Thread: The Joke thread - Some jokes may offend, read at own risk. Jokes only, no comments.

  1. #7561
    Premium Member
    hazman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Lurking at the teakdoor
    Posts
    2,023
    Thanks
    7,349
    Thanked 12,494 Times in 1,800 Posts
    Rep Power
    5260
    Reputation
    249784

    Default


  2. The Following 10 Users Say Thank You to hazman For This Useful Post:

    carjackma (27-08-18),enf (25-08-18),fred49au (26-08-18),Godzilla (01-09-18),gulliver (26-08-18),hinekadon (25-08-18),Keith (25-08-18),lsemmens (26-08-18),mkhannah (25-08-18),SS Dave (25-08-18)



  • #7562
    Premium Member
    hazman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Lurking at the teakdoor
    Posts
    2,023
    Thanks
    7,349
    Thanked 12,494 Times in 1,800 Posts
    Rep Power
    5260
    Reputation
    249784

    Default


  • The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to hazman For This Useful Post:

    enf (25-08-18),fred49au (26-08-18),gulliver (26-08-18),hinekadon (25-08-18),mkhannah (25-08-18),SS Dave (25-08-18)

  • #7563
    Premium Member
    hazman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Lurking at the teakdoor
    Posts
    2,023
    Thanks
    7,349
    Thanked 12,494 Times in 1,800 Posts
    Rep Power
    5260
    Reputation
    249784

    Default


  • The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to hazman For This Useful Post:

    carjackma (27-08-18),enf (25-08-18),fred49au (26-08-18),Godzilla (01-09-18),gulliver (26-08-18),Keith (25-08-18),lsemmens (26-08-18),mkhannah (25-08-18)

  • #7564
    Premium Member
    hazman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Lurking at the teakdoor
    Posts
    2,023
    Thanks
    7,349
    Thanked 12,494 Times in 1,800 Posts
    Rep Power
    5260
    Reputation
    249784

    Default


  • The Following 9 Users Say Thank You to hazman For This Useful Post:

    alpha0ne (25-08-18),carjackma (27-08-18),enf (25-08-18),fred49au (26-08-18),Godzilla (01-09-18),gulliver (26-08-18),Keith (25-08-18),lsemmens (26-08-18),mkhannah (25-08-18)

  • #7565
    Premium Member
    hazman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Lurking at the teakdoor
    Posts
    2,023
    Thanks
    7,349
    Thanked 12,494 Times in 1,800 Posts
    Rep Power
    5260
    Reputation
    249784

    Default


  • The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to hazman For This Useful Post:

    enf (25-08-18),fred49au (26-08-18),Godzilla (01-09-18),gulliver (26-08-18),hinekadon (25-08-18),lsemmens (26-08-18),mkhannah (25-08-18)

  • #7566
    Premium Member
    hazman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Lurking at the teakdoor
    Posts
    2,023
    Thanks
    7,349
    Thanked 12,494 Times in 1,800 Posts
    Rep Power
    5260
    Reputation
    249784

    Default


  • The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to hazman For This Useful Post:

    enf (25-08-18),fred49au (26-08-18),Godzilla (01-09-18),gulliver (26-08-18),hinekadon (25-08-18),lsemmens (26-08-18),mkhannah (25-08-18)

  • #7567
    Shut your dog up!!
    Jma's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Location
    Somewhere in the darkness...
    Posts
    509
    Thanks
    442
    Thanked 431 Times in 216 Posts
    Rep Power
    322
    Reputation
    8540

    Default

    An oldie...

    Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

    "If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."


    In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating:

    If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

    1...For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........twice a day.

    2... Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

    3...Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

    4...Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

    5...Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

    6...The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

    7...The airbag system would ask,"Are you sure?"before deploying.

    8...Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

    9...Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

    10...You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

    When all else fails, you could call "customer service" in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!

  • The Following 10 Users Say Thank You to Jma For This Useful Post:

    alpha0ne (25-08-18),enf (26-08-18),fred49au (26-08-18),Godzilla (01-09-18),gulliver (26-08-18),hazman (26-08-18),hinekadon (25-08-18),Keith (25-08-18),lsemmens (26-08-18),SS Dave (25-08-18)

  • #7568
    Shut your dog up!!
    Jma's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Location
    Somewhere in the darkness...
    Posts
    509
    Thanks
    442
    Thanked 431 Times in 216 Posts
    Rep Power
    322
    Reputation
    8540

    Default

    Another oldie...Anger Management!

    When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

    I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.
    A man answered, saying "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"
    Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f**in number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.
    I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally mixed up the last two digits.
    After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
    When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an arsehole!" and hung up.
    I wrote his number down with the word 'arsehole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.
    Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an arsehole!" It always cheered me up.
    When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'arsehole' calling would have to stop.
    So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from Telstra. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"
    He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.
    I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an ARSEHOLE!"

