An old man was sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana
watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by
carrying something big under his arm. He yells out 'Hey boy,
whatcha got there?'
Boy yells back 'Roll of chicken wire.'
Old man says 'What you gonna do with that?'
Boy says 'Gonna catch some chickens.'
Old man yells 'You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with
chicken wire!'
Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old
man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with
about 30 chickens caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise
and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in
his hand.
Old man yells out 'Hey boy, whatcha got there?'
Boy yells back 'Roll of duck tape.'
Old man says 'What you gonna do with that?'
Boy says back 'Gonna catch me some ducks.'
Old man yells back, 'You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with
duck tape!'
Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the
old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll
of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by
carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the
end. Old man says 'Hey boy, whatcha got there?'
Boy says 'It's a pussy willow.
Old man says 'Wait up.... I'll get my hat!.'
When I see a girl, I first look at her hair. Then at her eyes, lips, neck...
F*ck! This dial-up sucks....
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
My daughter was searching everywhere for her pet rabbit.
"Where can it be?" she asked
"Why don't you you look somewhere where there might be carrots?" I suggested
"Thank you daddy, that's a good idea" she replied with a smile
"And peas, onions and garlic, some red wine..." I added under my breath, as I whistled and dished up the stew for dinner.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
She was a LOT PRETTIER at the bar last night . . . .
The sun was hot already - it was only 8 o'clock
The cocky took off in his Ute, to go and check his stock.
He drove around the paddocks checking wethers, ewes and lambs,
The float valves in the water troughs, the windmills on the dams
He stopped and turned a windmill on to fill a water tank
And saw a ewe down in the dam, a few yards from the bank.
"Typical bloody sheep," he thought, "they've got no common sense,
"They won't go through a gateway but they'll jump a bloody fence."
The ewe was stuck down in the mud, he knew without a doubt
She'd stay there 'til she carked it if he didn't get her out.
But when he reached the water's edge, the startled ewe broke free
And in her haste to get away, began a swimming spree.
He reckoned once her fleece was wet, the weight would drag her down
If he didn't rescue her, the stupid sod would drown.
Her style was unimpressive, her survival chances slim
He saw no other option, he would have to take a swim.
He peeled his shirt and singlet off, his trousers, boots and socks
And as he couldn't stand wet clothes, he also shed his jocks.
He jumped into the water and away that cocky swam
He caught up with her somewhere near the middle of the dam.
The ewe was quite evasive, she kept giving him the slip
He tried to grab her sodden fleece but couldn't get a grip.
At last he got her to the bank and stopped to catch his breath
She showed him little gratitude for saving her from death.
She took off like a Bondi tram around the other side
He swore next time he caught that ewe he'd hang her bloody hide.
Then round and round the dam they ran, although he felt quite puffed
He still thought he could run her down, she must be nearly
stuffed..
The local stock rep came along, to pay a call that day.
He knew this bloke was on his own, his wife had gone away,
He didn't really think he'd get fresh scones for morning tea
But neither was he ready for what he was soon to see.
He rubbed his eyes in disbelief at what came into view
For running down the catchment came this frantic-looking ewe.
And on her heels in hot pursuit and wearing not a stitch
The farmer yelling wildly, "Come back here, you lousy bitch!"
The stock rep didn't hang around, he took off in his car
The cocky's reputation has been damaged near and far
So bear in mind the Work Safe rule when next you check your flocks
Spot the hazard, assess the risk, and always wear your jocks!
True freedom is the greatest gift a man can possess, yet is the one thing most easily and innocently given away, to crafty curses and binds cleverly disguised as blessings and gifts, in the pursuit of supposed achievement, status and power.
True freedom is the greatest gift a man can possess, yet is the one thing most easily and innocently given away, to crafty curses and binds cleverly disguised as blessings and gifts, in the pursuit of supposed achievement, status and power.
True freedom is the greatest gift a man can possess, yet is the one thing most easily and innocently given away, to crafty curses and binds cleverly disguised as blessings and gifts, in the pursuit of supposed achievement, status and power.
I rang the RSPCA hotline to tell them I'd just found six cockatoos in a suitcase by the road.
"Oh dear, are they moving?" asked the operator.
"I'm not certain," I replied, "but that would explain the suitcase..."
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
At the chemist: "I'd like to buy some viagra."
Chemist: "I can only sell you viagra if you can prove that you really need it."
Reaching for my wallet: "Will a photograph of my wife do?"
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
My eight year old son was kicking a ball in the garden when he tripped over his own feet. He screamed and thrashed about like he had been battered.
I was so proud, he's definitely going to be an A league player someday.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Just letting you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in, I have only gone and poisoned myself.
What I thought was an onion turned out to be a daffodil bulb.
They said I should be out sometime in the spring
Dear Timex,
I'm pretty sure that if I ever find myself at 500 meters, I won't need a f*cking watch anymore.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Speak, ya gotta speak!
Last edited by cmangle; 11-02-17 at 03:45 AM.
Just saw two blind men fighting in the street outside the pub.
You should of seen them run when I yelled "My money's on the one with the knife!"
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Last edited by irritant; 12-02-17 at 01:02 AM.
True freedom is the greatest gift a man can possess, yet is the one thing most easily and innocently given away, to crafty curses and binds cleverly disguised as blessings and gifts, in the pursuit of supposed achievement, status and power.
True freedom is the greatest gift a man can possess, yet is the one thing most easily and innocently given away, to crafty curses and binds cleverly disguised as blessings and gifts, in the pursuit of supposed achievement, status and power.
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