Scott Morison was asleep and dreamt he was visited by Menzies' ghost.
He said, "Bob, how can I make this country a better place ?"
Sir Robert said, "Love the Japanese steel producers as I did."
Morison went back to sleep and dreamed of John Howard.
He asked in his sleep, "John, how can I make this country a better place ?"
John answered, "Be honest with the people as I was."
Again Morison fell asleep and was visited by Harold Holt's ghost.
"Harold, how can I make this country a better place ?"
Harold replied, "Go for a swim !!"
I know, I know, no comments but guys the same jokes again and again.
An Indian airstrike has said to have killed over a 200 Pakistanis.
An Indian spokesman commented, "If they don't return our pilot, we'll hit another house tomorrow."
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
I recently decided to become more PC in my life, by discarding all my long-held stereotypes, generalizations, prejudices and bigoted views about race, gender, religion, politics and more.
Makes sense, because if you think about it, you can't really trust something that only has a 99% accuracy rate...
Last edited by irritant; 01-03-19 at 05:36 PM.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble..
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving with $600, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word. Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'
The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'
The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.
She'll read it very slowly.. 'com-for-da-bul.'
12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on TV and Radio
1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator –
'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'
2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator –
'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'
3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator –
'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria .. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'
4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 –
'Ah, isn't that nice.. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew..'
5. US PGA Commentator –
'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ........
Oh my god !! What have I just said??'
6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said:
'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'
7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked,
'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'
9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '
10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'
11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'
12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'
Women love a successful man who is brimming with confidence.
Because without that, what is there to destroy?
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
It doesn't matter what party you belong to, this is good natured political humor from a Canadian TV show, where a black comedian said he misses Bill Clinton ...
"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton!"
He was the closest thing we ever got to having a real black man as President.
He plays the saxophone.
He smoked weed.
He had his way with ugly white women.
"Even now? Look at him ... his wife works, and he doesn't!
And, he gets a check from the government every month.
"Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations' distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.
"Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada.
"When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never had one."
The Clinton revised judicial oath:
"I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."
"Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to have sex in the Oval Office between the Bushes.
"It's just been announced by Dell that a new computer will be introduced to the market in the near future. It's the Bill Clinton model featuring a 6 inch hard-drive and no memory."
I've never seen a more misogynistic, transphobic, racist, bigoted book in my life.
I can't believe it. Man and men appear several hundred pages before woman and women.
F*ck you, dictionary!
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Teacher: "Children, tomorrow I would like you to give me an example of a development that is currently being built near your home and what are the advantages of this new development. At the end of the class, the teacher asks that all the little girls remain behind for 5 minutes.
Teacher: "Young ladies, I have received numerous complaints from your parents concerning Little Johnny's' crude remarks. It is very likely that tomorrow he is going to say something dirty and that is why I am asking you all, to avoid any further problems - that if he says anything that appears rude, I would like you all to get up and leave the classroom."
Everybody agreed to this plan. Next day:
Teacher: "Is everybody ready with their assignment? Go ahead Anita."
Anita: "Near my home, a supermarket is being built. Now my mommy doesn't have to walk so far to get bread and milk."
Teacher: "Very good Anita! Yes - Suzie!"
Suzie: "Near my home, they are building a furniture factory. My daddy is a carpenter and this allows him to work near home."
Teacher: "Excellent, thank-you Suzie!"
At this point, little Johnny's hand shoots up and the Teacher asks: "Johnny, tell me, what new development is being built near your home?"
Little Johnny: "Near my home, they are building a brothel."
All the young ladies get up and proceed to leave.
Little Johnny says: "Hey, relax girls... it hasn't opened yet!"
The food has showed a marked improvement since I informed the wife that the smoke alarm isn't a timer.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
A bunch of typical Aussie guys is sitting around a BBQ having a few beers.
There is a dog that happens to be in the middle of the men and it is licking its balls.
One of the men is looking and says wistfully, "Jeez, I wish I could do that."
The owner of the dog thinks for a few seconds then says,
"Ahh.... you better give it a pat first".
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