    One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
    Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.
    I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.
    I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
    A couple of days later, right after calling the first arsehole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW arsehole, too.
    I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
    "Yes, it is", he said. "Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.
    "Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house,and the car's parked right out in front."
    "What's your name?" I asked.
    "My name is Don Hansen," he said.
    "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
    "I'm home every evening after five."
    "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
    "Yes?"
    "Don, you're an arsehole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

    Now, when I had a problem, I had two arseholes to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called Arsehole #1.
    "Hello."
    "You're an arsehole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
    "Are you still there?" he asked.
    "Yeah," I said.
    "Stop calling me," he screamed.
    "Make me," I said.
    "Who are you?" he asked.
    "My name is Don Hansen."
    "Yeah? Where do you live?"
    "Arsehole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."
    He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
    I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, arsehole," and hung up.
    Then I called Arsehole #2. "Hello?" he said.
    "Hello, arsehole," I said.
    He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
    "You'll what?" I said.
    "I'll kick your arse," he exclaimed.
    I answered, "Well, arsehole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
    Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse.
    I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch two arseholes beating the crap out of eachother in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.

    NOW I feel much better. Anger management really works.

  • The Following 10 Users Say Thank You to Jma For This Useful Post:

    alpha0ne (26-08-18),enf (26-08-18),fred49au (26-08-18),Godzilla (01-09-18),gulliver (26-08-18),hazman (26-08-18),hinekadon (25-08-18),lsemmens (26-08-18),SS Dave (25-08-18),william10 (27-08-18)

  • #7569
    Super Moderator
    enf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Canberra
    Age
    70
    Posts
    17,753
    Thanks
    16,820
    Thanked 34,965 Times in 9,060 Posts
    Rep Power
    13679
    Reputation
    644509

    Default

    Two priests at a Bucking Bronco contest. The first priest hardly lasts 30 seconds,but the second priest lasts well over 2 minutes and walks away with the prize money.

    The first priest says "I don't know how you do it.."

    The second replies "One of my choirboys is Epileptic"
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

  • The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to enf For This Useful Post:

    alpha0ne (26-08-18),fred49au (27-08-18),Godzilla (01-09-18),hazman (27-08-18),hinekadon (26-08-18),Keith (27-08-18),lsemmens (26-08-18),mkhannah (26-08-18)

  • #7570
    Super Moderator
    enf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Canberra
    Age
    70
    Posts
    17,753
    Thanks
    16,820
    Thanked 34,965 Times in 9,060 Posts
    Rep Power
    13679
    Reputation
    644509

    Default

    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

  • The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to enf For This Useful Post:

    fred49au (28-08-18),Godzilla (01-09-18),gulliver (27-08-18),hazman (27-08-18),hinekadon (27-08-18),Keith (30-08-18),lsemmens (27-08-18)

  • #7571
    Banned

    Join Date
    Jan 2017
    Location
    still above ground level
    Posts
    1,779
    Thanks
    5,562
    Thanked 1,964 Times in 714 Posts
    Rep Power
    0
    Reputation
    35657

    Default

    A pensioner drove his brand new Mercedes to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

    The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before, why you were speeding... I'll let you go."

    The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :- "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!!

    The Cop left saying, " Have a good day, Sir "...

  • The Following 9 Users Say Thank You to hinekadon For This Useful Post:

    alpha0ne (27-08-18),enf (28-08-18),fred49au (28-08-18),Godzilla (01-09-18),gulliver (28-08-18),hazman (27-08-18),Keith (30-08-18),lsemmens (27-08-18),SS Dave (27-08-18)

  • #7572
    Premium Member
    alpha0ne's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    Mandurah WA
    Age
    68
    Posts
    1,443
    Thanks
    3,455
    Thanked 2,988 Times in 813 Posts
    Rep Power
    1427
    Reputation
    59477

    Default

    Wife Missing?

    The first thing a husband should do.......CALL THE SHERIFF!!!



    Husband: My wife of 15 years is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!

    Sheriff: Height ?

    Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

    Sheriff: Weight ?

    Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

    Sheriff: Color of eyes

    Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

    Sheriff: Color of hair?

    Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.

    Sheriff: What was she wearing ?

    Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

    Sheriff: What kind of car did she go in?

    Husband: She went in my truck.

    Sheriff: What kind of truck was it ?

    Husband: A 2016 Brilliant Diesel Grey Pearlcoat Ram Limited 4X4 with 6.4 l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, LED lighting, backup and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailing package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB port, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting.

    At this point the husband started choking up.

    Sheriff: “Take it easy sir, we'll find your truck!!!”

