Thread: The Joke thread - Some jokes may offend, read at own risk. Jokes only, no comments.

  1. #7681
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    1. Teaching Maths In 1950s

    A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
    is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

    2. Teaching Maths In 1970s


    A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
    is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

    3. Teaching Maths In 1980s




    A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
    His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit ?
    Yes or No

    4. Teaching Maths In 1990s


    A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
    is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.


    5. Teaching Maths In 2000s


    A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and
    inconsiderate and cares nothing
    for the habitat of animals or the
    preservation of our woodlands.
    He does this so he can make a profit of
    $20. What do you think of this
    way of making a living? Topic for
    class participation after
    answering the question: How did the birds
    and squirrels feel as the logger
    cut down their homes? (There are no
    wrong answers, feel free to express your feelings



    e.g, anger, anxiety, inadequacy, helplessness etc.)


    Should you require debriefing at conclusion of exam


    there are counsellors available


    to assist you adjust back into the real world……





    6. Teaching Maths In 2050……












    هاتشيروتبيعكارلوادمننهاب100 دولار. تكلفةالإنتاجهو80 دولاراً. كيفالكثيرمنالمالولم؟
    I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

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    I went to see my lawyer: "I want to divorce my wife."

    Lawyer : "On what grounds?"

    Me : "She's out all night, every night, going from bar to bar."

    Lawyer : "Are you saying she's an alcoholic or do you think she's cheating?"

    Me : "No, she's looking for me!"
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned
    to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike
    up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

    The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
    stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

    "Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God,
    or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

    "Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask
    you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
    stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
    out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

    The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
    thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which
    the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
    God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?"

    And then she went back to reading her book.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    The wife got me to drive her into town yesterday. Soon we passed a fit young blonde jogging on the footpath.

    "That's what I should be doing." I muttered.

    "What, jogging?"

    "No, her."
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    An Englishman's View of Australia!
    The following has been written by the late Douglas Adams of "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" fame.

    "Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the bottom half of the planet. It is recognisable from orbit because of many unusual features, including what at first looks like an enormous bite taken out of its southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which plunge into the girting sea. Geologists assure us that this is simply an accident of geomorphology, but they still call it the "Great Australian Bight", proving that not only are they covering up a more frightening theory but they can't spell either.

    The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the place. Where other landmasses and sovereign lands are classified as continent, island or country, Australia is considered all three.
    Typically, it is unique in this.

    The second confusing thing about Australia is the animals. They can be divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep. It is true that of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9 of them. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most poisonous arachnids, Australia has all of them.

    Any visitors should be careful to check inside boots (before putting them on), under toilet seats (before sitting down) and generally everywhere else. A stick is very useful for this task.

    The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants.

    A short history: Sometime around 40,000 years ago some people arrived in boats from the north. They ate all the available food, and a lot of them died. The ones who survived learned respect for the balance of nature, man's proper place in the scheme of things, and spiders. They settled in and spent a lot of the intervening time making up strange stories. They also discovered a stick that kept coming back.

    Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north.
    More accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged people in charge. They tried to plant their crops in autumn (failing to take account of the reversal of the seasons), ate all their food, and a lot of them died.

    About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever since. It is interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider themselves vastly superior to any other race they encounter, since they can lie, cheat, steal and litigate (marks of a civilised culture they say), whereas all the Aboriginals can do is happily survive being left in the middle of a vast red-hot desert - equipped with a stick.
    Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on 'extended holiday' and became Australians. The changes are subtle, but deep, caused by the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet, where a person can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselves to the core of their essence, their reasons for being, and the necessity of checking inside their boots every morning for fatal surprises. They also picked up the most finely tuned sense of irony in the world, and the Aboriginal gift for making up stories. Be warned.

