The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
and yet another model . . .
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Any day now, ANY day . . . .
One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story.
The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.
Little Suzy raises her hand.
"My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market.
Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Little Lucy went next.
"My dad owns a farm too.
Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator.
Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched.";
Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story.
Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."
Next up was little Johnny.
"My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory.
He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete.
On the way down, he drank the case of beer.
Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers.
He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets!
So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more.
Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
The teacher looked a little shocked.
After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.
"Well," Johnny replied, "Don't #### with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."
You can learn alot using Google, and the search button.....
The Confession Session
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions.
The new priest hears several confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand."
The new priest tries this.
The old priest then suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on, and I understand, how did you feel about that?"
The new priest says those things, trying them out.
The old priest concludes, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, 'No way! What happened next?'"
You can learn alot using Google, and the search button.....
There are two types of woman in this world.
jpg and gif.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
delete this post
Last edited by cmangle; 01-10-17 at 11:00 AM.
lsemmens (01-10-17)
A traveler through England on vacation
lost his wallet and all of his identification.
Cutting his trip short, he attempted
to make his way home but was
stopped by the Australian Customs
Agents at the airport.
"May I see your identification, please?"
asked the agent.
"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet,"
replied the bloke.
"Sure mate, I hear that every day.
No ID, no entry," said the agent.
"But I can prove I'm an Australian!" he exclaimed.
"I have a picture of Bob Hawke tattooed on one side of my arse and Paul Keating on the other."
"This I gotta see, replied the agent. With that, the bloke dropped his strides and showed the agent his behind.
"By hell, you're right!" exclaimed the agent. "Have a safe trip back to Melbourne."
"Thanks!" he said. "But how did you know I was from Melbourne?"
The agent replied, "I recognised Shorten in the middle."
When someone is murdered, the police always investigate the spouse first.
And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.
Wife: "Will you still love me when I'm fat and ugly?"
Me: "You know I do."
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Q: What's a Bloody Nicole?
A: Same as a Bloody Mary, but you add OJ instead of tomato juice.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Dog Named Sex
My parents told me I could name my new pet dog anything I
wanted and since i was a mischievous little boy, i decided to name
the dog Sex. It seemed funny at first until you understand all the
confusion that this caused me in my later life.
Like the day that I went to the town hall to get a dog license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted a license for Sex.
He said, “I’d like to have one, too.”
Then, I said, “You don’t understand. She’s a dog.”
He replied, “Look man, I don’t care how she looks.”
“No no, I’ve had Sex since I was 5!”
He replied, “You must have been an early bloomer.”
When I decided to get married, I told the minister I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me I’d have to wait until after the wedding.
When I protested that Sex had played a big part in my life and that my whole life revolved around Sex, he said he didn’t want to hear about my personal life.
After my wife and I got married, I took the dog with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the hotel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and wanted one for Sex.
She replied, “Sir, every room in the hotel can be used for sex.”
I said, “You don’t understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.”
The clerk said, “Me too!”
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. When I told the Judge I had Sex before I was married, he grinned and said, “Me too.”
One day my dog Sex and I took a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for that dog. A policeman came by and asked what I was doing in this alley at midnight.
I told him, “I’m looking for Sex!”
My case comes up next Tuesday.
Now that I’ve been thrown in jail, married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever imagined, I’m in counseling. My psychiatrist asked me what my problem was.
I said, “Sex has left my life. It’s like losing a best friend and I’m so lonely.”
He said, “Look, you and I both know that sex isn’t man’s best friend. Why don’t you go get yourself a dog...”
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