Thread: The Joke thread - Some jokes may offend, read at own risk. Jokes only, no comments.

  1. #7621
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    The wife said angrily, "You never see things from my point of view."

    I was outraged, "What the fvck are you talking about? I looked out the kitchen window just yesterday."
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Mama told me there'd be days like this.


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    Probably been posted before but still brings a smile......................


    A man in Newcastle walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.

    The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.

    The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.

    Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager,

    "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of lettuce."

    As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him,

    so the boy quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

    The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

    Later, the manager said to the boy...........

    "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"

    "New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.

    "Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked.


    The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there."

    "Is that right?" replied the manager, "My wife is from New Zealand!"

    "Really?" replied the boy, "Who did she play for?"

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Usain Bolt on Holiday in Alabama decides to watch the American Golf Open. As hes wandering in, hes stopped at the door by Security. "I'm sorry, but this is a Whites Only Golf Course, your Golf Course is 15min down the road". But dont you know who I am!!! I'm Usain Bolt, the Worlds Fastest Man!!"
    Alright clever c**t, 5 min down the road, now F*ck Off!
    You can learn alot using Google, and the search button.....

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    JENNY CRAIG ~ FOR MEN

    A guy calls the company and orders their 5 day - 5kg weight loss program.

    The next day, there's a knock on the door and standing before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe from J.C. Dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

    The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
    Without a second thought, he takes off after her.
    A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
    The same girl shows up the next four days and the same thing happens.
    On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5kgs as promised.


    He calls the company and orders their 5day - 10kg program.
    The next day there's a knock at the door and standing before him is the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.
    She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me, you can have me'.
    Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.
    This girl is in excellent shape and despite his best efforts, no such luck.
    So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
    Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10kgs, as promised.


    He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order their 7 day - 25kg program.

    'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone.. 'This is our most rigorous program.'

    'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

    The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds
    A huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,


    'If I catch you, you're mine.'

    He lost 31kgs that week. . .

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    Was in Turkey on holiday and came across one of those Turkish bath houses.

    They shaved with a solid steel stone ground razor from below the neck line, inside the ears, snipped out nose hairs, waxed off chest hairs and plucked all the hairs out of the arse crack. All finished off with a moustache trim and alcohol rub.

    Honestly, the wife's never looked so good.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    1. I never knew what true happiness was until I married and by then it was too late

    2. Adam & Eve were the first people not to read the Apple terms and conditions

    3. I should have been sad when the batteries in my torch died…but I was delighted

    4. The man who invented Velcro has died…. RIP

    5. It’s true that dogs are loyal, but cats don’t tell the police where you hide the drugs

    6. Have you ever tried blindfolded archery? You don’t know what you are missing.

    7. Collecting my thoughts…almost got the full set

    8. What do you call a false noodle? An Im-Pasta.

    9. Without a doubt, my favourite Robin Williams movie is Mrs Fire

    10. Tweet others as you would like to be tweeted

    11. Don’t use a big word when a singular unloquacious and diminutive linguistic expression will satisfactorily accomplish the contemporary necessity

    12. Viagra is now available in a teabag, it doesn’t improve your sexual performance but it stops your biscuits going soft.

    13. I love jokes about eyes, in fact the cornea the better

    14. Well, to be Frank, I’d have to change my mind

    15. I’d like to go to Holland one day, wooden shoe?

    16. Why do the French eat snails/ They don’t like fast food

    17. To the guy who stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now

    18. Amazon don’t pack my jigsaw very carefully…it arrived in a thousand pieces

    19. I’ll tell you what’s wrong with society these days, nobody drinks out of the skulls of their enemies anymore

    20. If it weren’t for the venetians it would be curtains for all of us.

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    Bloody Queenslanders


    A genuine joke from Queensland. It is well known that humour is regional, but this is the first joke that I can say is truly a Queenslander:

    At a national conference of the Australian Hotels Association, the general managers of Cascade Brewery (Tasmania), Tooheys (New South Wales),
    XXXX (Queensland), CUB (Victoria) and Coopers (South Australia) found themselves sitting at the same table for lunch.
    When the waitress asked what they wanted to drink, the GM of Tooheys said without hesitation, "I'll have a Tooheys New."
    The head of Carlton & United smiled and said, Make mine a VB." To which the boss of Coopers rejoined, "I'll have a Coopers, the King of Beers."
    And the bloke from Cascade asked for "a Cascade, the cleanest draught on the planet."
    The General Manager of XXXX paused a moment and then placed his order:

    "I'll have a Diet Coke."

    The others looked at him as if he had sprouted a new head.

    "Well, he said with a shrug, if you poofters aren't drinking beer, then neither will I."


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    Little Boy "Mum, how come I'm black and you're white?"

    Mum "Don't get me started. When I think back to that party, you're lucky you don't bark!"
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    I was badly attacked by a woman in an elevator.

    A witness got her photo of the attacker........







    I was in the elevator when she got in.


    I was casually staring at her boobs when she

    said, "Would you please press one, so I did.



    I don't remember much afterwards.


    I hope to be out of the hospital in a few days,



    will let you know!







    cid:CE1CE550016E4CE4B85AF8391B6CA100@Henry

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    I was watching the New Avengers Assemble movie when the wife walked into the lounge and said, "What super power would you have if you could have any?"

    "Invisibility." I replied.

    "Really? What would you do if you were invisible?"

    "Sit here and watch the TV without being interrupted."
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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