The Joke thread - Some jokes may offend, read at own risk. Jokes only, no comments.

[hazman]

[hazman]

[enf]

My teenage son had Mohamed, our neighbours teenage son, over.

I was out but when I got home they were both as pissed as farts, eating a fry up of bacon and watching porn.

"I'm disgusted with you, " I said to my son, "I'm taking him home right now and telling his dad what you've done."

So I took Mohamed home and explained what had happened and how my lad was responsible.

"I can't believe this, "said Mohamed senior to his boy, "you allowed meat from the unclean beast to pass through your lips, you watched acts of degrading filth, and you drunk alcohol. I'm ashamed of you boy, you have gone against the teachings of Islam. What have you to say?"

"I'm not really sure, " replied young Mohamed, "but probably, 'fvck Islam' for a start "

[hazman]

[hazman]

[hazman]

[hazman]

[fred49au]

Lovemaking Tips For Seniors


1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting.. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 000 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember..

6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the b ed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.. (p.s. it’s a pain reliever)

8. Make all the noise you want.....the neighbours are deaf, too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!

10. Don't even think about trying it twice. .. .. . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . .. . . . ..
OLD' IS WHEN....
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN..
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police .

'OLD' IS WHEN ...
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot..

'OLD' IS WHEN....
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You're not sure if these are facts or jokes.

[enf]

The fairy god mother says to Cinderella "Now dont forget Cinders, if you are not home by the final stroke of the bell at midnight your dress will become rags, and your pussy will turn into a pumpkin".

Cinderella is dancing at the ball and meets a handsome young man ..she tells him her name and asks him his.

He says "Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater. And what time do you have to be home pretty lady?"

She replies "Dunno. 3 ish, maybe 4 oclock in the morning "

[hazman]

I got a U2 special edition SatNav for my birthday.

It's shit.

The streets have no name and I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

[enf]

We’ve all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare.

Now, thanks to the internet, we know that's complete bullsh*t.

[enf]

Terms like char, sear, flambe, caramelise, scorch.

They're all Greek to me.

[SS Dave]

I was offered sex today with a 19-year-old girl.

In exchange for that, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner on Austech.

Of course I declined because I am a person of high moral standards with a strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available scented with lemon or vanilla.

[SS Dave]

My girlfriend just text me: "thespacebuttonisbrokenonmyphonecanyoupleasegiveme analternative"



Anybody know what "ternative" means?

[lsemmens]

God said: "Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles."

St. FRANCIS:

It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD:

Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS:

Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD:

The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS:

Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.

GOD:

They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS:

Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD:

They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS:

No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD:

Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS:

Yes, Sir.

GOD:

These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS:

You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD:

What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.

ST. FRANCIS:

You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD:

No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS:

After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch.. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD:

And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS:

They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD:

Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE:

'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....

GOD:

Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis . .

[SS Dave]

One of the VW software engineers involved in the emissions scandal has killed himself in his garage.

He didn't mean to, he was just parking his car.

[SS Dave]

A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he won't pay up. What should I do?"

"Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer.

"Nope," replied the man.

"Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1,000 he owes you," said the lawyer.

"But it's only $500," replied the man.

"Precisely. That's what he will reply and then you'll have your proof!"

[enf]

My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night. Bitch nearly took out both of my eyes.

[enf]

[hazman]