A Vicar was staying overnight in a hotel. Before he went to sleep for the night, he had a read of the Bible. He was awoken next morning by the maid, with a cup of tea.
He said to the maid, "Fancy a quick screw my dear?"
The maid said, "But you're a man of the cloth, that can't be right!"
He said, "It's all right dear, it says so in the Bible!"
She hopped into bed with the reverend gentleman and she screwed him relentlessly until they were both exhausted. When she recovered, the maid got out of the bed and said, "I'd like you to show me the passage in the Bible, where it says it's alright".
The vicar opened the bedside table drawer, took out the Gideon s Bible and opened the cover. Someone had written in there, "Ask the maid if she fancies a f*ck, normally she goes like the clappers."
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
An Aussie walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies,'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..'
The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch? ''What's so special about it?'
The Aussie explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'
'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'
The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says, ' Bloody thing's an hour fast!'
The wife came into the lounge and asked why our two year old son was screaming and crying.
"He kicked me in the balls," I gasped.
"It's not his fault," she said, "he doesn't understand that it hurts."
"He f*cking does now."
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
An Australian, an Irishman, a Welshman and a Scot are captured by the Iraqis. The Iraq troop leader says, "we"re going to shoot you, but we will give you one last request."
He says to the Welshman, "what's your last request?"The Welshman says, "I want a thousand Welshman singing 'Land of my Fathers'."
"What about you?" he says to the Scotsman."I want a thousand Scots pipers piping Scotland the brave," says the Scot.
"What's your last request?" he says to the Irishman."I want a thousand Irishman doing the Riverdance" says Paddy.
Turning to the Australian, he says, "and your last request?" The Aussie says, "For f*cks sake, shoot me first."
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
I went to a pharmacy and asked what they could suggest to get rid if my wrinkles.
They told me to eat more Big Macs.
Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body..... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts
Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.
When my uncle passed away, all the clocks in the house stopped at exactly the same time.
He died in a gas explosion.
Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine ...
And those who don't and are always
seen with a bottle of water in their hand.
As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, Scientists have
demonstrated that if we drink one litre of water each day, At the end
of the year we would have absorbed More than 1 kilo of Escherichia
coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poo ...
However,
We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum,
whiskey or other liquor) , because alcohol has to go through a
purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember:
Water = Poo,
Wine = Health.
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink
water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service!
THE "M" WORD - YOU KNOW, THE ONE YOU CAN'T CRITICIZE !!!
The "M" word... by comedian Jeff Foxworthy.
Have you ever wondered why it's OK to make jokes about Catholics, Jews, Christians, the Pope, the Irish, the Italians, the Polish, the Hungarians, the Chinese, the French (including French Canadians), the elderly, bad golfers, men/women, blacks/whites, etc, but its insensitive to make jokes about the Muslims?
Well, it's time to level the playing field and be
politically incorrect, by including our friends, the
Muslims, on this grandiose list.
So Jeff Foxworthy did his part to include the Muslims on his list ...
1. If you grow and refine heroin for a living, but morally object to the use of liquor, You may be a Muslim.
2. If you own a $3,000 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but can't afford shoes, You may be a Muslim.
3. If you have more wives than teeth, You may be a Muslim.
4. If you wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon to be unclean, You may be a Muslim.
5. If you think vests come in two styles, Bullet-proof and suicide, You may be a Muslim.
6. If you can't think of anyone that you haven't
declared jihad against, You may be a Muslim.
7. If you consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing, You may be a Muslim.
8. If you were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses, other than setting off roadside bombs, You may be a Muslim.
9. If you have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four, then you, too, may be a Muslim.
10. If you find this offensive and do not forward it, you
are part of the problem here in Australia, but if you delete this, you are most likely a Muslim.
My daughter was badly beaten up last night because she repeatedly said the "N" word to a black guy.
"No"
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
A new shop is opening at the local mall specialising in budget priced muslim womenswear....Burka King.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Aftershocks from the Indonesian earthquake hit Bali damaging tens of thousands of designer watches and items of luggage including Rolex and Burberry products.
Initial estimates believe the value of the ruined stock could be as high as $75.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
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