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Thread: The Joke thread - Some jokes may cause offense, read at your own risk

  1. #41
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    Default

    A TRUE QUEENSLANDER

    The General Managers of Cascade Brewery (Tasmania), Tooheys (New South Wales), XXXX (Queensland),
    CUB (Victoria) and Coopers (South Australia) were at a national beer conference.

    They decide to all go to lunch together and the waitress asks what they want to drink.

    The General Manager of Tooheys says without hesitation, "I'll have a Tooheys New."

    The General Manager of Cascade smiles and says, "I'll have a Cascade Draught, brewed from pure mountain water."

    The General Manager of Coopers proudly says, "I'll have a Coopers, the King of Beers."

    The bloke from Carlton says, "I'll have a Carlton Draught, the cleanest draught on the planet."

    The General Manager from XXXX glances at his lunch mates and says, "I'll have a Diet Coke."

    The others look at him like he has sprouted a new head.



    He just shrugs and says, "Well if you poofters aren't drinking beer, then neither will I."

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    Default Drovers

    DroversTwo Aussie cattle drovers standing in an Outback bar.

    One asked, "What are you up to, Mate?"

    Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie."

    "Oh yeah ... and what route are you takin'?"

    "Ah, probably the Missus; after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought."

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    Default Only an Aussie could pull this one off!

    From the state where drinking and driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from the Sunshine Coast, Queensland.
    Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a local neighbourhood tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

    The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

    He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.

    At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test.

    To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.

    The police officer said 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken.'

    'I doubt it, mate!' said the man, 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy'.

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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by MM_VCD View Post
    Lifesavers.
    Dude you didn't read post #28 did you.

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    Default Tour Guide

    An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top End. On their way to Kakadu he was describing the abilities of the Australian Aborigine to track man or beast over land, through the air, under the sea. The Americans were incredulous.

    Then later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and discovered, lying in the middle of the road, an Aborigine. He had one ear pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was held high in the air. The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine.

    “Jacky,” said the tour guide, “what are you tracking and what are you listening for?”

    The aborigine replied, “Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Valiant ute. It’s red. The left front tyre is bald. The front end is out of whack and it has dents in every panel. There are 9 fellows in the back, all drinking warm sherry. There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 6 dogs on the front seat.”

    The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge.

    “Goddammit man, how do you know all that?” asked one.

    The Aborigine replied, ”I fell out of the bloody thing about half an hour ago.”

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    Default Gross

    These 2 rabbit trappers had been around the traps and were busy gutting the rabbits, of which there were hundreds. One of the trappers announced that he had to go into the bush to drop a log. His mate said, “All right”, and continued to gut, flinging the rabbits’ entrails well out of the way so as to keep the work area comparatively clean.

    One set of entrails landed directly under the rabbiter as he answered the call of nature. He was gone a bit longer than usual and when he came out of the bush his face was deathly pale and he was barely able to walk. His mate said, “Strike me pink, sport, what’s wrong?”

    “You wouldn’t believe it,” said the sick and sorry rabbiter, “but I strained so hard that I passed some of my guts on the ground.”

    “Strewth”, said his mate, “we’ll have to get you to a doctor.”

    “No, I’ll be all right soon”, said the reeling rabbiter. “With the help of God and a little stick I got ‘em all back in again.”

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    Default Legendary yellow belly

    Bill, a blacktracker, never got along with his constable. He resented being called Abo, blackie or nigger. One day, while they were tracking a couple of drunks who’d escaped from the local lock-up, Bill spotted the legendary yellow-belly goanna.

    Legendary, because traditional belief holds that whoever catches this rare creature is granted three wishes. At the same time, twice as much of the same wish is granted to whomever you hate the most.

    So Bill caught the goanna and, twirling it round by the tail, wished aloud, “I want a big house.” Lo and behold, a big house appeared from nowhere along with two big houses for the constable.

