Thread: The Joke thread - Some jokes may offend, read at own risk. Jokes only, no comments.

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    Quote Originally Posted by manfromironbark View Post
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Our eyes met across the candlelit table. She looked so beautiful. I felt my knees go weak, my heart began to race and my stomach turned to butterflies.

    That's when I realised I'd drugged the wrong glass.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Two Irish men, Kearney and O'Riordan were looking at a Mail order catalogue and admiring the models. Kearney remarks to O'Riordan, 'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalogue?'

    O'Riordan replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price.'

    Kearney says, with wide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one.'

    O'Riordan, smiles and pats him on the back. 'Good idea. Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalogue, I will get one too.'

    Three weeks later, Kearney, the youngest of the two asks his friend, O'Rordan, 'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from that catalogue?'

    O'Riordan replies with a glint in his eye, 'No, but it shouldn't be long now. She sent all her clothes yesterday.'

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    My girlfriend said if I don’t do page 7 of the Kama sutra she will leave me.

    It put me in a very difficult position.

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    That's what PI$$E$ me off . . . F'ing Technology!


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    I've finally realised that Angela Merkel is right. Islam is NOT the source of terrorism...it's so obvious.

    Trucks are the source of terrorism...
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    There are two reasons why I don't give money to homeless people:

    1. I reckon they need the money for drugs.
    2. I need the money for drugs!
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Last edited by irritant; 28-02-17 at 05:28 AM.
    True freedom is the greatest gift a man can possess, yet is the one thing most easily and innocently given away, to crafty curses and binds cleverly disguised as blessings and gifts, in the pursuit of supposed achievement, status and power.

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    Australia has issued a travel warning due to snowfall and bad road conditions.

    They suggested that anyone travelling in the current icy conditions
    should ensure they have the following equipment:

    Shovel Blankets or sleeping bag Extra clothing including hat and gloves 24 hours food pack De-Icer Rock Salt
    Flashlight with spare batteries Road Flares or Reflective Triangles Full petrol Can First Aid Kit Booster cables

    Well,...I sure looked like a f..king idiot getting on the bus this morning.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Last edited by manfromironbark; 01-03-17 at 09:48 AM.

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    I am trying to get some sleep. It's 2am and the woman next door is making a terrible racket.

    If she won't shut up I might even take the advice she keeps yelling .... "Call the police!"
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    A belligerent drunk walks into a bar and hollers:

    “I can lick any man in this place.”
    The nearest customer looks him up & down and says:

    “Crude, but direct.

    Tell me, is this your first time in a gay bar?”

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    Just had some terrible news from the US. It seems my best mate was in Los Angeles and has suddenly died of natural causes.

    Or gunshot wounds as they're known over there.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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