Thread: The Joke thread - Some jokes may offend, read at own risk. Jokes only, no comments.

  1. #7401
    Super Moderator
    enf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Canberra
    Age
    70
    Posts
    17,753
    Thanks
    16,819
    Thanked 34,964 Times in 9,060 Posts
    Rep Power
    13678
    Reputation
    644489

    Default

    What do you call an Englishman holding the world cup?

    The engraver.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

  2. The Following 10 Users Say Thank You to enf For This Useful Post:

    alpha0ne (13-07-18),fred49au (14-07-18),gulliver (13-07-18),hazman (13-07-18),Keith (13-07-18),lsemmens (13-07-18),mkhannah (13-07-18),mtv (14-07-18),ol' boy (13-07-18),SS Dave (13-07-18)



  • #7402
    Super Moderator
    enf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Canberra
    Age
    70
    Posts
    17,753
    Thanks
    16,819
    Thanked 34,964 Times in 9,060 Posts
    Rep Power
    13678
    Reputation
    644489

    Default

    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

  • The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to enf For This Useful Post:

    fred49au (14-07-18),gulliver (13-07-18),hazman (13-07-18),Keith (13-07-18),lsemmens (13-07-18),mkhannah (13-07-18),mtv (14-07-18),zzzzz (13-07-18)

  • #7403
    Premium Member
    hazman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Lurking at the teakdoor
    Posts
    2,023
    Thanks
    7,349
    Thanked 12,494 Times in 1,800 Posts
    Rep Power
    5260
    Reputation
    249784

    Default


  • The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to hazman For This Useful Post:

    enf (13-07-18),fred49au (14-07-18),gulliver (17-07-18),Keith (13-07-18),lsemmens (13-07-18),mkhannah (13-07-18)

  • #7404
    Premium Member
    SS Dave's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Location
    North Canberra
    Age
    63
    Posts
    2,119
    Thanks
    5,297
    Thanked 7,921 Times in 1,282 Posts
    Rep Power
    3337
    Reputation
    154762

    Default

    My wife and I had so many arguments about having a baby.


    I wanted one for a about five years, she wanted to keep the little bugger for ever!.
    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

  • The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to SS Dave For This Useful Post:

    enf (14-07-18),fred49au (14-07-18),gulliver (16-07-18),hazman (14-07-18),Keith (14-07-18),lsemmens (14-07-18),mtv (14-07-18),ol' boy (16-07-18)

  • #7405
    Super Moderator
    enf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Canberra
    Age
    70
    Posts
    17,753
    Thanks
    16,819
    Thanked 34,964 Times in 9,060 Posts
    Rep Power
    13678
    Reputation
    644489

    Default

    I was trying to explain reincarnation to the wife yesterday .

    I said "Some people, especially in eastern cultures, believe that when you die you come back to earth as a completely different kind of animal ".

    She replied "So I could say, come back as a cow?"

    Sigh! "You're not listening are you?"
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

  • The Following 11 Users Say Thank You to enf For This Useful Post:

    + Show/Hide list of the thanked

    alpha0ne (14-07-18),carjackma (15-07-18),fred49au (15-07-18),gulliver (17-07-18),hazman (14-07-18),Keith (14-07-18),lsemmens (14-07-18),mkhannah (14-07-18),mtv (14-07-18),ol' boy (15-07-18),SS Dave (14-07-18)

  • #7406
    Premium Member
    alpha0ne's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    Mandurah WA
    Age
    68
    Posts
    1,443
    Thanks
    3,455
    Thanked 2,988 Times in 813 Posts
    Rep Power
    1427
    Reputation
    59477

    Default

    Subject: 2+2+2=7

    Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

    Johnny: Seven, Sir.

    Teacher: No, listen carefully.

    If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

    Johnny: Seven

    Teacher: Let me put it to you differently.

    If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?

    Johnny: Six.

    Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

    Johnny: Seven!!!

    A very angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you get seven from?!?!?

    Johnny: Because,....I've already got a f@#$in' cat !!!

  • The Following 12 Users Say Thank You to alpha0ne For This Useful Post:

    + Show/Hide list of the thanked

    carjackma (15-07-18),enf (14-07-18),fred49au (15-07-18),gulliver (16-07-18),hazman (15-07-18),Keith (14-07-18),lsemmens (15-07-18),mi_tasol (14-07-18),mtv (14-07-18),ol' boy (16-07-18),SS Dave (14-07-18),Tiny (15-07-18)

  • #7407
    Super Moderator
    enf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Canberra
    Age
    70
    Posts
    17,753
    Thanks
    16,819
    Thanked 34,964 Times in 9,060 Posts
    Rep Power
    13678
    Reputation
    644489

    Default

    The guy who wrote Hokey Pokey died last week.

