Thread: The Joke thread - Some jokes may offend, read at own risk. Jokes only, no comments.

  1. #8021
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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Every time the wife complains about my lame puns, I spike her food and trigger her food intolerance.

    It's hilarious. She's such a gluten for punishment.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    A STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% IN AN EXAM.

    BUT I would have given him 100%! Each answer is correct, grammatically correct, and funny too.

    The teacher had no sense of humour.



    Q1.. In which battle did Napoleon die?

    *His last battle


    Q2.. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

    *At the bottom of the page



    Q3.. River Ravi flows in which state?

    *Liquid



    ‎Q4..What is the main reason for divorce?

    *Marriage



    Q5.. What is the main reason for failure?

    *Exams



    Q6.. What can you never eat for breakfast?

    *Lunch & dinner



    Q7.. What looks like half an apple?

    *The other half



    Q8.. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea, what will it become?

    *Wet



    Q9.. How can a man go eight days without sleeping?

    *No problem, he sleeps at night.



    Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?

    *You will never find an elephant that has one hand.



    Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?
    *Very large hands



    Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?

    *No time at all, the wall is already built.



    Q13. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?

    *Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

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    Especially for OB........

    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    So, Youtube have been asked to remove all content pertaining to self harm/suicide.

    Yeah? Perhaps they should start with those tedious adverts that slowly sap your f*cking will to live.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Quote Originally Posted by alpha0ne View Post
    The warming hoax, not sure if this should be in the jokes section................


    The Arctic Ocean is warming up, icebergs are growing scarcer and in some places, the seals are finding the water too hot, according to a report to the Commerce Department yesterday from the Consulate at Bergen Norway.


    Reports from fishermen, seal hunters and explorers all point to a radical change in climate conditions and hitherto unheard-of temperatures in the Arctic zone.


    Exploration expeditions report that scarcely any ice has been met as far north as 81 degrees 29 minutes.


    Soundings to a depth of 3,100 meters showed the gulf stream still very warm.


    Great masses of ice have been replaced by moraines of earth and stones, the report continued, while at many points well known glaciers have entirely disappeared.


    Very few seals and no white fish are found in the eastern Arctic, while vast shoals of herring and smelts which have never before ventured so far north, are being encountered in the old seal fishing grounds.


    Within a few years it is predicted that due to the ice melt the sea will rise and make most coast cities uninhabitable.

    * * ** * * * * *

    I must apologize. I neglected to mention.

    This report was from November 2, 1922, as reported and published in The Washington Post 95 years ago.

    This must have been caused by the Model T Ford's emissions or possibly from horse and cattle flatulence.

    Not to mention that this was the middle of a major industrial revolution following a catastrophic World War One where the atmosphere was chocked with the smell of Gun Powder.
    Actually true according to Snopes, I know I’m not supposed to comment in joke section, but...

    Cheers
    Ted (Al)

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    Bruce the Aussie builder was going through a house he had just built for the woman who owned it.
    She was telling him what colour to paint each room.
    They went into the first room and she said "I want this room to be painted a light blue."

    The builder went to the front door and yelled, "GREEN SIDE UP!"
    When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be bright red.
    The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"

    When he came back, the woman said
    "I keep telling you colours, but you go out the front and yell 'green side up' - what is that for?"

    The builder said,

    "Don't worry about that, I've just got a couple of Kiwis laying the turf out front."

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    This should be in a serious thread but
    HA! HA! HA!

    I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

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    "Several days ago as I left the Bunnings in Brisbane, to walk out to my ute and was reaching into my pocket from my car keys... got that sick feeling when I didn't find them there. I desperately gave myself a personal pat down, other pockets, shirt pocket, not there. Turned around real fast and trotted back into Bunnings . I did a quick search in the seats where I had been sitting, nothing. I asked everybody if they had seen my keys... nope. Then it hit me, I must have left them in the ute. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot outside Bunnings.

    My wife, Faye has scolded me a thousand times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen if I do that. As I burst through the doors of Bunnings and out into the parking lot, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty, no ute

    I immediately call the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the ute, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all.

    "Honey," I stammered. I always call her honey in times like these. "I left my keys in the ute, and it has been stolen."

    There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard Faye's voice.

    "Kris," she barked, "I dropped you off at Bunnings on my way to the grocery store!"

    Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, would you come and get me?"

    Faye retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince these coppers I have not stolen your f**king ute!!"

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    "Where have you been?"

    "I got my hair cut."

    "But you're on company time."

    "It grows on company time doesn't it?"
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the river.

    The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids - I just don't get it.'

    'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

    'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

    'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

    'On the other side of the river near the Parliament car park in Canberra.

    'Same here. Hmm.....How do you catch them?' asked the big Croc.

    'Well, I crawl up under one of their big Lexus, BMW or Mercedes cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!'

    'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment.

    See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing much left but an arsehole with a briefcase.

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    Again

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    The wife mentioned that she hoped that we were going to do something special on Valentines day.

    I said "umm, I'm working on it!"

    She smiled. Which I thought was a little odd seeing that I was afraid she'd be upset that I had to work on Valentines day. Sigh............Women!
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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