Thread: The Joke thread - Some jokes may offend, read at own risk. Jokes only, no comments.

  1. #7381
    Super Moderator
    enf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Canberra
    Age
    70
    Posts
    17,753
    Thanks
    16,820
    Thanked 34,964 Times in 9,060 Posts
    Rep Power
    13678
    Reputation
    644489

    Default

    I asked the boss last friday at 2 oclock if I could go early to watch the football.

    I said "I swear I'll make the time up"

    Boss: "OK, as long as you do that's fine with me."

    He said today "Why does your time sheet say you worked until 5.30 on Friday?"

    Me: "I told you I'd make it up."
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

  2. The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to enf For This Useful Post:

    fred49au (07-07-18),gulliver (06-07-18),hazman (06-07-18),Keith (08-07-18),lsemmens (06-07-18),mtv (09-07-18),ol' boy (06-07-18),Rick (06-07-18)



  • #7382
    Senior Member
    Rick's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2010
    Location
    Tassi
    Posts
    4,167
    Thanks
    4,168
    Thanked 3,471 Times in 1,531 Posts
    Rep Power
    1340
    Reputation
    51955

    Default

    She asked for a 18 carat necklace! Wish granted, nailed it

  • The Following 9 Users Say Thank You to Rick For This Useful Post:

    enf (06-07-18),fred49au (07-07-18),gulliver (06-07-18),hazman (06-07-18),Keith (08-07-18),mkhannah (06-07-18),mtv (09-07-18),ol' boy (06-07-18),william10 (06-07-18)

  • #7383
    Premium Member
    hazman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Lurking at the teakdoor
    Posts
    2,023
    Thanks
    7,349
    Thanked 12,494 Times in 1,800 Posts
    Rep Power
    5260
    Reputation
    249784

    Default


  • The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to hazman For This Useful Post:

    enf (07-07-18),fred49au (07-07-18),gulliver (07-07-18),Keith (08-07-18),lsemmens (07-07-18),mtv (09-07-18),ol' boy (06-07-18)

  • #7384
    Premium Member
    hazman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Lurking at the teakdoor
    Posts
    2,023
    Thanks
    7,349
    Thanked 12,494 Times in 1,800 Posts
    Rep Power
    5260
    Reputation
    249784

    Default


  • The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to hazman For This Useful Post:

    enf (07-07-18),fred49au (07-07-18),gulliver (07-07-18),Keith (08-07-18),mtv (09-07-18),ol' boy (06-07-18),SS Dave (06-07-18)

  • #7385
    Premium Member
    hazman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Lurking at the teakdoor
    Posts
    2,023
    Thanks
    7,349
    Thanked 12,494 Times in 1,800 Posts
    Rep Power
    5260
    Reputation
    249784

    Default


  • The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to hazman For This Useful Post:

    enf (07-07-18),mkhannah (07-07-18),mtv (09-07-18)

  • #7386
    Super Moderator
    enf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Canberra
    Age
    70
    Posts
    17,753
    Thanks
    16,820
    Thanked 34,964 Times in 9,060 Posts
    Rep Power
    13678
    Reputation
    644489

    Default

    My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him and smeared the walls with his own faeces.

    After that, we never played Monopoly again.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

  • The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to enf For This Useful Post:

    fred49au (08-07-18),gulliver (07-07-18),hazman (07-07-18),Keith (08-07-18),lsemmens (08-07-18),mkhannah (07-07-18),mtv (09-07-18),Rick (12-07-18)

  • #7387
    Premium Member
    SS Dave's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Location
    North Canberra
    Age
    63
    Posts
    2,120
    Thanks
    5,297
    Thanked 7,923 Times in 1,283 Posts
    Rep Power
    3338
    Reputation
    154802

    Default

    A girlfriend and boyfriend walked into the girlfriends house and the girlfriend said to her mom, "Mom, me and my boyfriend are going up to my room" and the mom says, "Ok honey, you kids have fun."

    When they are in the room, the mom hears: "Baby baby baby oh!"

    The mom walks to the door and ask, "What the hell is going on?"

    The girl says, "Mom were just having sex." and the mom says, "Oh thank god I thought you guys were listening to Justin Bieber."

  • The Following 9 Users Say Thank You to SS Dave For This Useful Post:

    carjackma (08-07-18),enf (08-07-18),fred49au (08-07-18),gulliver (11-07-18),hazman (08-07-18),Keith (08-07-18),lsemmens (08-07-18),mtv (09-07-18),Rick (12-07-18)

  • #7388
    Premium Member
    SS Dave's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Location
    North Canberra
    Age
    63
    Posts
    2,120
    Thanks
    5,297
    Thanked 7,923 Times in 1,283 Posts
    Rep Power
    3338
    Reputation
    154802

    Default

    More sad news from the music industry: Justin Bieber was found alive in his apartment earlier today

  • The Following 10 Users Say Thank You to SS Dave For This Useful Post:

    carjackma (08-07-18),enf (08-07-18),fred49au (08-07-18),gulliver (11-07-18),hazman (08-07-18),Keith (08-07-18),lsemmens (08-07-18),mtv (09-07-18),ol' boy (09-07-18),Rick (12-07-18)

  • #7389
    Super Moderator
    enf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Canberra
    Age
    70
    Posts
    17,753
    Thanks
    16,820
    Thanked 34,964 Times in 9,060 Posts
    Rep Power
    13678
    Reputation
    644489

    Default

    I accidently shot a Golden Eagle while out Duck shooting and ended up in court.

