All this feminist bullsh*t about men having all the power....
Power comes from the socket, not the plug....
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Dave wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box for an interview.
The inspector asks "What would you do if you realised that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"
Dave says, "I would switch the points for one of the trains."
"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.
"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Dave, "and I'd use the manual lever over there."
"What if that had been struck by lightning?"
"Then," Dave continues, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box."
"What if the phone was engaged?"
"Well in that case," persevered Dave, "I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."
"What if that was vandalised?"
"Oh well then I'd run into the village and get Nev."
This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?"
"Because he's always wanted to see a train crash."
A very large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Sydney.
She raised her right arm, revealing a Huge, Hairy, Sweaty Armpit, as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, ’What man here will buy a lady a drink..?’
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.
But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed ’Give the ballerina a drink!’
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.
She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same Hairy Sweaty, Armpit, and asked, ’What man here will buy a lady a drink..?’
Once again, the same drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, ’Give the ballerina another drink..!’
The bartender approached the little drunk and said ’Tell me, George, it’s your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a Ballerina..?’
The drunk replied, ’Any woman who can lift her leg that f-----' high has got to be a Ballerina..!
Accidentally dropped my viagra tablets this morning, right after I took one.
I felt like a complete idiot crawling around on all fives looking for them.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Husband Down
A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.
The husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in their cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only $20 for 24 cans" he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife.
They carry on shopping.
A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $40 jar of face
Cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of beer, and it's half the price."
That's him, there in Aisle 5.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.
"Why, that's the talking clock" the man replied.
"How does it work?"
"Watch", the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed.
"For f*** sake, you b******, it's 2am in the f****** morning!!
Al Bundy (03-12-17)
enf (01-12-17)
I can tell how a man makes love
John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door."
John says, "Well, give me some examples."
Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a guy shoves his key into the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me."
"The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either."
Then Jill said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?"
John proceeds to say, "Well, first, before I do anything else, I lick the lock."
A man went to Wickham Terrace in Brisbane having seen an ad for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Naturally interested, he went in and asked the receptionist for details.
The receptionist pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. The annual salary is $25,000, and if you're interested you'll have to go to Rockhampton...
"My God, is that where the job is?" asked the man.
She answered: "No Sir, that's where the end of the line is."
Kim Jong Un is said to be infuriated at the moment as he had wanted to name his first nuclear bombs in honour of himself.
However... The names "little boy" and "fat man" were used by the USA in 1945.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The man from England fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The man from New Zealand reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Australian started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The Aussie replied, 'These are Carols.'
And So The Christmas Season
Begins......
SAME SEX MARRIAGE
Bruce and Barry got married in Queensland (because they could).
They couldn't afford a honeymoon, so they went back to Bruce's Mum and Dad's house for their first married night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Bruce's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mum:
‘Are Bruce and Barry up yet?’.
She replies, 'No'.
Johnny comments, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mum replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mum, 'Are Bruce and Barry up yet?'
She replies, 'No..'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mum replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school.'
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again: 'Are Bruce and Barry up yet?'
Again his mum replies somewhat more agitated: 'No!'
He says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mum replies, 'OK, damn it, tell me what you think!'
He says: 'Well, last night Bruce came to my room for some Vaseline . . . And I think I gave him my super glue!'
That Argentine submarine went missing with 43 men and 1 woman on board.
I wonder which crew member was reading the map....
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
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