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Thread: The Joke thread - Some jokes may cause offense, read at your own risk

  1. #21
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    Default Oldies

    Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge
    Around
    The nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to
    Maximum
    Speed on the long corridors, shouting "Vroom, Vroom!" and making
    Believe she
    Was once again driving her car on the freeway.

    Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other
    Residents tolerated her, and some of them actually joined into help
    Her live
    Her fantasy. One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door
    Opened
    And Kooky Clarence stepped out
    With his arm outstretched. "STOP! Police!" he shouted in a firm
    Voice. "Have
    You got a
    License for that thing?"
    Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper
    And
    Held it up to him.
    "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall. As she took the
    Corner
    Near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of
    Her and
    Shouted,
    "STOP! Police! Have you got proof of insurance?"
    Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and held it
    Up to
    Him. Harold nodded, and said, "Carry on, ma'am."

    As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig
    Stepped out in front of her, stark naked, with a very sizable
    Erection.

    "Oh, good grief," cried Ethel, "not the Breathalyzer again!"

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  • #22
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    Default Balls

    A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

    The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"

    "Yes," he says. "I was in Vietnam for three years."

    The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment." and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?

    The guy says, "Yes 100%...a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."

    The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M."

    The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?"

    "This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

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    Default Reason for the Australian Oil Crisis

    A lot of people can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.
    Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low.

    The reason for that is purely geographical.

    Our oil is located in Bass Strait and off the coast of WA .

    Our dipsticks are located in Canberra.

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    Default Apple Product Announcement

    Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip

    that can store and play music in women's breast implants. The iBreast will

    Cost $499 with 4 GB of memory or $599 with 8 GB.



    This is a major breakthrough because women are always complaining

    about men staring at their tits and not listening to them

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    Default Credit Cards

    Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die !
    This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening,
    customer service being what it is today.


    A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her
    for February and March for their annual service
    charges on her credit card, and added late fees and
    interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been
    $0.00, now somewhere around $60.00.
    A family member placed a call to Citibank.
    Here is the exchange:

    Family Member: "I am calling to tell you she died in January."
    Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
    Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."
    Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."
    Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
    Citibank: "Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"
    Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
    Citibank: "Excuse me?"
    Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?"
    Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor." (Duh!)
    Supervisor gets on the phone:
    Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
    Citibank: "The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply."
    (This must be a phrase taught by the bank!)
    Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
    Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
    Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)
    Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
    Family Member: "Sure." (Fax number is given)
    After they get the fax:
    Citibank: "Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."
    Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."
    Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."
    (What is wrong with these people?!?)
    Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"
    Citibank: "That might help."
    Family Member: " Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69."
    Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
    Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?

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    Default Confessions

    A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his

    priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

    The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

    The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together,

    but then I stopped."

    The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.

    You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail

    Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."



    The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then

    walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started

    to leave.

    The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw

    that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

    The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and

    according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

    ================================================== ==================

    There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.

    Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I

    have sinned."

    The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

    The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate

    love to me seven times."

    The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven

    lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."

    The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

    The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off your face."

    *********************************************

    Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog

    for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish

    priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for

    the poor creature?"

    Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services

    for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane,

    and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something

    for the creature."

    Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya think $5,000 is

    enough to donate to them for the service?"

    Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't

    ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    An elderly man walks into a confessional.

    The following conversation ensues:

    Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many

    children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.

    Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking.

    We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three

    times."

    Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

    Man: "What sins?"

    Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

    Man: "I'm Jewish."

    Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

    Man: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody."

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    Default Nursing Home

    An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather in a Nursing Home. Since most of the facilities were completely full, they had to Put him in a Jewish home. After a few weeks in the Jewish facility they came to visit grandpa.

    "How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.

    "It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says Grandpa.

    "We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone."

    "Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile.

    "There's a musician here he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!"

    "There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honour'!"

    "And there's a physician here -- 90 years old! He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!"

    "And what about you Grandpa" - asks the grandson.

    "And me...., I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The Fu*#ing Arab!"

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    Default Life Savers

    A university professor was doing a study, testing the senses of first graders, by using a bowl of Lifesavers. He gave all the children the same kind of lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by colour and flavour.
    The children began:
    "Red............cherry,"
    "Yellow.........lemon,"
    "Green..........lime,"
    "Orange........orange."
    Finally the professor gave them all a HONEY-flavoured Lifesaver. After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.
    "Well," he said, "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."
    One little girl looked up in horror, spat out her Lifesaver, and yelled,
    "Oh My God! Spit them out everyone. They're arseholes!"

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    Default Oldies

    A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around.

    If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

    She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said,"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

    He answered, "That's okay."

    "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store,it would make me feel so happy."

    She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out," Goodbye, Mum."

    The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him

    Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries. "That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

    "How come so much ...I only bought 5 items.."

    The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said You'd be paying for her things, too."




    The senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z3 convertible out of the car sales room.

    Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 110 kph enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

    "Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the Hume HWY, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more.

    Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

    "I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 160kph, then 170, then 180kph.

    Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

    Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10minutes.Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

    The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."

    "Have a good day, Sir," said the policeman.

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    Default Marooned

    Typical Aussie 40 something male, having split from his latest girlfriend,
    decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and
    proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
    He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing,
    only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the
    beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the
    shore.



    In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"



    She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when
    my cruise ship sank."



    Amazing, he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with
    you."



    "Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw
    material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree
    branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came
    from a Eucalyptus tree.



    "But, where did you get the tools?"



    Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the
    island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I
    fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron.
    I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."



    The guy is stunned.



    Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes of rowing,
    she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly
    falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite
    bungalow
    painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an
    expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.



