Thread: The Joke thread - Some jokes may offend, read at own risk. Jokes only, no comments.

  1. #6981
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    The Broke-back mountain movie ruined things for cowboys!
    Top ten old West phrases that will never sound the same after that gay cowboy movie.

    10. I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!
    9. Give me a stiff one, barkeep!
    8. Don't fret - I've been in tight spots before.
    7. Howdy, partner.
    6. You stay here while I sneak around from behind.
    5. Two words: saddle sore.
    4. Hold it right there! Now move your head, reeeal slow-like.
    3. Let's mount up!
    2. Nice spread ya got here.

    And the number one, Old West phrase that will never sound the same....
    Ride 'em, cowboy!

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    why did the aussie cricket team get caught out?
    because it was all on tape

    what did the coach say to steve smith at the secret lunch?
    i hope nobody's taping this
    https://www.facebook.com/philquad68

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    The owner & bartender of a bar in Frankston was so sure that he was the strongest man around, that he offered a standing $1000 bet.

    The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and then hand the lemon to the patron. Anyone who could squeeze two more drops of juice out of it, would win the money. Many people had tried over the years: weightlifters, truckies, footballers etc., but nobody had ever been able to do it.

    One day, this scrawny little bloke came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit. He sat down, ordered a glass of VB, & started looking around the bar. After reading the sign on the wall about the lemon challenge, he said in a small voice: "I was just reading your sign, and I'd like to try the bet."

    After the laughter had died down, the bartender said: "Ok,..." He grabbed a lemon and squeezed the heck out of it...... Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little guy. But the Crowd's laughter turned to total silence....as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon....and six drops fell into the glass.

    As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the guy his $1000, and then asked little man: "Do you mind if I ask what you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"

    The little bloke quietly replied: "I work for The Tax Department."
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Two men arrive at the pub and ordered a couple of drinks. They then take sandwiches from their briefcases and began to eat.

    Seeing this, the angry publican approaches them and says, ‘Excuse me, but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!

    The two look at each other, shrug and exchange their sandwiches!

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Quote Originally Posted by enf View Post
    Shit Enf, one of us is going crackers, different girl, different haircut on Marty, the tree behind to the right has moved,
    but most have all, Doc has a different message for Marty, we must be in parallel universes connected by the internet????

    Cheers
    Ted (Al)

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    Whats pink, six inches long, and makes the wife moan all day?

    Her tongue.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans.

    Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.

    The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different… again.

    Little Johnny said, “Because I’m not an Obama fan.”

    The teacher asked, “Why aren’t you a fan of Obama?” Johnny said, “Because I’m a Republican.”

    The teacher asked him why he’s a Republican. Little Johnny answered, “Well, my Mom’s a Republican and my Dad’s a Republican, so I’m a Republican.”

    Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, “If your mom were a moron and your dad were an idiot, what would that make you?”

    With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, “That would make me an Obama fan…”

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    Last edited by cmangle; 28-03-18 at 09:43 AM.

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    Wife sends husband to the Dr. To get " those pills" that make you want to have sex with me....

    He came home with Diet pills for her....

    that's when the fight started...

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    Mary had a little lamb.

    A nursery rhyme in Australia. A porn film in New Zealand.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Cheers, Tiny
    "You can lead a person to knowledge, but you can't make them think? If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem.
    The information is out there; you just have to let it in."

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    A woman asks her husband at breakfast time,
    "Would you like some Bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and Coffee?"

    He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now.

    It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."


    At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something.

    "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

    He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."


    Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat.
    "Would you like A juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a
    Rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

    He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra.
    I'm still not hungry."

    "Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."
    You can learn alot using Google, and the search button.....

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    Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other off.

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    Default Friday funnies with Admins Father-in-Law.

    Admins FIL Jokes Page 3;
    I take no responsibility for these offerings, just have a laugh or change the channel. lol.

    Why are the palms of Negros hands white?
    Because that's the way they stacked them when painted.

    What's the similarity between an abo's c#nt & a cricket bat?
    Well, if you really try, you can eat the cricket bat.

    Did you hear about the Irish abortion clinic?
    It's got a 12month waiting list.

    Why is it that seagulls fly upside down over Italy?
    Because the wogs aren't worth shitting on.

    What goes bong, bong, bong, bong, bong?
    A landrover thru a corroboree.

    What did the Greek bride wear?
    Something old, Something new, Something borrowed, Something blue, Something red, Something green, Something purple, Something black , Something yellow.......................

    How do you tell an Alitalia airliner when it's overhead?
    By the hair under it's wings.

    What's got long, greasy hair & rides a pig?
    Lawrence of Italy.

    What do you call an abo with a shotgun?
    Sir

    Did you here about the abo's carrying the coffin up the hill?
    They were going black-burying.

    What happened to the Irish woman that bought a vibrator?
    She smashed her teeth in.

    How do you know the plane that just landed is full of pommies?
    When the pilot switches the engines off and you can still here the whine.

    Did you here about the 500 Pakistanis trying to illegally enter Britain?
    They swam across the English channel concealed as a grease slick.

    What goes white black, white black, white black, bang?
    A nun falling down the stairs.

    What's green has six legs & would hurt if it fell on you from a tree?
    A billiard table.

    How did the Koala fall out of the tree?
    It was dead.

    Why did the tree fall over?
    The Koala hung on.

    Why did the rabbit die?
    The Koala fell on it.

    What has seven eyes but can't see?
    Three blind mice & half a sheep's head.
    Cheers, Tiny
    "You can lead a person to knowledge, but you can't make them think? If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem.
    The information is out there; you just have to let it in."

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