    There is also the matter of the beaches. Australian beaches are simply the nicest and best in the world, although anyone actually venturing into the sea will have to contend with sharks, stinging jellyfish, stonefish (a fish which sits on the bottom of the sea, pretends to be a rock and has venomous barbs sticking out of its back that will kill just from the pain) and surfboarders. However, watching a beach sunset is worth the risk.

    As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst and wombats, you would expect Australians to be a sour lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly, cheerful and always willing to share a kind word with a stranger. Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible problems, they smile disarmingly and look for a stick. Major engineering feats have been performed with sheets of corrugated iron, string and mud.

    Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the 'Grass is greener on the other side of the fence' syndrome, and roundly proclaim that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence. They call the land "Oz" or "Godzone" (a verbal contraction of "God's Own Country"). The irritating thing about this is... they may be right.

    TIPS TO SURVIVING AUSTRALIA

    Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason - WHATSOEVER.
    The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you think it is.
    Always carry a stick.
    Air-conditioning is imperative.
    Do not attempt to use Australian slang unless you are a trained linguist and extremely good in a fist fight.
    Wear thick socks.
    Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are people nearby
    If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you at all times, or you will die. And don't forget a stick.
    Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is always a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.

    HOW TO IDENTIFY AUSTRALIANS

    They pronounce Melbourne as "Mel-bin".
    They think it makes perfect sense to decorate highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.
    They think "Woolloomooloo" is a perfectly reasonable name for a place, that "Wagga Wagga" can be abbreviated to "Wagga", but "Woy Woy" can't be called "Woy".
    Their hamburgers will contain beetroot. Apparently it's a must-have.
    How else do you get a stain on your shirt?
    They don't think it's summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.
    They believe that all train timetables are works of fiction.
    And they all carry a stick and cant play rugby

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  • #7691
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    For the last six odd years, almost all of the things I wanted to write or say, have been stymied by that modern term referred to as 'POLITICAL CORRECTNESS'.. Although I consider myself reasonably fluent in English, that term was not in my vocabulary. Curiosity got the better of me so I decided to do a little research, and after two weeks of chasing fruitless leads, I found what I'd been looking for at the Truman Library and Museum in Independence Missouri. An unnamed source there sent me copies of four telegrams between then-President Harry Truman and Gen Douglas MacArthur on the day before the actual signing of the WW2 Surrender Agreement in September 1945.. The contents of those four telegrams below are exactly as received at the end of the war - not a word has been added or deleted!

    (1) Tokyo,Japan

    0800-September 1,1945

    To: President Harry S Truman

    From: General D A MacArthur

    Tomorrow we meet with those yellow-bellied bastards and sign the Surrender Documents, any last minute instructions?



    (2) Washington, D C

    1300-September 1, 1945

    To: D A MacArthur

    From: H S Truman

    Congratulations, job well done, but you must tone down your obvious dislike of the Japanese when discussing the terms of the surrender with the press, because some of your remarks are fundamentally not politically correct!



    (3) Tokyo, Japan

    1630-September 1, 1945

    To: H S Truman

    From: D A MacArthur and C H Nimitz

    Wilco Sir, but both Chester and I are somewhat confused, exactly what does the term politically correct mean?



    (4) Washington, D C

    2120-September 1, 1945

    To: D A MacArthur/C H Nimitz

    From: H S Truman

    Political Correctness is a doctrine, recently fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and promoted by a sick mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shit by the clean end!



    Now, with special thanks to the Truman Museum and Harry himself, you and I finally have a full understanding of what 'POLITICAL CORRECTNESS' really means.....

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    I just finished watching Vaginas V.

    I've also seen Vaginas I, II, III, and IV.

    The whole box set basically.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Older Love Making

    A little riske' - caution !!



    Maude and Claude, both 81, lived in The Villages, in Florida.

    They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time

    that they enjoyed each others' company.



    After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude

    out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had

    a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town.

    Despite their ages, they ended up at his place for an after-dinner drink.



    Things continued along a natural course and with age being

    no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in

    the hay. As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments

    they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.....