    “Shit!” said the constable. “Girls, Billy, girls! Wish for some sheilas!”

    “Okay, okay”, said Bill. “I want a hundred beautiful girls”. Instantly, 100 pulchritudinous women appeared by Bill’s house and 200 beside the constable’s houses. Just as the constable was about to go rushing in the front door with some of his girls, Bill gave the goanna another twirl and whispered his third wish.

    “I want my sex urge reduced by 50 per cent”

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    Default Vegetable Garden

    Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen.

    Admiring her neighbour's garden, which had beautiful bright red tomatoes, she went one day and enquired of him his secret.

    "It's really quite simple," the old man explained. "Twice each day, in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment."

    Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants twice daily.

    Two weeks passed and her neighbour stopped by to check her progress. "So", he asked, "Any luck with your tomatoes?"

    "No", she replied excitedly, "But you should see the size of my cucumbers!"

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    Default Doggie Style

    So, these two guys are car pooling home from work one day. Traffic is barely crawling along and they are both a bit bored. So the driver is looking around and suddenly he points at two dogs having sex in someone's front lawn.

    "Look", he shouts, "What are the those dogs doing? Are they fighting?" The passenger, being a man of the world, replies, "They are having sex. Don't tell me that you have never had sex doggie style before?" The driver, a bit embarrassed, admits that he has never had sex doggie style. So the passenger says, "You have to try it. Its pretty cool. Here's what you do. Tonight when you get home, fix your wife a margarita and then suggest that you want to try this new sexual position." The driver thinks a bit and then decides he will give it a try.

    So the next morning, the two commuters are back in the car and the passenger asks, "Well. How did it go?" To which the driver replies, "It was great. But it took me 6 Margaritas just to get her on the front lawn."

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    Default Rules Men Wish Women Knew

    1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

    2. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down.

    3. Don't cut your hair, ever.

    4. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.

    5. Get rid of your cat.

    6. Sunday = Sports.

    7. Anything you wear is fine, really.

    8. Women wearing Wonder bras and low cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

    9. You have too many shoes.

    10. Crying is blackmail.

    11. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

    12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

    13. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult that peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

    14. Yes, and no are perfectly acceptable answers.

    15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

    16. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

    17. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

    18. If you don't dress like the Victoria Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

    19. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, then we meant the other one.

    20. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?

    21. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to appear.

    22. You can either ask us to do something OR tell how you want it done-not both.

    23. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

    24. You have enough clothes.

    25. Nothing says "I love you" like sex.

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    Default Vanishing cream

    During a dinner party, the hosts' two little children entered the dining room totally nude and walked slowly around the table.

    The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening.

    After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, "You see, it IS vanishing cream!"

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    Default Wife

    So the other night my wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we’re laying in bed. I looked over at her and, in my sexiest voice, asked her "Wanna have sex?"

    "No." She answered.

    I said, "Is that your final answer?"

    "Yes." She replied.

    So I said, "I’d like to phone a friend."

    That’s the last thing I remember…

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    Default Miscommunication

    A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blond wave at him and say's hello.

    He's rather taken a back, because he can't place where he knows her from, so he says "Do you know me?"

    To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

    Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I screwed on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt?"

    She said, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

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    Default Balance

    Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for Six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

    God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

    "It's a planet, replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance".

    "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

    God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.

    "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot."

    "Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people" God continued, pointing to different countries. "And over there, I call this place America.

    North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, and hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a Hot spot. Can you see the balance?"

    "Yes" said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to a smallish land mass and asked, "What's that one?"

    "Ah" said God. "That's New Zealand, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast line. The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super- human, undefeatable, strong in character citizens who will be admired and feared by all who come across them".

    Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then exclaimed, "You said there will be BALANCE!"

    God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the buggers I'm putting next to them"

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    Default Beer

    Three Aussie guys were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Kevin.

    Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

    As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

    Kevin says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

    Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.

    Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Kev?"