    As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much but I call
    it
    home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?" "No! No thank you," he
    blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."



    "It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you
    like a Pina Colada?"



    Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down
    on her couch to talk.



    After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to
    slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and
    shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."



    No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in
    the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to



    a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
    This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"



    When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically
    positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit
    down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to
    him, "We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's
    something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've
    been longing for?"



    She stares into his eyes..................



    He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean . . " he swallows excitedly
    and tears start to form in his eyes. "Don't tell me you've got Fox Sports as
    well"

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    Default OOOOoooopppss!!!

    All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time considering how their online names might appear ... and be misread! These are not made up. Check them out yourself...

    1. "Who Represents" is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is

    2 . "Experts Exchange" is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at

    3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than " Pen Island" at

    4. Need a therapist? Try "Therapist Finder" at

    5. There's the "Italian Power Generator Company" at

    6. And don't forget the "Mole Station Native Nursery" in New South Wales ,

    7. If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always

    8. The " First Cumming Methodist Church" Web site is

    9. And the designers at "Speed of Art" await you at their wacky Web site,

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    Default OOOOoooopppss!!!

    All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time considering how their online names might appear ... and be misread! These are not made up. Check them out yourself...

    1. "Who Represents" is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is

    2 . "Experts Exchange" is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at

    3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than " Pen Island" at

    4. Need a therapist? Try "Therapist Finder" at

    5. There's the "Italian Power Generator Company" at

    6. And don't forget the "Mole Station Native Nursery" in New South Wales ,

    7. If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always

    8. The " First Cumming Methodist Church" Web site is

    9. And the designers at "Speed of Art" await you at their wacky Web site,

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    Default Tech Support

    Dear Tech Support,

    Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and
    noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance --
    particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated
    flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

    In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable
    programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then
    installed
    Undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.
    Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes
    the
    system.
    I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

    What can I do?

    Signed,
    Desperate
    ------------------------------

    Dear Desperate

    First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
    Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
    Please enter the command "http: I Thought You Loved Me.html" and try
    to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to
    install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed,
    Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0
    and
    Flowers 3.5.

    But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0
    to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1
    is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

    Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a
    virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your

    system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0
    program.
    These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

    In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
    memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might
    consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
    We
    recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

    Good Luck,
    Tech Support

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    Default Hillbillies

    Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.

    1st Hillbilly says: 'My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. '

    2nd Hillbilly says: 'Why is that stupid?'

    1st Hillbilly says: 'We ain't got no 'lectricity!'

    2nd Hillbilly says: 'That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of

    them new fangled warshin ' machines!'

    1st Hillbilly says: 'Why is that so stupid?'

    2nd Hillbilly says: ''Cause we ain't got no plummin'!'

    3rd Hillbilly says: 'That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer

    wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer

    some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar.'

    1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: 'Well, what's so dumb about that?'

    3rd Hillbilly says: 'She ain't got no pecker.

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    Default

    DO NOT CHEAT AND LOOK AT ANSWERS!!!

    WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ


    (Passing requires 4 correct answers)



    1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?

    2) Which country makes Panama hats?

    3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

    4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October
    Revolution?

    5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

    6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after
    what animal?

    7) What was King George VI's first name?

    8) What colour is a purple finch?

    9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

    10) What is the colour of the black box in a
    commercial airplane?















    Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass.


    Check your answers below .










    ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ

    1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116
    years

    2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador

    3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and
    Horses

    4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October
    Revolution? November

    5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel
    fur

    6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after
    what animal? Dogs

    7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert

    8) What colour is a purple finch? Crimson

    9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New
    Zealand

    10) What is the colour of the black box in a
    commercial airplane? Orange (of course)


    What do you mean, you failed? Me too.

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    F%*k i just got one. The last one.

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    WORLD WAR III IS COMING



    President Bush and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar.

    A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that
    Bush and Rumsfeld sitting over there?"

    The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."

    So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a
    real honor! . What are you guys doing in here?"

    Bush says, "We're planning WW III."

    The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

    Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.

    The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits?

    Why kill a blonde with big tits?"

    Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, "See, I told you,
    no one gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims".

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    A koala is sitting up a gum tree ... smoking a joint

    when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says,

    "Hey Koala ! What are you doing?"

    The koala says:

    "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

    So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they burn a few. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

    A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and
    helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard:

    "What's the matter with you?"

    The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

    The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into
    the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting
    finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"


    So the koala looks down at him and says:

    "Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude ... how much
    water did you drink?!!"

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    Lifesavers

    A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders, using a bowl of lifesavers. He gave all the children the same exact kind of lifesaver, one at a time, asking all of 'em to identify each by color and flavor.

    The children began to say:

    Red............cherry,
    Yellow.........lemon,
    Green..........lime,
    Orange.......orange,
    White.....pineapple.

    Finally, the professor gave each of them honey lifesavers. After eating them for a few moments, none of the children were able to identify the taste.

    "Well," said the professor, "I'll give you all a clue; It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."

    One little girl looked up in horror...!! Spitting hers out, she quickly yelled:

    "Oh My God!!!! They're ASSHOLES...!"

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    The Cremated Husband


    Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and
    Brought his ashes home.

    Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the Patio table.

    Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....


    "Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought It with the insurance money!"

    She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then Said, "Herman, remember that car you promised me?
    Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

    Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her
    fingers in the ashes she said, "Herman, that diamond ring you promised me? I Bought it too, with the insurance money!"


    Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Herman, remember that blow job I promised you?"

    Here it comes...........

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