    It took ages to get him in the coffin.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

  • The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to enf For This Useful Post:

    fred49au (15-07-18),gulliver (16-07-18),hazman (15-07-18),Keith (17-07-18),lsemmens (15-07-18),mkhannah (15-07-18),mtv (16-07-18),ol' boy (15-07-18)

  • #7408
    Premium Member
    ol' boy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Posts
    17,662
    Thanks
    8,131
    Thanked 10,460 Times in 5,194 Posts
    Rep Power
    4471
    Reputation
    184272

    Default

    If u want to go on an expedition get a Land Rover, if u want to come home from an expedition get a Landcruiser!

  • The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to ol' boy For This Useful Post:

    enf (15-07-18),fred49au (16-07-18),gulliver (16-07-18),hazman (15-07-18),Keith (17-07-18),lsemmens (15-07-18),SS Dave (15-07-18),Tiny (15-07-18)

  • #7409
    Premium Member
    ol' boy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Posts
    17,662
    Thanks
    8,131
    Thanked 10,460 Times in 5,194 Posts
    Rep Power
    4471
    Reputation
    184272

    Default

    If u want to go on an expedition get a Land Rover, if u want to come home from an expedition get a Landcruiser!

  • The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to ol' boy For This Useful Post:

    enf (15-07-18),fred49au (16-07-18),gulliver (17-07-18),hazman (15-07-18),Keith (17-07-18),lsemmens (15-07-18),mtv (16-07-18)

  • #7410
    Premium Member
    ol' boy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Posts
    17,662
    Thanks
    8,131
    Thanked 10,460 Times in 5,194 Posts
    Rep Power
    4471
    Reputation
    184272

    Default

    If u want to go on an expedition get a Land Rover, if u want to come home from an expedition get a Landcruiser!

  • The Following 11 Users Say Thank You to ol' boy For This Useful Post:

    + Show/Hide list of the thanked

    dashinson (15-07-18),enf (15-07-18),fred49au (16-07-18),gulliver (16-07-18),hazman (15-07-18),Keith (17-07-18),lsemmens (15-07-18),mkhannah (15-07-18),mtv (16-07-18),SS Dave (15-07-18),Tiny (15-07-18)

  • #7411
    Super Moderator
    enf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Canberra
    Age
    70
    Posts
    17,753
    Thanks
    16,819
    Thanked 34,964 Times in 9,060 Posts
    Rep Power
    13678
    Reputation
    644489

    Default

    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

  • The Following 11 Users Say Thank You to enf For This Useful Post:

    + Show/Hide list of the thanked

    alpha0ne (15-07-18),dashinson (15-07-18),fred49au (16-07-18),gulliver (16-07-18),hazman (15-07-18),Keith (17-07-18),lsemmens (15-07-18),mtv (16-07-18),ol' boy (16-07-18),Tiny (15-07-18),zzzzz (15-07-18)

  • #7412
    Premium Member
    alpha0ne's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    Mandurah WA
    Age
    68
    Posts
    1,443
    Thanks
    3,455
    Thanked 2,988 Times in 813 Posts
    Rep Power
    1427
    Reputation
    59477

    Default

    Fifteen logical reasons why some men have dogs and not wives:



    1. The later you are, the more excited your dog is to see you.


    2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.


    3. Dogs like it if you leave lots of things on the floor.


    4. Dogs' parents never visit.


    5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.


    6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go, instantly, 24 hours a day.


    7. Dogs find you amusing when you're pissed.


    8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.


    9. Dogs won't wake you up at night to ask: “If I died, would you get another dog?”


    10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and sell 'em.


    11. When you drop a silent one, dogs don't run around frantically with room spray.


    12. Dogs never tell you to stop scratching your balls. Instead, they sit pondering why you don't lick 'em.


    13. Dogs will let you put a studded collar on, without calling you a pervert.


    14. If a dog smells another dog on you, it won't kick you in the crotch; it just finds it interesting.


    15. If a dog runs off and leaves you, it won't take half your stuff.




    To verify these statements: Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour.

    Then open the door, and observe who's happy to see you!

  • The Following 10 Users Say Thank You to alpha0ne For This Useful Post:

    enf (16-07-18),fred49au (16-07-18),gulliver (16-07-18),hazman (16-07-18),hinekadon (16-07-18),Keith (17-07-18),lsemmens (15-07-18),mkhannah (15-07-18),SS Dave (15-07-18),william10 (15-07-18)

  • #7413
    Super Moderator
    enf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Canberra
    Age
    70
    Posts
    17,753
    Thanks
    16,819
    Thanked 34,964 Times in 9,060 Posts
    Rep Power
    13678
    Reputation
    644489

    Default

    The doorbell rang. I opened the door...

    "Good morning sir! Would you be willing to take part in a 10 minute opinion poll?"

