Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure because of the following:
1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
8. In Australia they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.
When Muslim parents have to use the, "Open wide, here comes the airplane!" technique, do they just smash it in their childs face and make explosive noises?
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
I'm visualising a bomb strapped to the underside of the spoon!Originally Posted by enf
If u want to go on an expedition get a Land Rover, if u want to come home from an expedition get a Landcruiser!
gulliver (17-12-17)
gulliver (17-12-17)
After retiring, I went to the Centrelink office to apply for the Pension.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realised I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing My curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is Proof enough for me' and she processed my Pension application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Centrelink office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants.
You might have gotten Disability, too.'
Top 10 Reasons for Being French
1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay
2. Experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time
3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs
4. If there's a war you can surrender really early
5. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on SBS.
6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries
7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star
8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride
9. You don't have to bother with toilets.
10. People think you're a great lover even when you're not.
Top 10 Reasons for Being American
1. You can have a woman try to run for president
2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it
3. You can call Budweiser beer
4. You can be a crook and still be president
5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything
6. If you can breathe you can get a gun
7. You get to be really obese
8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.
9. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy"
10. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth.
10a. When you're not.
10b. At all.
Top 10 Reasons for Being English
1. Two World Wars and One World Cup doo-dah doo-dah
2. Proper beer (warm of course)
3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket
4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events
5. Union jack underpants
6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer
7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.
8. Bathing once a week-whether you need to or not
9. Ditto for changing underwear
10. Beats being Welsh.
10a. Or Scottish.
Top 10 Reasons for Being Italian
1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes
2. Unembarrassed to wear fur.
3. No need to worry about tax returns
4. Glorious military history prior to 400 a.d.
5. Can wear sunglasses inside
6. Political stability
7. Flexible working hours
8. Live near the Pope
9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair
10. Country run by Sicilian murderers.
Top 10 Reasons for Being German
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. :snckr: :snckr:
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
Top 10 Reasons for Being Indian
1. Chicken Madras
2. Lamb Passanda
3. Onion Bhaji
4. Bombay Potato
5. Chicken Tikka Masala
6. Rogan Josh
7. Popadoms
8. Chicken Dopiaza
9. Meat Boona
10.Kingfisher lager
Top 10 Reasons for Being Welsh
1. You've got to be having a laugh, haven't you?
Top 10 Reasons for Being Irish
1. Guinness
2. 18 children because you can't use contraceptives
3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road
4. Pubs never close
5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in the second Vatican Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can't have sex with a condom on.
6. No one can ever remember the night before
7. Kill people you don't agree with
8. Stew
9. More Guinness
10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the morning after a bout of sectarian violence.
Top 10 Reasons for Being Australian
1. Know your great-grand-dad was a murdering bastard that no civilized nation on earth wanted.
2. Fosters, VB, XXXX, Tooheys, West End etc.
3. Dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000 years because you think it belongs to you.
4. Cricket captain not afraid to cry live on TV.
5. Tact and sensitivity.
6. Bondi Beach.
7. Other beaches.
8. Liberated attitude to homosexuals
9. Drinking cold beer on the beach
10. Having a bit of a swim and then drink some cold beer on the beach.
A little boy goes up to his father and asks: "Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality? "
The father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example.
Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000. "
The boy goes and asks his mother: "Mum, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000? "
The mother replies: "Hell yes I would!"
The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"
The father then says: "Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000. "
The boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000? "
The sister replies: "Hell yes I would!"
He returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"
The father answers: "Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores. "
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Speaking of which . . .
Dirty Johnny climbs onto Santa's lap at the department store.
Santa says, "I'll bet I know what you want for Christmas."
And with his index finger he taps the boy on the nose with every letter he spells, "T-O-Y-S."
The little boy answers, "No, I have enough toys."
Santa tries again, tapping Johnny's nose with every letter, "C-A-N-D-Y."
Again, Johnny says, "No, I have all kinds of candy."
"Well, what would you like for Christmas?" Santa asks.
Johnny replies, tapping Santa on the nose, "P-U-S-S-Y.
And don't tell me you don't have any because I can smell it on your finger!"
Well this explains a lot. When I hear something that is so outlandish and makes no sense I was expecting it to emanate from the Brain....not the Colon. Is this what they mean when they say people talk sh*t?
Sunday, Monday, Happy Days
Tuesday, Wednesday, Happy Days
Thursday, Friday, Happy Days
Saturday, the wife gets back and......aaaah f*ck!
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Bob left work one Friday evening.
But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spending his entire wages.
When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
He replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
A dog walked in to the telegram office one day. He took out a blank form and wrote on it:
"Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
Then he handed it to the clerk. The clerk examined the paper and said to the dog, "You know there are only nine words here? You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
The dog replied, "But that would make no sense at all!"
A policeman knocked on my door, showed me a photo and said "Is this your wife, sir?".
"Why yes it is", I replied.
"I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus, sir", he said.
"I know officer", I replied, "but she's great with the kids".
If I had a dollar for every time I thought about the wife, I'd probably start thinking about her.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
And on Friday Bobs wife took out an ATO against him and the police forcibly removed him from his own home............................................
You can tell a lot about a person by their car.
For example: if it's in a ditch, it's a woman's.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
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