The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
What do you call an American alien?
An extracholesterol.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whisky.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust : "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.
Paddy handed his drink back and said "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"
Husband: "£200,000 compensation for Cliff Richard? The f*cking BBC can film ME from a helicopter and call me a peado for that kind of bloody money!"
Wife: "Give it a rest Mohammad."
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Our Future
Hello! Is this Gordon's Pizza?
No sir - it's Google Pizza.
I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.
No sir - Google bought Gordon's Pizza last month.
OK. I would like to order a pizza.
Do you want your usual, sir?
My usual - you know me?
According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses - sausage - pepperoni - mushrooms and meat balls on a thick crust.
OK - that's what I want .
May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta - arugula - sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat, gluten free, thin crust?
What? I detest vegetables.
Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
How the hell do you know?
Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.
Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drugsale Network, 4 months ago.
I bought more from another drugstore.
That doesn't show on your credit card statement.
I paid in cash.
But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
I have other sources of cash.
That doesn't show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.
WHAT THE HELL? ! ! ! !
I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google - Facebook - Twitter - WhatsApp and all the others!! I'm going to an island without internet - cable TV - where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me !!
I understand sir - but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago
The wife sent me a text last night saying she was in casualty.
The lying bitch, I stayed in and watched the whole f*cking episode and didn't see her anywhere.
I swear that woman will do anything to keep me from going to the pub.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Women apparently will go so far as to fake an orgasm for the sake of the relationship.
But we all know men are the real heroes: they can fake a relationship for the sake of an orgasm.
Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.
My daughter's school teacher rang me today saying "Young Sarah didn't turn up for school today".
"I know, her mother died yesterday" I replied "She won't be back for a while".
"I'm sorry to hear that" he sighed "How's she getting on?".
"Very well" I replied "She's on her third lot of laundry and has already prepared dinner".
Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.
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