Thread: The Joke thread - Some jokes may offend, read at own risk. Jokes only, no comments.

  1. #6421
    LSemmens
    lsemmens's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Location
    Rural South OZ
    Posts
    10,585
    Thanks
    11,867
    Thanked 7,061 Times in 3,338 Posts
    Rep Power
    3153
    Reputation
    132592

    Default



    Why is this image re-sized so small when it is huge before I upload it?
    Last edited by lsemmens; 20-10-17 at 06:27 PM.
    I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

  2. The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to lsemmens For This Useful Post:

    cmangle (22-10-17),enf (21-10-17),fred49au (22-10-17),gulliver (21-10-17),hazman (20-10-17),Keith (21-10-17),OSIRUS (20-10-17)



  • #6422
    Premium Member
    hazman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Lurking at the teakdoor
    Posts
    2,023
    Thanks
    7,349
    Thanked 12,494 Times in 1,800 Posts
    Rep Power
    5260
    Reputation
    249784

    Default


  • The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to hazman For This Useful Post:

    enf (22-10-17),fred49au (22-10-17),Keith (21-10-17),lsemmens (20-10-17),william10 (20-10-17)

  • #6423
    Super Moderator
    enf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Canberra
    Age
    70
    Posts
    17,753
    Thanks
    16,817
    Thanked 34,962 Times in 9,059 Posts
    Rep Power
    13677
    Reputation
    644449

    Default

    It's only 64 days to Christmas.

    I f*cking HATE Christmas. Whoever invented it should be crucified.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

  • The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to enf For This Useful Post:

    fred49au (22-10-17),hazman (22-10-17),Keith (24-10-17),mandc (22-10-17),mi_tasol (22-10-17)

  • #6424
    LSemmens
    lsemmens's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Location
    Rural South OZ
    Posts
    10,585
    Thanks
    11,867
    Thanked 7,061 Times in 3,338 Posts
    Rep Power
    3153
    Reputation
    132592

    Default

    A man's wife asks him to go out and get her cigarettes



    So he walks down to the nearby store only to find that it's closed. He goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. While at the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers together, and then one thing leads to another and they end up in her flat.
    After they've had their fun, he realizes that it's after midnight and says, "Oh no, it's so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he leaves. When he arrives home, his wife is waiting for him and she is pretty annoyed.
    "Where the hell have you been?" she asks.
    "Well, darling, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking woman there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."
    "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"
    She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You liar!! You went bowling again!!"
    I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

  • The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to lsemmens For This Useful Post:

    enf (22-10-17),fred49au (23-10-17),gulliver (23-10-17),hazman (23-10-17),Keith (24-10-17),SS Dave (22-10-17),william10 (22-10-17)

  • #6425
    Banned

    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Under the Boardwalk AC USA
    Posts
    2,119
    Thanks
    1,471
    Thanked 3,031 Times in 777 Posts
    Rep Power
    0
    Reputation
    54367

    Default


  • The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to cmangle For This Useful Post:

    enf (22-10-17),fred49au (23-10-17),gulliver (23-10-17),hazman (23-10-17),Keith (24-10-17),lsemmens (22-10-17)

  • #6426
    Banned

    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Under the Boardwalk AC USA
    Posts
    2,119
    Thanks
    1,471
    Thanked 3,031 Times in 777 Posts
    Rep Power
    0
    Reputation
    54367

    Default


  • The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to cmangle For This Useful Post:

    enf (23-10-17),fred49au (23-10-17),gulliver (23-10-17),hazman (23-10-17),Keith (24-10-17)

  • #6427
    Banned
    Join Date
    Nov 2016
    Posts
    89
    Thanks
    4
    Thanked 39 Times in 16 Posts
    Rep Power
    0
    Reputation
    790

    Default

    I bought a new Ford F 150 Tri-Flex Fuel Truck. Go figure, it runs on either hydrogen, gasoline, or E85.

    I returned to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work.
    The service technician explained that the radio was voice activated.
    `Nelson', the technician said to the radio. The radio replied, 'Ricky or
    Willie?' 'Willie!' he continued and 'On the Road Again´ came from the speakers.

    Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant 'Georgia On My Mind' replaced
    Willie Nelson. I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, `Beethoven', I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said,`Beatles', I'd get one of their awesome songs.

    Yesterday, some guy ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck, but I swerved in time to avoid him.

