Thread: The Joke thread - Some jokes may offend, read at own risk. Jokes only, no comments.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    A kung fu student asks: “Master, why does my ability not improve? I’m always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, “My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?” “Yes, my master, I have.”
    “And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?” “Yes, my master, I have witnessed it.”
    “And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?” “Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon.”
    “That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training.”

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    whiteboards are remarkable

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Quote Originally Posted by hazman View Post
    We were camping at a popular spot in the Territory many moons back, We caught one of our fellow campers as he was exiting the "Long Drop" with his scuba gear! Yep! It was RIIIPE!
    I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

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    The wife found out about my affair.

    "How could you do it to me?" she sobbed.

    "I couldn't," I replied. "That's why I had the affair."
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    An Indian, a Maori, a Muslim and an Australian were walking along an Australian beach
    when the Maori stumbled over a bottle in the sand.

    He picked up the bottle, rubbed the sand off it, and a Genie appeared.
    "I can only grant four wishes" the Genie said. "Since there are four of you, you may have
    one wish apiece!"

    Pointing to the Maori, he said, "Since you found the bottle, you may have the first wish."
    The Maori thought for a moment, then said, "I wish for a fleet of ships so that I can
    gather all my people and take them back to our homeland of Aotearoa"
    Poof! It was done! Thousands of ships appeared on the skyline

    The Indian said, "I wish for enough aircraft to take all fellow Indians back to our homeland!"
    Poof! It was done! Row after row of aircraft filled the sky.
    The Muslim said, "I wish for a hundred thousand camels to take all of my people away
    from this horrible country infested with infidels so we can
    live in peace in Muslim countries and serve the Prophet Allah."

    Poof! It was done! A hundred thousand camels suddenly appeared on the beach.
    Turning to the Australian, the Genie asked, "And what is your wish ?"
    The Aussie watched as the loaded aircraft began moving toward the runway, then looked
    out to sea and watched the loaded ships sailing out into the sunset, then he looked at all of
    the Muslims getting on top of the camels and riding off.

    He said, "Look mate, just give me a cold beer. It really doesn't get any
    better than this!"

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    How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

    A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter

    What are you doing?, she asked.

    Hunting Flies, he responded.

    Oh. ! Killing any?, she asked.

    Yep, 3 males, 2 Females, he replied.

    Intrigued, she asked.

    How can you tell them apart?

    He responded,

    3 were on a beer can,

    2 were on the phone.

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    Secret tip for women drivers.

    Fool people into believing that you can actually drive safely by using the indicators when you change lanes.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    I was astounded to read that only 7 people died in the US during the -42 degree cold spell.

    Then it all made sense. Apparently guns don't work at those temperatures.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    A crusty old Ozzie Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

    There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

    "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

    "Negative, miss. Just serious by nature."

    The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

    "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

    The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

    The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

    Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

    "1954, ma'am."

    "Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1954! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

    Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1954."



    The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    The warming hoax, not sure if this should be in the jokes section................


    The Arctic Ocean is warming up, icebergs are growing scarcer and in some places, the seals are finding the water too hot, according to a report to the Commerce Department yesterday from the Consulate at Bergen Norway.


    Reports from fishermen, seal hunters and explorers all point to a radical change in climate conditions and hitherto unheard-of temperatures in the Arctic zone.


    Exploration expeditions report that scarcely any ice has been met as far north as 81 degrees 29 minutes.


    Soundings to a depth of 3,100 meters showed the gulf stream still very warm.


    Great masses of ice have been replaced by moraines of earth and stones, the report continued, while at many points well known glaciers have entirely disappeared.


    Very few seals and no white fish are found in the eastern Arctic, while vast shoals of herring and smelts which have never before ventured so far north, are being encountered in the old seal fishing grounds.


    Within a few years it is predicted that due to the ice melt the sea will rise and make most coast cities uninhabitable.

    * * ** * * * * *

    I must apologize. I neglected to mention.

    This report was from November 2, 1922, as reported and published in The Washington Post 95 years ago.

    This must have been caused by the Model T Ford's emissions or possibly from horse and cattle flatulence.

    Not to mention that this was the middle of a major industrial revolution following a catastrophic World War One where the atmosphere was chocked with the smell of Gun Powder.

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