    Judge: "this is a very serious crime, do you have anything to say in your defence?"

    Me: "Yes your Honour, it was very misty and the light was fading and, once I realised the horror of what I'd done, I remembered what my late father said. 'If you kill an animal you must respect it's spirit and eat every part of it' so I took it home and fed my family for a day"

    Judge: "Yeah..yeah.. That's very moving young man and, under the circumstances, I'm prepared to admonish you but..just before you step down..I'm curious, what did it taste like?"

    Me: "Hard to say Your Honour, kind of like a cross between an Osprey and a Peregrine"
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

  • The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to enf For This Useful Post:

    fred49au (10-07-18),gulliver (11-07-18),hazman (09-07-18),Keith (12-07-18),mtv (09-07-18),ol' boy (09-07-18)

  • #7390
    Premium Member
    hazman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Lurking at the teakdoor
    Posts
    2,023
    Thanks
    7,349
    Thanked 12,494 Times in 1,800 Posts
    Rep Power
    5260
    Reputation
    249784

    Default


  • The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to hazman For This Useful Post:

    enf (09-07-18),fred49au (10-07-18),gulliver (11-07-18),hinekadon (09-07-18),Keith (12-07-18),lsemmens (09-07-18),mtv (09-07-18),SS Dave (09-07-18)

  • 09-07-18, 01:22 PM

    Reason
    This is a joke thread, not for news or discussion.

  • 09-07-18, 01:38 PM

    Reason
    This is a joke thread, not for news or discussion.

  • 09-07-18, 03:13 PM

    Reason
    This is a joke thread, not for news or discussion.

  • #7391
    Super Moderator
    enf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Canberra
    Age
    70
    Posts
    17,753
    Thanks
    16,820
    Thanked 34,964 Times in 9,060 Posts
    Rep Power
    13678
    Reputation
    644489

    Default

    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

  • The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to enf For This Useful Post:

    fred49au (10-07-18),gulliver (11-07-18),hazman (10-07-18),Keith (12-07-18),lsemmens (10-07-18),mkhannah (10-07-18),Rick (12-07-18)

  • #7392
    Super Moderator
    enf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Canberra
    Age
    70
    Posts
    17,753
    Thanks
    16,820
    Thanked 34,964 Times in 9,060 Posts
    Rep Power
    13678
    Reputation
    644489

    Default

    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

  • The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to enf For This Useful Post:

    crazy (12-07-18),fred49au (13-07-18),hinekadon (12-07-18),Keith (13-07-18),mkhannah (12-07-18),Rick (12-07-18)

  • #7393
    Super Moderator
    enf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Canberra
    Age
    70
    Posts
    17,753
    Thanks
    16,820
    Thanked 34,964 Times in 9,060 Posts
    Rep Power
    13678
    Reputation
    644489

    Default

    Apparently Neymar provided specialist technical advice to the divers getting the Thai kids out.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

  • #7394
    Premium Member
    hazman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Lurking at the teakdoor
    Posts
    2,023
    Thanks
    7,349
    Thanked 12,494 Times in 1,800 Posts
    Rep Power
    5260
    Reputation
    249784

    Default


  • The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to hazman For This Useful Post:

    enf (12-07-18),fred49au (13-07-18),gulliver (13-07-18),Keith (13-07-18)

  • #7395
    LSemmens
    lsemmens's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Location
    Rural South OZ
    Posts
    10,585
    Thanks
    11,868
    Thanked 7,061 Times in 3,338 Posts
    Rep Power
    3153
    Reputation
    132592

    Default

    Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend, Jodi.

    “Well, I’m sure Joe would be pleased,” she said.

    “I’m sure you’re right,” replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in
    close. “How much did this really cost?”

    “All of it,” said Helen. “Thirty thousand.”

    “No!” Jody exclaimed. “I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?”

    Helen answered, “The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone.”

    Jody computed quickly. “$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!”

    “Two and a half carats.”
    I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

  • The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to lsemmens For This Useful Post:

    enf (12-07-18),fred49au (13-07-18),gulliver (13-07-18),hazman (12-07-18),hinekadon (12-07-18),Keith (13-07-18),Tiny (12-07-18),william10 (12-07-18)

  • #7396
    Premium Member
    alpha0ne's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    Mandurah WA
    Age
    68
    Posts
    1,443
    Thanks
    3,455
    Thanked 2,988 Times in 813 Posts
    Rep Power
    1427
    Reputation
    59477

    Default

    Two blokes living in the Australian outback saw a couple of jobs advertised by the Queen of England. She was looking for footmen, to walk beside her carriage.