    Claude was thinking: 'If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have

    been gentler.'

    Maude was thinking: 'If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have

    taken off my pantyhose.'
    I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

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    The other day I was having a heated discussion with a feminazi at work about sex and casual relationships ..

    She said " In this male dominated society if a woman sleeps with loads of men that makes her a slut, yet if you sleep with a load of women what does that make you"?.

    "A slut maker I guess."
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Got my wife a present for her birthday, when she opened it her face lit up.

    New fridge.
    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

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    Guy goes into a corner shop and asks for four toilet rolls.

    The shopkeeper offers him either 4 Brand name ones for $4.99 or 12 unbranded ones for the same price.

    The man asks why the cheaper ones have no name.

    "Ah" says the shopkeeper "they are having a competition to name them and the one with the best answer, gets a years supply free.

    Just come back in to the shop and give your answer and we log it with the company."

    A week goes by and the customer returns: I have a name for those unbranded toilet rolls.

    Certainly sir let me just log in and you can register the name. Right what was the name?

    John Wayne, says the customer.

    Why did you choose that name? says the shopkeeper.

    Well says the customer.

    It's Rough. Its Tough. And takes no Sh*t from anyone.

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    Bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman, "Which book has helped you most in your life?"
    The woman replied, "My husband's cheque book!!"

    ******

    A prospective husband in a book store "Do you have a book called 'Husband - the Master of the House?'"
    Sales girl: "Sir, fiction and comics are on the 1st floor!"

    ******

    Someone asked an old man: "Even after 70 years, you still call your wife - darling, honey, luv. What's the secret?"
    Old man: "I forgot her name and I'm scared to ask her."

    ******

    Pharmacist to customer: "Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription ...
    Simply showing marriage certificate and wife's picture is not enough !

    ******

    For MEN.....and WOMEN with a bit of humour ??
    A man was granted two wishes by God. He asked for the best drink & spend a night with the best woman ever. Next he got mineral water & Mother Teresa.

    ******

    There are 3 kinds of men in this world. Some remain single and make wonders happen. Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen. Rest get married and wonder what happened!

    ******

    Wives are magicians They can change anything into an argument.

    ******

    I once dated a witch – she put her hand on my thigh and I turned into a motel.

    ******

    Why do women live a Better, Longer & Peaceful Life, compared to men?
    A very INTELLIGENT student replied: "Because Women don't have a wife!"

    ******

    COOL MESSAGE BY A WIFE: Dear Mother-in-law, Don't teach me how to handle my children. I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement!!

    ******

    When a married man says, I WILL THINK ABOUT IT - what he really means is that he doesn't know his wife's opinion yet.

    ******

    A lady says to her doctor: "My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?"
    The doctor replies: "Give him an opportunity to speak when he's awake! "

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  • #7699
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    A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear
    very short skirts and thong panties.

    One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant
    and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

    Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has
    a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.

    The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin
    bread located on the very top shelf.

    The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an
    excellent view, just as he thought.

    When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two
    loaves.

    As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the
    other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of
    raisin bread.

    After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "Why
    the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"

    Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men
    standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the
    crowd.

    Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the
    elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"

    "No, but it's quiverin' a little."

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    LSemmens
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    Theresa May, Vladimir Putin & Barack Obama died and went to hell. While there, they saw a red phone and asked what the phone is for. The devil told them it was for calling back to Earth.

    Putin asked to call Russia. He talked 5 minutes. When he finished the devil said the cost is $1,000,000, so Putin wrote him a cheque.


    Next May called England & talked for 1/2 hour. When she finished the devil said “The cost is $6,000,000. She too wrote a cheque.



    Finally Obama got his turn and talked for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informed him that the cost is $5.00.



    When Putin heard this he went ballistic and asked the devil why Obama got to call USA so cheaply.



    The devil smiled and replied, "Since Trump took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."



    Last edited by lsemmens; 13-10-18 at 11:31 PM.
    I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

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