  • The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to alpha0ne For This Useful Post:

    enf (28-08-18),fred49au (28-08-18),Godzilla (01-09-18),gulliver (28-08-18),hazman (27-08-18),Keith (30-08-18),lsemmens (27-08-18),SS Dave (27-08-18)

  • #7573
    LSemmens
    lsemmens's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Location
    Rural South OZ
    Posts
    10,585
    Thanks
    11,868
    Thanked 7,061 Times in 3,338 Posts
    Rep Power
    3153
    Reputation
    132592

    Default

    I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

  • The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to lsemmens For This Useful Post:

    hazman (27-08-18),Keith (30-08-18),Tiny (27-08-18),william10 (27-08-18)

  • #7574
    LSemmens
    lsemmens's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Location
    Rural South OZ
    Posts
    10,585
    Thanks
    11,868
    Thanked 7,061 Times in 3,338 Posts
    Rep Power
    3153
    Reputation
    132592

    Default

    I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

  • The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to lsemmens For This Useful Post:

    carjackma (27-08-18),Godzilla (01-09-18),gulliver (28-08-18),mkhannah (27-08-18),SS Dave (27-08-18)

  • #7575
    LSemmens
    lsemmens's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Location
    Rural South OZ
    Posts
    10,585
    Thanks
    11,868
    Thanked 7,061 Times in 3,338 Posts
    Rep Power
    3153
    Reputation
    132592

    Default

    I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

  • The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to lsemmens For This Useful Post:

    fred49au (28-08-18),Godzilla (01-09-18),mkhannah (27-08-18)

  • #7576
    LSemmens
    lsemmens's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Location
    Rural South OZ
    Posts
    10,585
    Thanks
    11,868
    Thanked 7,061 Times in 3,338 Posts
    Rep Power
    3153
    Reputation
    132592

    Default

    I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

  • The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to lsemmens For This Useful Post:

    enf (28-08-18),fred49au (28-08-18),Godzilla (01-09-18),gulliver (28-08-18),mkhannah (27-08-18)

  • #7577
    LSemmens
    lsemmens's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Location
    Rural South OZ
    Posts
    10,585
    Thanks
    11,868
    Thanked 7,061 Times in 3,338 Posts
    Rep Power
    3153
    Reputation
    132592

    Default

    I Wish
    I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

  • The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to lsemmens For This Useful Post:

    enf (28-08-18),fred49au (28-08-18),Godzilla (01-09-18),gulliver (28-08-18),Keith (30-08-18),mkhannah (27-08-18),SS Dave (27-08-18)

  • #7578
    Premium Member
    hazman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Lurking at the teakdoor
    Posts
    2,023
    Thanks
    7,349
    Thanked 12,494 Times in 1,800 Posts
    Rep Power
    5260
    Reputation
    249784

    Default

    Tommy Cooper quickies:

    1. Two blondes walk into a building...you'd think at least one of them would have seen it. (Think he'd get away with that in today's looney tunes world?)

    2. Phone answering machine message: "If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

    3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

    4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

    5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

    6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
    The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

    7. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.

    8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

    9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

    10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

    11. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'.
    'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'
    'Is it common?'
    'It's not unusual.'

    12. A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
    'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
    So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
    'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
    'No, because he's really heavy'

    13. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.'
    'How's that?'
    'Don't you start.'

    14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

    15. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
    I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it...'

    16. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

    17. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bastard!'

    18. Police arrested two children yesterday; one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

    19. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

    20. A man walked into the doctor's, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
    The doctor said, 'Well don't go there any more'

    21. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

  • The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to hazman For This Useful Post:

    alpha0ne (29-08-18),Godzilla (01-09-18),lsemmens (29-08-18),mkhannah (28-08-18),Skepticist (30-08-18)

  • #7579
    Premium Member
    hazman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Lurking at the teakdoor
    Posts
    2,023
    Thanks
    7,349
    Thanked 12,494 Times in 1,800 Posts
    Rep Power
    5260
    Reputation
    249784

    Default


  • The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to hazman For This Useful Post:

    Godzilla (01-09-18),lsemmens (29-08-18),mkhannah (28-08-18)

  • #7580
    Premium Member
    hazman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Lurking at the teakdoor
    Posts
    2,023
    Thanks
    7,349
    Thanked 12,494 Times in 1,800 Posts
    Rep Power
    5260
    Reputation
    249784

    Default


  • The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to hazman For This Useful Post:

    enf (28-08-18),Godzilla (01-09-18),Keith (30-08-18),lsemmens (29-08-18)

  • Page 379 of 635 FirstFirst ... 279329369370371372373374375376377378379380381382383384385386387388389429479 ... LastLast

    Bookmarks

    Posting Permissions

    • You may not post new threads
    • You may not post replies
    • You may not post attachments
    • You may not edit your posts
    •