    They applied and were very happy to be flown to London for an interview with Her Majesty.

    She says to them: “Because my footmen must wear long white stockings, I must see your ankles to be sure they are not swollen or misshapen."

    After they show her their ankles, the Queen says: “It is also important that you don’t have knobby knees, so I need to see your knees too.”

    Once she has seen their knees, she says: “Now everything appears to be in shape, so I just need to see your testimonials.”

    Nine years later, when the pair are finally released from prison, one of the blokes says to the other:


    ”I reckon, if we just had a bit more education we would have got that job!"

  • The Following 11 Users Say Thank You to alpha0ne For This Useful Post:

    + Show/Hide list of the thanked

    enf (12-07-18),fred49au (13-07-18),gulliver (13-07-18),hazman (12-07-18),hinekadon (12-07-18),Keith (13-07-18),lsemmens (13-07-18),Rick (13-07-18),Tiny (12-07-18),william10 (12-07-18),zzzzz (12-07-18)

  • #7397
    Premium Member
    hazman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Lurking at the teakdoor
    Posts
    2,023
    Thanks
    7,349
    Thanked 12,494 Times in 1,800 Posts
    Rep Power
    5260
    Reputation
    249784

    Default

    Pedro and Maria got married. Pedro was a "man about town" so to speak, but Maria was very naive and uninformed about the birds and the bees.
    Pedro was a poor working man and could not afford to take time off for a honeymoon. So, that night they retired to his little shack. When Pedro was undressing Maria said, "Oh Pedro, what is that?"
    Pedro being very quick thinking said, "Maria, I am the only man in the world with one of these." And, then, he proceeded to show her what it was for, and Maria was happy.
    The next morning Pedro went off to work as usual. When he returned home that evening, Maria was on the front porch obviously upset about something.
    "Pedro, you told me that you were the only man in the world with one of those, and I saw Gonzalez the gardener changing his clothes behind the shed, and he had one, too."
    Thinking fast, Pedro said, "Oh, Maria, Gonzalez is my very best friend. I had two of them so I gave him one. He is the only other man in the world with one of those."
    Maria being very stupid accepted his answer and they did their thing again that night.
    Pedro went off to work again the next morning and when he returned home, Maria was very upset, stamping her foot on the porch.
    Pedro said, "Maria, what is the matter now?"
    "Pedro, you gave Gonzalez the best one!!"

  • The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to hazman For This Useful Post:

    alpha0ne (12-07-18),enf (13-07-18),fred49au (13-07-18),gulliver (13-07-18),hinekadon (12-07-18),Keith (13-07-18),lsemmens (13-07-18),SS Dave (12-07-18)

  • #7398
    Premium Member
    SS Dave's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Location
    North Canberra
    Age
    63
    Posts
    2,120
    Thanks
    5,297
    Thanked 7,923 Times in 1,283 Posts
    Rep Power
    3338
    Reputation
    154802

    Default

    There are three men around a fire, a cowboy a mexican and an Indian.

    The Indian stands up and says, "We were once many but now we are few."

    The Mexican stands up and says, "We were once few and now we are many."

    Then the cowboy stands and says, "That's because we haven't played cowboys and Mexicans yet."

  • The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to SS Dave For This Useful Post:

    enf (13-07-18),fred49au (13-07-18),gulliver (13-07-18),hazman (13-07-18),Keith (13-07-18),lsemmens (13-07-18),Rick (13-07-18)

  • #7399
    Premium Member
    Keith's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Posts
    1,080
    Thanks
    8,858
    Thanked 1,041 Times in 317 Posts
    Rep Power
    596
    Reputation
    18122

    Default

    The physician was taking her four-year old daughter to pre-school.

    The doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.

    Be still my heart, thought the doctor, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!

    Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's - May I take your order?"
    You can learn alot using Google, and the search button.....

  • The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to Keith For This Useful Post:

    enf (13-07-18),fred49au (13-07-18),gulliver (13-07-18),hazman (13-07-18),lsemmens (13-07-18),Rick (13-07-18),SS Dave (13-07-18)

  • #7400
    Banned

    Join Date
    Jan 2017
    Location
    still above ground level
    Posts
    1,779
    Thanks
    5,562
    Thanked 1,964 Times in 714 Posts
    Rep Power
    0
    Reputation
    35657

    Default

    A guy walked into a crowded bar,
    waving his un-holstered pistol and yelled,
    "I have a 45 caliber Colt 1911 with a seven
    round magazine plus one in the chamber and
    I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife."
    A voice from the back of the room called out,
    "You need more ammo.”

  • The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to hinekadon For This Useful Post:

    enf (16-07-18),gulliver (13-07-18),hazman (13-07-18),Keith (13-07-18),lsemmens (13-07-18),mkhannah (13-07-18),SS Dave (13-07-18)

  • Page 370 of 635 FirstFirst ... 270320360361362363364365366367368369370371372373374375376377378379380420470 ... LastLast

    Bookmarks

    Posting Permissions

    • You may not post new threads
    • You may not post replies
    • You may not post attachments
    • You may not edit your posts
    •