    "Sorry mate, I can't. My opinion isn't home right now, she's at work."
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

  • The Following 9 Users Say Thank You to enf For This Useful Post:

    alpha0ne (16-07-18),fred49au (16-07-18),gulliver (16-07-18),hazman (16-07-18),hinekadon (16-07-18),Keith (17-07-18),lsemmens (16-07-18),mtv (16-07-18),ol' boy (16-07-18)

  • #7414
    Premium Member
    alpha0ne's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    Mandurah WA
    Age
    68
    Posts
    1,443
    Thanks
    3,455
    Thanked 2,988 Times in 813 Posts
    Rep Power
    1427
    Reputation
    59477

    Default

    The frequency of sexual activity of senior males depends on where they were born.

    Statistics just released from Statistics Canada and The United Nations reveal that:

    North American, Australian, New Zealander and British men between 60 and 80 years of age, will on average, have sex two to three times per week, (and a small number a lot more), whereas Japanese men, in exactly the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year if they are lucky.

    This has come as very upsetting news to both me and most of my buddies at the golf club, as none of us had any idea that we were Japanese.

  • The Following 9 Users Say Thank You to alpha0ne For This Useful Post:

    enf (16-07-18),fred49au (17-07-18),gulliver (17-07-18),hazman (16-07-18),hinekadon (16-07-18),Keith (17-07-18),LeroyPatrol (17-07-18),lsemmens (16-07-18),mtv (16-07-18)

  • #7415
    Banned

    Join Date
    Jan 2017
    Location
    still above ground level
    Posts
    1,779
    Thanks
    5,562
    Thanked 1,964 Times in 714 Posts
    Rep Power
    0
    Reputation
    35657

    Default

    A new study from the Hebrew University of Jerusalem found that between 1973-2011, the sperm count of men in Australia, Europe, New Zealand, and North America dropped by as much as 60%!

    While that stat is alarming, there's something very odd about it: I dont know about the rest of you but Im doing my part fair suck of the sav mate I cant be expected to handle all the pussy in the country

  • #7416
    Super Moderator
    enf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Canberra
    Age
    70
    Posts
    17,753
    Thanks
    16,819
    Thanked 34,964 Times in 9,060 Posts
    Rep Power
    13678
    Reputation
    644489

    Default

    No man is completely worthless.

    You can always serve as a bad example at the very least.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

  • The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to enf For This Useful Post:

    fred49au (19-07-18),gulliver (17-07-18),Keith (18-07-18),lsemmens (18-07-18)

  • #7417
    Super Moderator
    enf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Canberra
    Age
    70
    Posts
    17,753
    Thanks
    16,819
    Thanked 34,964 Times in 9,060 Posts
    Rep Power
    13678
    Reputation
    644489

    Default

    Reaching the end of a job interview, I asked asked the young kid fresh out of University, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

    Kid: "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

    Me: "Hmmmmm. Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 other paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a new Mustang?"

    The kid sat straight up: "Wow! Are you kidding?"

    Me: "Yeah I am, but you f*cking started it."
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

  • The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to enf For This Useful Post:

    alpha0ne (18-07-18),fred49au (19-07-18),gulliver (18-07-18),hazman (18-07-18),Keith (18-07-18),mkhannah (18-07-18)

  • #7418
    Administrator
    mtv's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Posts
    19,893
    Thanks
    7,508
    Thanked 15,066 Times in 6,761 Posts
    Rep Power
    5647
    Reputation
    239305

    Default

    Looks like he proved those wrong who say he's untethered.


  • The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to mtv For This Useful Post:

    enf (18-07-18),fred49au (19-07-18),gulliver (18-07-18),hazman (18-07-18),Keith (18-07-18),SS Dave (18-07-18)

  • #7419
    LSemmens
    lsemmens's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Location
    Rural South OZ
    Posts
    10,585
    Thanks
    11,867
    Thanked 7,061 Times in 3,338 Posts
    Rep Power
    3153
    Reputation
    132592

    Default

    I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

  • The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to lsemmens For This Useful Post:

    enf (18-07-18),fred49au (19-07-18),gulliver (18-07-18),hazman (18-07-18)

  • #7420
    Premium Member
    hazman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Lurking at the teakdoor
    Posts
    2,023
    Thanks
    7,349
    Thanked 12,494 Times in 1,800 Posts
    Rep Power
    5260
    Reputation
    249784

    Default


  • The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to hazman For This Useful Post:

    alpha0ne (18-07-18),Keith (21-07-18),lsemmens (19-07-18)

  • Page 371 of 635 FirstFirst ... 271321361362363364365366367368369370371372373374375376377378379380381421471 ... LastLast

    Bookmarks

    Posting Permissions

    • You may not post new threads
    • You may not post replies
    • You may not post attachments
    • You may not edit your posts
    •