interested in sex."

    "That's fine, I don't mind" I said.

    She looked at me, with an excited look in her face and said. "Good because I much prefer being Christina."

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    An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."
    Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

    Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?
    Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
    Dr. Young: Aaagh!! -- "This is Petrol!"
    Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations!
    You've got your taste back. That will be $500.


    Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
    Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
    Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
    Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is Petrol!"
    Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back . That will be $500."


    Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
    Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!"
    Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so,
    "Here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill).
    Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"
    Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."


    Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"

    Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off.

    P.S. Written in large print for old Geezers.

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