Yeahh....f*ck, me too mate.....drivin me crazy...............Originally Posted by Al Bundy
F#ck you Enf, I haven’t been able to get that tune out of my head for 2 days....
Oh, no comments in the joke thread......capiche?
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
For our good friends..........the vegans.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Found some more, seeing as its set in concrete in my head.....
♫When our habits are strange,
And our customs deranged,
That's our mores.♫
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♫When your horse chews dried grass,
And then begs for more, alas,
That's some more hay.♫
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♫When your boat comes home fine,
And you tie up her line,
That's a moor, eh?♫
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♫When you ace your last tests,
Like you did all the rest,
That's some more A's!♫
Deano is turning over in his grave.....
Cheers
Ted (Al)
THE WISE VET
The only cow in a small town in Scotland stopped giving milk.
The town folk found they could buy a cow in Wales quite cheaply.
They brought the cow from Wales and it was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed..
The people were very upset and decided to go the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.
If he approaches from the back, she moves forward, they said
When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.
If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,
"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Wales ?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Wales .
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow from Wales ?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye,
"My wife is from Wales."
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey.
He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year.
I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.
I know if you were here my troubles would be over.
I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like the old days.
Love, Papa
A few days later, he received a letter from his son
Dear Papa,
Don't dig up that garden.
That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.
They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now
That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Vinnie
Doesn't take long...
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
not too pc
Two indigenous Australians were driving their well used and abused old Ej
Holden wagon in the outback recently, when off in the distance they saw a
Police "booze bus".
Rather than trying to avoid it, the driver headed straight for it. As they
Pulled up, the driver wound his window down and said 'Gidday brudders! Two
Cold cans of Emu Export, tanks!'
The copper glared at him and said 'You must be drunk! Get out of the car and
Blow into this tube!'
The driver said 'Sorry boss, I can't blow in at dat fing, I gotta a letter
From me doctor in Alice Springs saying dat I'm asthmatic
And I'll pass out if I blow inta dat
The cop smirked and said 'OK, in that case, we require you to give us a
Blood sample.'
'Nah, nah sorry, boss,' replied the driver. 'Can't be doin' that eifer. Got
A letter from the Red Cross in Darwin sayin' that I'm a haemophiliac and I
Could bleed to deaf rel quick if I gave a blood sample. Nah, sorry, boss,
Can't do that!'
By now the copper was getting very irate so he demanded that the driver
Provide a urine sample for testing.
The driver shook his head and said
'Nah, sorry boss, can't do that eifer.'
The copper protested 'Surely you haven't got a letter for that as well!!!'
'Blood oath, mate!' says the driver,
'It's from Tony Abbott , the Once Prime Minister of this lovely Country of
Australia . He's apologised, and it says that you white fellas ARE NOT ALLOWED
TO TAKE THE PISS OUT US BLACK FELLA'S ANYMORE......
Walked out of McDonalds with my food order.
As I walked out the doors, there sits a dero on the ground.
He looks up at me and say's "I haven't eaten in three days".
I said, "fvck, I wish I had will power like that".......................
You can learn alot using Google, and the search button.....
I walked into the Doctors Surgery and he said to me, "Pick a star sign, any star sign."
"Capricorn." I replied.
"Yeah yeah, right," he tutted. "As if I'm about to tell you that you have Capricorn. Try again."
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Subject: Fwd: Fw: ABDULLAH IN THE NURSING HOME
An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather Abdullah in a
nursing home. All the Arab facilities were completely full, so they had to
put him in an Italian home.
After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa.
" How do you like it here?" asked the grandson.
"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," said grandpa.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for
you since you are a little different from everyone."
"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents,"
Abdullah said with a big smile.
"There's a musician here; he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin
in 20 years and everyone still calls him Maestro!
There is a judge in here; he's 95 year old. He hasn't been on the bench
in 30 years and everyone still calls him Your Honour.
There's a dentist here; 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years
and everyone still calls him Doctor!
And me? I haven't had sex for 35 years, and they still call me The
####ing Arab.
Back on January 9th, a group of Sydney bikers were riding west over the bridge when they saw a girl about to
jump off the Sydney harbour bridge so they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the
police who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity
either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep,
lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers,
and even the cops, and then says,
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts.
You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed...!!
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Southern USA`s comedian Jeff Foxworthy`s rendition .....
" Have you ever wondered why it's OK to make jokes about Catholics, Jews, Christians, the Pope, the Irish, the Italians, the Polish, the Hungarians, the Chinese, the French (including French Canadians), the elderly, bad golfers, men/women, blacks/whites, etc.… but its insensitive to make jokes about the Muslims?
Well, it's time to level the playing field & be politically
incorrect, by including our friends, the Muslims, on this grandiose list "
1. If you grow & refine heroin for a living, but morally object to the use of liquor, You may be a Muslim.
2. If you own a $3,000 machine gun & a $5,000 rocket launcher, but can't afford shoes, You may be a Muslim.
3. If you have more wives than teeth, You may be a Muslim.
4. If you wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon to be unclean, You may be a Muslim.
5. If you think vests come in two styles, Bullet-proof & Suicide varieties, You may be a Muslim.
6. If you can't think of anyone that you haven't declared Jihad against, You may be a Muslim.
7. If you consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing, You may be a Muslim.
8. If you were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses, other than setting off roadside bombs, You may be a Muslim.
9. If you have nothing against women & think every man should own at least four, then you, too, may be a Muslim.
10. If you find this offensive & do not forward it, you are part of the problem … but if you delete this, you are most likely a Muslim.
The Great Australian Drover making a purchase at the local 7-Eleven Store
Drover: "Give me three packets of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Drover: "Turn it up.... She ain't that ugly."
A family walks into a hotel and the father goes to the front desk and says "I hope the porn is disabled."
The guy at the desk replies. "It's just regular porn you sick f@ck."
If u want to go on an expedition get a Land Rover, if u want to come home from an expedition get a Landcruiser!
If you had to choose between a wonderful wife and a wonderful car, would you pick petrol or diesel?
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
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