    I yelled, 'Ass Hole!' Immediately the radio responded with, "Ladies and gentlemen, The President of the United States."

  • The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to Alaves For This Useful Post:

    enf (23-10-17),fred49au (23-10-17),gulliver (23-10-17),hazman (23-10-17),Keith (24-10-17),lsemmens (23-10-17),SS Dave (23-10-17)

  • #6428
    Super Moderator
    enf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Canberra
    Age
    70
    Posts
    17,753
    Thanks
    16,817
    Thanked 34,962 Times in 9,059 Posts
    Rep Power
    13677
    Reputation
    644449

    Default

    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

  • The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to enf For This Useful Post:

    fred49au (23-10-17),gulliver (23-10-17),hazman (23-10-17),Keith (24-10-17),mandc (24-10-17),mi_tasol (23-10-17),Svenok (23-10-17)

  • #6429
    Banned

    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Under the Boardwalk AC USA
    Posts
    2,119
    Thanks
    1,471
    Thanked 3,031 Times in 777 Posts
    Rep Power
    0
    Reputation
    54367

    Default


  • The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to cmangle For This Useful Post:

    dashinson (24-10-17),enf (24-10-17),fred49au (24-10-17),gulliver (24-10-17),hazman (24-10-17),Keith (24-10-17)

  • #6430
    Super Moderator
    enf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Canberra
    Age
    70
    Posts
    17,753
    Thanks
    16,817
    Thanked 34,962 Times in 9,059 Posts
    Rep Power
    13677
    Reputation
    644449

    Default

    Cop: Sir, your car was swerving all over the road.

    Me: Sorry, officer, I've had 10 beers and I'm really pissed.

    Cop: That's no excuse to let your wife drive!
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

  • The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to enf For This Useful Post:

    alpha0ne (26-10-17),fred49au (26-10-17),gulliver (25-10-17),hazman (24-10-17),Keith (24-10-17)

  • #6431
    LSemmens
    lsemmens's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Location
    Rural South OZ
    Posts
    10,585
    Thanks
    11,867
    Thanked 7,061 Times in 3,338 Posts
    Rep Power
    3153
    Reputation
    132592

    Default

    The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

    The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

    The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

    The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

    This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

    The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

    The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

    The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

    This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

    The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

    The bishop was buried the next day.
    I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

  • The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to lsemmens For This Useful Post:

    enf (25-10-17),fred49au (26-10-17),gulliver (25-10-17),hazman (25-10-17),Keith (26-10-17)

  • #6432
    LSemmens
    lsemmens's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Location
    Rural South OZ
    Posts
    10,585
    Thanks
    11,867
    Thanked 7,061 Times in 3,338 Posts
    Rep Power
    3153
    Reputation
    132592

    Default

    A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

    Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood & began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to push off & let him get some sleep,
    but they persisted until he finally gave in.

    "OK, follow me", he said & flew out of the cave with hundreds of excited bats behind him.

    Down through a valley they went, across a river & into a huge forest.

    Finally he slowed down & all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.

    "Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.

    "YES, YES, YES!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

    "Good for you!" said the bat, "Because I bloody didn't."
    I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

  • The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to lsemmens For This Useful Post:

    alpha0ne (26-10-17),crazy (25-10-17),enf (25-10-17),fred49au (26-10-17),hazman (25-10-17),Keith (26-10-17)

  • #6433
    LSemmens
    lsemmens's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Location
    Rural South OZ
    Posts
    10,585
    Thanks
    11,867
    Thanked 7,061 Times in 3,338 Posts
    Rep Power
    3153
    Reputation
    132592

    Default

    A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary-Agnes, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?"
    She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says," Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."

    St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Catherine, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?” The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."

    All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, "Agatha! What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Brenda sticks her arse in it."
    I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

  • The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to lsemmens For This Useful Post:

    alpha0ne (26-10-17),enf (25-10-17),fred49au (26-10-17),hazman (25-10-17),Keith (26-10-17)

  • #6434
    LSemmens
    lsemmens's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Location
    Rural South OZ
    Posts
    10,585
    Thanks
    11,867
    Thanked 7,061 Times in 3,338 Posts
    Rep Power
    3153
    Reputation
    132592

    Default

    Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are
    always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any
    mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
    The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in
    disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
    The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother
    sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the
    preacher in the afternoon.

    The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy
    down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"

    The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there
    wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
    So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where
    is God?!"

    Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice
    even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where
    is God?!"

