Thread: The Joke thread - Some jokes may offend, read at own risk. Jokes only, no comments.

  1. #7641
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    DARWIN ( AUSTRALIA )

    Woman saves herself in Crocodile attack using a small Walking Stick. This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a walking stick against a fierce predator. Here is her story in her own words: "While out walking along the edge of a creek just outside of our house in Darwin , with my soon to be ex-husband discussing our property settlement and other divorce issues,
    we were surprised by a huge 5 metre crocodile which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging at us very fast with its large jaws wide open. The Croc must have been protecting her young
    and her home because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little $5 dollar Reject Shop walking stick with me, I would not be here today! Just one hard whack to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took..
    The 'Croc got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. The amount I saved in lawyer’s fees was really incredible - and I got the lot.
















































    Virus-free.



    I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Do you know why men name their penis? They don't want a total stranger making 90% of their life decisions.

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    Default Marketing 101

    Marketing 101:



    You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.



    You're at a party and see a gorgeous gal. She walks up to you and sez, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.
    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

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    I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

    Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

    There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

    Life is sexually transmitted.

    Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

    The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

    Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

    How is it one careless match can start a bush fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

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    My boss came up to me and said, "This is the fifth time this week that you've come to work late. Do you know what that means?"

    "Yeah," I replied, "it's Friday."
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    I was offered sex with a stunning 18 year old girl today. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower.

    Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available scented with lemon or vanilla!
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    A Medical Breakthrough.
    A couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

    Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing
    an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a
    portion of the mother's labour pain to the baby's father.

    He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in favour of it.

    The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably
    more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

    But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick
    it up a notch.

    The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still
    feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he
    was doing.

    At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.

    Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband
    encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

    The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband continued to
    experience no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

    When they got home they found the postman dead on the porch.

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    A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children, needed to move because his rental agreement was terminated by the owner who wanted to reoccupy the home. But he was having a lot of difficulties finding a new house. When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy the place. And couldn't say he had no children because he couldn't lie as we all know lawyers cannot and do not lie.

    So, he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids. He then took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent. He loved one of the homes and the price was right.

    The agent asked: "How many children do you have?"

    He answered: "Twelve."

    The agent asked, "Where are the others?"

    The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look answered, "They're in the cemetery with their mother."

    MORAL: It's not necessary to actually lie, one only has to choose the right words...


    Oh! Most politicians are lawyers.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Cheers, Tiny
    "You can lead a person to knowledge, but you can't make them think? If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem.
    The information is out there; you just have to let it in."

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    What does Allahu Akbar actually mean?" I asked my neighbour Muhammad.

    "It has two meanings," he replied, "The first meaning is 'God is Great'".

    "And the second?" I asked.

    "Run like fvck!" he said.....
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    JUST A JOKE

    On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed. On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks and make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed. On the third day God created the cow. "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves, and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed again. On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years." Man said, "What? Only twenty years? Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back, and the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?" Okay," said God, "You've got a deal." So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you. dont complain !!!!
    Last edited by hinekadon; 25-09-18 at 02:02 PM. Reason: more

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    The Country Doctor

    A young doctor had moved to a small community near Broken Hill to replace a doctor who was retiring.

    The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds so that the community would become used to their new doctor.

    At the first house a woman complains, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."


    The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

    As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman, how did you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"

    "I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the waste bin. I knew that was what probably was making her sick."

    The younger doctor said "Pretty clever. If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house."

    Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn't have the energy she once had and said, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

    "You've probably been doing too much for the Church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

    As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, she's very active in the church but how did you arrive at it?"

    "I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the vicar under the bed."

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    CURTAIN RODS



    On the first day after his divorce, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

    On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.

    On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, a bottle of spring-water, 3 cans of sardines.

    When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar, and some sardines into the hollow center of the curtain rods.

    He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

    On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss.


    Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

    They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

    Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!...People stopped coming over to visit.

    Repairmen refused to work in the house...The maid quit.

    Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.

    Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

    Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

    Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

    Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10 nth of what the house had been worth ... but only if he would sign the papers that very day.

    He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

    A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home and to spite the ex-husband... they even took the curtain rods!


    I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

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    A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed.

    "If I do 220kph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.

    Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.

    "Go and get help!" he cried.

    "But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"

    "Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."

    Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"

    The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    I was telling a woman about my ability to guess what day a woman was born, just by feeling her breasts.

    "Really" she said, "Go on then... Try."

    After about thirty seconds of fondling, she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"

    I said, "Yesterday."

    It cost me a kick in the goolies, but...
    I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

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    If u want to go on an expedition get a Land Rover, if u want to come home from an expedition get a Landcruiser!

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