    "Steve's wife gave it to me,"

    Bruce replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"

    "Well not exactly," Kevin said. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'.

    She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'

    And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are'."

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    Default Cast away

    A bloke is marooned on a desert island. But he survives as there are plenty of coconuts and fresh water. Months pass and he sees a ripple about a hundred yards off shore. It keeps getting closer and closer until, at last, a tall blonde in full diving gear appears.

    “You poor man”, she says. “How long have you been here?”

    He replies that he’s lost all track of time and doesn’t know. What he knows is that he’s dying for a fag.

    “No trouble she says, unzipping a pocket on the arm of her wetsuit and pulling out a packet of Winnies and a lighter.

    Puffing happily, the bloke says he’s in seventh heaven and she asks him if he’d like a beer.

    “Would I!” So she unzips the other pocket and pulls out a can of VB.

    With a fag in one hand and a beer in the other, the bloke reckons he’s got it made. Then the blonde starts to unzip the front of her wetsuit.

    “Having been here all this time,” she says, “I guess you’d like to play around.”

    And the bloke says, “How on earth did you fit a set of golf clubs down there?”

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    Default Onions

    The little country store had sawdust on the floor and smelt of freshly ground coffee. The scrubbed pine counter contained jars of boiled lollies, boxes of beeswax candles and a shiny bacon slicer. It was the middle of World War II and there was a shortage of commodities. So you had to have your ration coupons.

    A domineering local woman walked into the store and began placing an order with the shop assistant. “I would like three pounds of butter, a bottle of kerosene, four pound of potatoes and two pounds of brown Spanish onions – to be delivered by lunchtime.”

    The assistant wrote the order in the book but, on reaching the last item, said, “I’m very sorry, ma’am, but we have no brown Spanish onions, for the time being.”

    “Course, you have,” said the woman glaring indignantly. “I know you keep some under the counter for favoured customers. I insist on having some of those.”

    The stand-off continued until the manager made an appearance. “Good morning, madam. What seems to be the trouble?”

    “I have asked for brown Spanish onions and have been told there are none. But I know you keep some for special customers and would like some. If you please!”

    “Madam,” said the manager, “You are an intelligent woman. May I ask you a few simple questions?”

    “Certainly”

    “Take the word PARSNIP, madam. Without the ‘p’ and the ‘nip’, what have we left?”

    The lady replied, “ARS.”

    “Yes,” said the manager. “Now, without the first four letters of the word BEETROOT, what remains?”

    “ROOT, of course.”

    “Very good,” said the manager. “Now, onto the final question. Take the FUGG out of ONIONS and what do we have?”

    The woman frowned at him and said, “But there is no FUGG in ONIONS.”

    “Quite right,” said the manager. “That’s what we’ve been trying to tell you for the last ten minutes.”

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    Default Irishman in Oz

    An Irishman arrived in Australia and went into a pub in the Outback where he asked for a glass and, having pissed into it, drank it. He then walked out the door, into the chook house and proceeded to knock the hens off their perches prior to going to the paddock, where he lifted the tail of a cow and put his ear to its anus. When he returned to the bar a few minutes later, the publican asked him to explain his strange conduct.

    “Before I left Dublin,” he said, “I met an Aussie who said there are 3 things I had to do to be a real Australian. Drink the piss. Knock off the birds. And listen to the bullshit.”

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    Default Five Dollars

    One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got five
    dollars!" The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five
    dollars from.
    The little girl replied: ''Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for
    doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree.
    The mother told her daughter: "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see
    your panties."
    ''OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl.
    The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I
    got ten dollars. The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?"
    The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing
    a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed."
    The mother replied: "Didn't I tell you that he is...''
    Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mommy! I tricked
    him, I didn't wear any panties today.''

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    Default Teenagers

    "Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate my 13 year-old son." "OK: He's most likely
    suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder,
    punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full
    recovery." "How can you say all that without even meeting him?" "I thought you
    said he's 13?"

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