    The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into
    his closet, slamming the door behind him.

    When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "what
    happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are
    in BIG trouble this time.

    "GOD is missing, and they think we did it!"
    I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

  • The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to lsemmens For This Useful Post:

    enf (25-10-17),fred49au (26-10-17),gulliver (27-10-17),hazman (25-10-17),Keith (26-10-17),mtv (25-10-17),SS Dave (25-10-17)

  • #6435
    Super Moderator
    enf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Canberra
    Age
    70
    Posts
    17,753
    Thanks
    16,817
    Thanked 34,962 Times in 9,059 Posts
    Rep Power
    13677
    Reputation
    644449

    Default

    I'm thinking about asking my ex wife to re-marry me.

    But I'm worried she will think I'm just after her for my money.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

  • The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to enf For This Useful Post:

    alpha0ne (26-10-17),fred49au (26-10-17),hazman (25-10-17),Keith (26-10-17),lsemmens (25-10-17),mtv (25-10-17)

  • #6436
    Administrator
    mtv's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Posts
    19,893
    Thanks
    7,508
    Thanked 15,066 Times in 6,761 Posts
    Rep Power
    5647
    Reputation
    239305

    Default

    I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business.

    This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"

    I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"

    She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".

    I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."

  • The Following 9 Users Say Thank You to mtv For This Useful Post:

    alpha0ne (26-10-17),cmangle (27-10-17),cobra679 (25-10-17),enf (26-10-17),fred49au (26-10-17),gulliver (27-10-17),hazman (26-10-17),Keith (26-10-17),lsemmens (26-10-17)

  • #6437
    Super Moderator
    enf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Canberra
    Age
    70
    Posts
    17,753
    Thanks
    16,817
    Thanked 34,962 Times in 9,059 Posts
    Rep Power
    13677
    Reputation
    644449

    Default

    I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business.

    This fat chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "Hi sweetie...how about you take me back to your place and we'll have some fun."

    I said, "Sorry, I can't. I haven't got any lubricant."

    She said breathlessly, "You won't need any lubricant with me sweetie."

    I said, "Yes I will. I've only got standard size door frames."
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

  • The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to enf For This Useful Post:

    fred49au (28-10-17),gulliver (27-10-17),hazman (27-10-17),Keith (28-10-17),lsemmens (27-10-17),mtv (27-10-17)

  • #6438
    Premium Member
    SS Dave's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Location
    North Canberra
    Age
    63
    Posts
    2,119
    Thanks
    5,297
    Thanked 7,917 Times in 1,280 Posts
    Rep Power
    3335
    Reputation
    154682

    Default

    MOTORCYCLIST (moh-ter-sahy-klist) n.

    A person willing to take a container of flammable liquid, place it on top of a hot moving engine and then put the whole lot between their legs.

  • The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to SS Dave For This Useful Post:

    enf (28-10-17),fred49au (28-10-17),hazman (27-10-17),Keith (28-10-17),lsemmens (27-10-17),mtv (27-10-17),Tiny (29-10-17)

  • #6439
    Premium Member
    SS Dave's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Location
    North Canberra
    Age
    63
    Posts
    2,119
    Thanks
    5,297
    Thanked 7,917 Times in 1,280 Posts
    Rep Power
    3335
    Reputation
    154682

    Default

    No matter how big and bad you are, When a two year old hands you a toy phone. You answer it.
    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

  • The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to SS Dave For This Useful Post:

    enf (28-10-17),fred49au (28-10-17),hazman (27-10-17),Keith (28-10-17),lsemmens (27-10-17),mtv (27-10-17)

  • #6440
    Premium Member
    SS Dave's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Location
    North Canberra
    Age
    63
    Posts
    2,119
    Thanks
    5,297
    Thanked 7,917 Times in 1,280 Posts
    Rep Power
    3335
    Reputation
    154682

    Default

    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

  • The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to SS Dave For This Useful Post:

    alpha0ne (27-10-17),enf (28-10-17),fred49au (28-10-17),gulliver (27-10-17),hazman (27-10-17),Keith (28-10-17),mtv (27-10-17)

  • Page 322 of 635 FirstFirst ... 222272312313314315316317318319320321322323324325326327328329330331332372422 ... LastLast

    Bookmarks

    Posting Permissions

    • You may not post new threads
    • You may not post replies
    • You may not post attachments
    • You may not edit your posts
    •