Vet: Good morning, doctor!
Doc: Good mornig! How are you? Where does it hurt?
Vet: Nah, far too easy...
Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.
I saw two male lions trying to screw the sh*t out of each other by the side of the road.
I thought "Have they no pride?"
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
I was sitting at the bar when this gorgeous broad sat two stools down from me.
Me: "How would you fancy the most amazing sex you've ever had in your life?"
Broad: "I certainly DON'T fancy that at all, thank you!"
Me: "Excellent, I'm your man then!"
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
An Australian guy is traveling around the Greek Islands.
He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian barmaid.
As she takes his order, a Foster's, she notices his accent.
Over the course of the evening they get chatting.
At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place.
Although she is attracted to him she says no.
He then offers to pay her $200 to sleep with him.
As she is traveling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again.
Again he orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for $200.
She remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.
This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner.
The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention, maybe she can shake some more cash out of him.
So she goes over and sits next to him.
She asks him where he's from in Australia.
'Melbourne', he tells her.
'So am I. What suburb?' she inquires.
'Glen Iris' he replies.
'That's amazing . . . ' she says excitedly, '. . . so am I - what street?'
'Cameo Street' he replies.
'This is unbelievable. . . ' she says, her voice quavering.
'What number?'
'Number 20', he replies.
She is totally astonished. 'You are NOT going to believe this. . .', she screams, 'but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there!'
'I know . . .' he says, 'Your dad gave me $1,000 to give to you.'
HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN, THINKS AUSTRALIAN.
lucky
If this doesn't touch your heart, then you just don't have one. This is an
incredible story of luck, happiness and inspiration!
Can you believe it?
This guy, Ade Bufford Taylor, from Live Oak, Florida wins $181 million in
the lottery last Saturday, and then finds the love of his life just 2 days
later!
Talk about luck!!!!!
Last edited by hinekadon; 18-06-18 at 06:14 PM. Reason: photo
Just read that Formula 1 engines can spin to around 20,000 RPM.
Phhht!! So what, I've had Hertz rentals that can do that.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Banned
Endless love ....
Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
I was going to give some money to a homeless bloke yesterday, but when I saw a sign around his neck that read "One day, this could be you", I put the change back in my pocket.
I thought "Hmmmm, maybe he's right. I might need it myself one day."
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Hypnotist at the Senior Home
It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Center.
After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
“Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.
"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting "Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ---- Watch the watch"
The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.
The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.
They were hypnotized. And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact"
"SHIT" said Claude.
It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Center and Claude was never invited there again.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
eeprommemory (25-06-18),fred49au (23-06-18),gulliver (22-06-18),hazman (22-06-18),Keith (24-06-18)
dummy
its a detergent bottle isnt it ?good scam tho lolOriginally Posted by hazman
During my check-up I asked the Doctor,
"Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?
He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."
I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."
He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."
OPERATOR... What's your user name sir?
CUSTOMER... My user name is Mickey Donald Minnie Pluto Goofy London
OPERATOR... Wow, why do you have a username like that?
CUSTOMER... Why? For f*cks sake! You're the pricks that told me it had to be 6 characters long and include a capital!
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
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