Thread: The Joke thread - Some jokes may offend, read at own risk. Jokes only, no comments.

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    Harvey Weinstein is not letting the sexual assault allegations ruin his Thanks Giving.

    In fact, he is probably reaching for a breast or a thigh right now as we speak...

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    A lot of people think Zimbabwe could've avoided the current mess they are in with Mugabe if they'd stayed under white rule.

    But it wouldn't have lasted. Everything would have been fine for a few decades, then they'd become so tolerant the do-gooders would take over, and in a few years time the country would be full of trannies, queers, feminists and Muslims.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    There are important questions to be answered about recent LGBTI bathroom legislation and whether transgender people
    will be permitted to use a restroom of the gender that they "identify" with or be required to use the restroom of their biological gender.

    If the latter, will public restrooms be required to have a Genital Inspection Station posted at the entrance to all public restrooms?
    Who will have to pay these Pecker Checkers, the people using the restroom, or the entity that owns the restroom?

    And how much money will a Pecker Checker be paid to check peckers?
    Or, do we pay a Pecker Checker by the number of peckers checked?

    How many peckers can a Pecker Checker check if a Pecker Checker could check peckers?
    What has this country come to when the Department of Labor has to create a new job description of Politically Correct Restroom Service Inspectors?

    Their Motto Will Be ...........???

    "If You gotta pee - We gotta see!"

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    Assertive Women's Conference

    The first speaker, a lady from England, stood and said “During last year's conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself.”

    “After the first day, I saw nothing. The second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb.”
    (The crowd cheered).

    The second lady from Russia, stood up and said, “After last year's conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself.”

    “The first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well.”

    (The crowd again cheered).

    The third speaker, an Aboriginal lady from Australia, stood up and said, “Afta lass year's conference, I wen "ome and tole dat lazy husband of mines, Dingo Jack, dat I was froo pickin up his beer cans, cookin' his tucker and washin' his undaweah and dat he was goin to haf to do dem himself.”

    (The crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes).
    She continued “Afta da first day, I nevah see nuffin. Afta da second day, I nevah see nuffin, but afta da fird day, I could see a little bit outa my leff eye.”

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    A man walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife as a Christmas Present.

    He is shown several possibilities that range from $50 to $150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price.

    He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $150 and takes the lingerie home.

    He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.

    Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on - I'll do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow, get a $150 refund and keep the money for myself'.

    So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.

    The husband says; 'F*** me, it wasn't that creased in the shop'.

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    A CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

    "Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"

    "Morris Feinberg," he replied.

    "Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

    "For about 60 years."

    "60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

    "I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."

    "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

    "Like I'm talking to a fxxxing wall."

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    One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window.

    The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Blue eyes, blonde, the works.“I’ve pulled you over for speeding, Ma’am. Could I see your drivers license?”

    “What’s a license?” replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.

    “It’s usually in your wallet,” replied the officer.

    After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it.“Now may I see your registration?” asked the cop.

    “Registration….. what’s that….?” asked the blonde.

    “It’s usually in your glove compartment,” said the cop impatiently.

    After some more fumbling, she found the registration. “I’ll be back in a minute.” said the cop and walked back to his car.

    The officer called in to the dispatch to run a check on the woman’s license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back,
    “Ummm… is this woman driving a red sports car?”

    “Yes.” replied the officer

    “Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?” asked the dispatcher.

    “Uh… yes.” replied the cop.

    “Here’s what you do,” said the dispatcher. “Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants.”

    “What? I can’t do that. It’s… inappropriate.” exclaimed the cop.

    “Trust me. Just do it.” said the dispatcher.

    So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.

    The blonde looks down and sighs… “Ohh no… not another breathalyzer…

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    Police officer George and woman Police officer Mary and their police dog had been assigned to walk a beat.

    They had been out only a short time then Mary said, “Damn, I was running late this morning I forgot to put on my panties!
    It is so uncomfortable.
    We have to go back to the station to get them.”

    “We don’t have to go back,” George replied.

    “Just give the dog one sniff between your legs, and he’ll go fetch them for you.

    ”Mary lifted her skirt for the dog.

    After ten seconds of sniffing, the dog took off toward the station house.

    Twenty minutes later they heard sirens.

    Suddenly the dog rounded the corner with a dozen police cars in pursuit – and the superintendent’s balls in his mouth!"

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    The office Christmas party is nearly here, a time when my colleagues get pissed and have fun while I sit in the corner feeling lonely and desperate.

    Or Angela and Denise from Accounts, as they're usually known.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower: Mongrel, Coot and Bluey.

    As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.

    As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, 'Hey mate, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife..

    Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

    Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.

    Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'

    'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.

    'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'

    'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says.
    'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."

    She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.'

    Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer, You Are.'

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    Over 300 believers in an imaginary sky fairy murdered by nutters who believed in a different version of the same imaginary sky fairy.

    At the same time in the west, we prepare to celebrate the birth of our own mad idea of an imaginary sky fairy.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    These two men are going around Oz, knocking on doors claiming to be from a plumbing company and asking for entry to your home to check your taps for possible leaks!

    DO NOT let them in, they ARE NOT plumbers, THEY ARE DANGEROUS!!!




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    One day, Bob was touring Spain. After a day of sightseeing, he stopped at a local restaurant. While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

    He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have an excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!" Bob, though momentarily daunted when he learned the origin of the dish, finally said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day since there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy!"

    The next morning, Bob returned, placed his order and was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
    The waiter promptly replied,"yes, senor. Sometimes the bull wins!"

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem.

    In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol.

    All excited to try this suggestion out he runs home to his wife. At home, his wife is in bed, naked and waiting on her husband. As the two begin, they find themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, feels the sudden urge to come and fires the starter pistol.

    The next day, the man went back to the doctor.

    The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

    The man answered, "Not that well...when I fired the pistol, my wife **** on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

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