I asked the boss last friday at 2 oclock if I could go early to watch the football.
I said "I swear I'll make the time up"
Boss: "OK, as long as you do that's fine with me."
He said today "Why does your time sheet say you worked until 5.30 on Friday?"
Me: "I told you I'd make it up."
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
She asked for a 18 carat necklace! Wish granted, nailed it
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him and smeared the walls with his own faeces.
After that, we never played Monopoly again.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
A girlfriend and boyfriend walked into the girlfriends house and the girlfriend said to her mom, "Mom, me and my boyfriend are going up to my room" and the mom says, "Ok honey, you kids have fun."
When they are in the room, the mom hears: "Baby baby baby oh!"
The mom walks to the door and ask, "What the hell is going on?"
The girl says, "Mom were just having sex." and the mom says, "Oh thank god I thought you guys were listening to Justin Bieber."
More sad news from the music industry: Justin Bieber was found alive in his apartment earlier today
I accidently shot a Golden Eagle while out Duck shooting and ended up in court.
Judge: "this is a very serious crime, do you have anything to say in your defence?"
Me: "Yes your Honour, it was very misty and the light was fading and, once I realised the horror of what I'd done, I remembered what my late father said. 'If you kill an animal you must respect it's spirit and eat every part of it' so I took it home and fed my family for a day"
Judge: "Yeah..yeah.. That's very moving young man and, under the circumstances, I'm prepared to admonish you but..just before you step down..I'm curious, what did it taste like?"
Me: "Hard to say Your Honour, kind of like a cross between an Osprey and a Peregrine"
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Banned
Banned
Banned
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Apparently Neymar provided specialist technical advice to the divers getting the Thai kids out.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend, Jodi.
“Well, I’m sure Joe would be pleased,” she said.
“I’m sure you’re right,” replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in
close. “How much did this really cost?”
“All of it,” said Helen. “Thirty thousand.”
“No!” Jody exclaimed. “I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?”
Helen answered, “The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone.”
Jody computed quickly. “$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!”
“Two and a half carats.”
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
Two blokes living in the Australian outback saw a couple of jobs advertised by the Queen of England. She was looking for footmen, to walk beside her carriage.
They applied and were very happy to be flown to London for an interview with Her Majesty.
She says to them: “Because my footmen must wear long white stockings, I must see your ankles to be sure they are not swollen or misshapen."
After they show her their ankles, the Queen says: “It is also important that you don’t have knobby knees, so I need to see your knees too.”
Once she has seen their knees, she says: “Now everything appears to be in shape, so I just need to see your testimonials.”
Nine years later, when the pair are finally released from prison, one of the blokes says to the other:
”I reckon, if we just had a bit more education we would have got that job!"
Pedro and Maria got married. Pedro was a "man about town" so to speak, but Maria was very naive and uninformed about the birds and the bees.
Pedro was a poor working man and could not afford to take time off for a honeymoon. So, that night they retired to his little shack. When Pedro was undressing Maria said, "Oh Pedro, what is that?"
Pedro being very quick thinking said, "Maria, I am the only man in the world with one of these." And, then, he proceeded to show her what it was for, and Maria was happy.
The next morning Pedro went off to work as usual. When he returned home that evening, Maria was on the front porch obviously upset about something.
"Pedro, you told me that you were the only man in the world with one of those, and I saw Gonzalez the gardener changing his clothes behind the shed, and he had one, too."
Thinking fast, Pedro said, "Oh, Maria, Gonzalez is my very best friend. I had two of them so I gave him one. He is the only other man in the world with one of those."
Maria being very stupid accepted his answer and they did their thing again that night.
Pedro went off to work again the next morning and when he returned home, Maria was very upset, stamping her foot on the porch.
Pedro said, "Maria, what is the matter now?"
"Pedro, you gave Gonzalez the best one!!"
There are three men around a fire, a cowboy a mexican and an Indian.
The Indian stands up and says, "We were once many but now we are few."
The Mexican stands up and says, "We were once few and now we are many."
Then the cowboy stands and says, "That's because we haven't played cowboys and Mexicans yet."
The physician was taking her four-year old daughter to pre-school.
The doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.
Be still my heart, thought the doctor, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!
Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's - May I take your order?"
You can learn alot using Google, and the search button.....
A guy walked into a crowded bar,
waving his un-holstered pistol and yelled,
"I have a 45 caliber Colt 1911 with a seven
round magazine plus one in the chamber and
I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife."
A voice from the back of the room called out,
"You need more ammo.”
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