Was in London when a German tourist ran up to me in a panic ..
He breathlessly gasped.. "My friend has been in a bad accident, can you tell me the number to ring for an ambulance?"
I replied "999"
The ungrateful prick punched me and ran to someone else...
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Dear Airlines,
Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.
Replace all the female flight attendants with YOUNG, good-looking strippers!
What the hell!! They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?
The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party
atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this
country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus
saving even more money.
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked
women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry
would see record revenues.
This is definitely a win - win situation if we handle it right -- a golden
opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why didn't Reagan, the Bushes or Obama think of this? Why do I still have
to do everything myself?
Sincerely,
Donald Trump.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
A man escapes from the jail where he has been for fourteen years.
He breaks into a house to look for food,clothes,money,car and maybe guns.He goes to the bedroom and finds a new married young couple in bed.
He shouts to the young husband out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the wife to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While convict is in there, the husband tells his wife: “Listen honey, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his weird face and clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and has not seen a woman for years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t fight back, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you.This man is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us.Be strong darling.I love you.”
After that his wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was a gay, thought you were nice and cute, and asked me if we had any moisturizer or vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong darling.I love you too!”
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Last edited by hazman; 05-11-17 at 10:15 PM.
An old, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.
Curious I pinned a note to his collar: “I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.”
The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: “He lives in a home with non-stop chatting wife, 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?”
Motorist: "What would you do if I called you a prick?"
Cop, looking up from his ticket pad: "I'd have to arrest you."
Motorist: "What would you do if I thought you were a prick?"
Cop: "I can't do anything about what you think."
Motorist: "Well then, I think your a prick."
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Harvey Weinstein Inc.
Helping women put their careers and wealth before their moral values and personal integrity since 1980.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of Turpentine.
He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.
A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.
The little boy said, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it's called Turpentine.'
The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'
The little boy replied, 'If you rub turpentine on a cat's arse, he'll pass a Harley Davidson !'
lsemmens (08-11-17)
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