"DRINKING & GOLF"
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a hot shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?"
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf."
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
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Last edited by hinekadon; 04-12-18 at 02:55 PM. Reason: photo jpg wont load
A Christmas Story
'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks. I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!
I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the ATO sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?
And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!
Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.
There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season
What smokes and has two eyes?
Pompeii
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
"What shall we get Dad for Christmas?"
"How about some cut glass tumblers?"
"But he's a borderline alcoholic."
"Ok, how about some half-cut glass tumblers?"
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Two Aussie blokes were out shooting in the outback and came upon a huge hole in the ground.
They approached it and were amazed at its size.
The first said, "Wow, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."
The second said, "There's an old gear box over there. Let's throw it in and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
So, they picked up the gearbox, carried it over to the hole, counted one-two-three, and heaved it in.
As they were standing there looking over the edge of the hole, a goat come crashing through the underbrush, ran up to the hole and without hesitation, jumped in head first.
While they were standing there staring at each other in amazement, they peered into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about.
Just then an old farmer sauntered up. "Say, you blokes didn't happen to see my goat?"
The first bloke said, "Funny you should ask. We were just standing here a minute ago, and a goat came running out of the bushes doing about a hundred miles an hour and jumped head first into this here hole!"
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The old farmer said, "Nah mate, that's impossible!................... I had him chained to a gear box."
I started my new job today...
My boss handed me a fiver and said, "First things first, I need you to go down to the shops and buy me a glass hammer, a skirting board ladder and a bubble for a spirit level"...
I laughed and said, "Do you really think I'm that stupid"...?
He sniggered, "What do you mean"...?
I said, "That lot is going to cost more than a bleedin’ fiver"..
A long distance Truck driver who has been on the road for weeks walks into a brothel.
He walks up to the Madam and puts $100 on the desk and says "I want the ugliest woman you've got and a burnt cheese toasted sandwich".
The Madam replies "For that money you could have my prettiest girl and a 3 course meal!"
The driver says "I'm not horny, just homesick".
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for
his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she
lived in Scotland. Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after
careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the
right note... not too romantic and not too personal. Off he went with his
sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality
leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the
same time. Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the
two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.
Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the
following letter.
> Dear Maggie,
> I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go
out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen
the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to
remove). These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from
showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I
hardly noticed any marks. I had her try yours on for me and she looked
really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She
also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact
she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.
> I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many
other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
> When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because
they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
> Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
> I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
> All my love,
> Chris
> P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down
with a little bit of fur showing.
The police phoned me to tell me my wife was in hospital.
"How is she?" I asked.
"Very critical," replied the officer.
"Oh great. What's she complaining about now?" I said.
No dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. However, in a recent linguistic conference held in
London , England , and attended by some of the best linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clear winner.
His final challenge was this: "Some say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. Please explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand."
Here is his astute answer: "When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"
His answer was received with a standing ovation lasting over 5 minutes.
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