The Joke thread - Some jokes may offend, read at own risk. Jokes only, no comments.

[enf]

"All we bloody do is argue, we need to learn to get on," the wife said. "So let's try and speak the same language from now on, eh?"

"Moooooooo," I replied.

[hazman]

[hinekadon]

While installing a new door, I found that one of the hinges was broken.
So, I asked my wife if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge, and
she agreed to go.
While she was waiting for the Manager to finish serving a customer, her eye
caught sight of two beautiful bathroom faucets. One for the sink and one
for the bath tub.
When the Manager was finished, Helen asked him, "How much are those
faucets?"
The Manager replied, "They are gold plated faucets and very expensive.
The price for both is $5,000".
Helen exclaimed, "My goodness, they are really expensive - certainly out of
my price range."
She then proceeded to describe the hinge that I had sent her to buy.
The Manager said that he had them in stock and it was $3.49, then he went
into the backroom to get one.
From the backroom the Manager yelled. "Ma'am, you wanna screw for the
hinge?"
Helen shouted back, "No, but I will for the faucets."

This is why you just can't send a woman to Home Depot.

[enf]

On their way home after the group stages: Egypt, Saudi Arabia, Iran, Tunisia, Morocco, Nigeria.

Conclusion: Praying 5 times a day is a complete waste of f*cking time.

[enf]

[hazman]

AN "UNDER THE BED" STORY..

Ever since I was a child, I’ve always
had a fear of someone under my bed at night.
So I went to a shrink and told him: " I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think
there's somebody under It. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy".

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year", said the shrink. "Come
talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of
those fears". "How much do you charge"? "Eighty dollars per visit",
replied the doctor. "I'll sleep on it", I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about
those fears you were having"? he asked. "Well, eighty bucks a visit,
three times a week for a year, is $12,480.00. A bartender cured me
for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went
and bought me a new pickup truck".

"Oh, Is that so"? he said with a bit of an attitude. "And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you"?

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now"!

FORGET THE SHRINKS.
HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER! IT’S ALWAYS BETTER TO GET A
SECOND OPINION.

[hazman]

[enf]

WOW! I saw a brilliant Nigerian scifi page on the web last night ...It showed how to get your own robot name.

You simply input all the numbers on your credit card, the expiry date and the last 3 digits on the back and it randomly generates it for you. How cool is that!

Mine's ... 1D10T.

[hinekadon]

Who said that the health care in Australia was not up to par?

A Muslim immigrant in Western Sydney goes to the doctor and says "I feel terrible."
The doctor examines him and then says: "You need to pee and put your bowel movements in a bucket for a week, then throw in a dead fish and some rotten cabbage. Put a towel over your head and inhale the vapors for three days."
The Muslim does this and goes back to the doctor 2 weeks later and says "I feel wonderful! what was wrong with me ?"
The doctor replied, "You were Homesick."

[Keith]

A man goes into the confession booth at church.
"Forgive me father, for I have sinned."
"What is your sin, my son?" Asks the priest.
"Well, about a month ago I was in the library until closing time, and when I wanted to leave it started to rain very heavily and didn't let up. After some time me and the librarian lost our patience and... Well.. partied all night, if you catch my drift."
"That is bad but not horrible, my son," Said the priest, "if it is a one-time slip, God will forgive you."
"That's just the thing," said the man, "about a week ago I helped my neighbor fix her shutters, and when I wanted to go home it started raining heavily and... well.. you know, all night long."
The priest remains silent.
The man covers his face in his hands and starts sobbing, "What should I do now, father?"
"What should you DO??" Screamed the priest, "You should get the hell out of here before it rains!"

[hazman]

[hazman]

[enf]

[alpha0ne]

Explaining Politics



I TOLD MY SON, "YOU WILL MARRY THE GIRL I CHOOSE."

HE SAID, "NO."

I TOLD HIM, "SHE IS BILL GATES' DAUGHTER."

HE SAID, "YES."



I CALLED BILL GATES AND SAID, "I WANT YOUR DAUGHTER TO MARRY MY SON."

BILL GATES SAID, "NO."

I TOLD BILL GATES, "MY SON IS THE CEO OF THE WORLD BANK."

BILL GATES SAID, "OK."



I CALLED THE PRESIDENT OF WORLD BANK AND ASKED HIM TO MAKE MY SON THE CEO.

HE SAID, "NO."

I TOLD HIM, "MY SON IS BILL GATES' SON-IN-LAW."

HE SAID, "OK."



AND THAT'S EXACTLY HOW POLITICS WORKS.



And thus, began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government.



The practice is unbroken to this date.

[hinekadon]

Stormy Daniels' Tax Return...

[enf]

[lsemmens]

That's not a joke, that's an insult to the senses! It's a good thing I wasn't eating or a I would have puked all over my keyboard!

[hinekadon]

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both end and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.
CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.
INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN:
A grape with a sunburn.
SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.
YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

And MY Personal Favourite!
WRINKLES:
Something other people have, Similar to my character lines.

[enf]

The wife and I went to a new restaurant that serves the meat of exotic animals and birds .

We both ordered pelican and it was absolutely fantastic.....but the bill was enormous.

[hazman]