Thread: The Joke thread - Some jokes may offend, read at own risk. Jokes only, no comments.

  1. #8121
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    My old Man used to say "It's all about the journey, not the destination". Lovely man, crap ambulance driver.
    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    "Lexophile" describes those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or

    '"To write with a broken pencil is pointless."

    An annual competition is held by the New York Times to see who can create the best original lexophile.

    This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.


    No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

    If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

    I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.

    I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

    Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

    When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

    When chemists die, they barium.

    I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

    I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

    England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

    Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

    This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore

    I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

    A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

    When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

    I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.

    A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

    A will is a dead giveaway.

    With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

    Police were summoned to a daycare centre where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

    Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

    A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

    The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.

    He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.

    When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

    Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

    Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    HOME SECURITY FOR SENIORS!!!



    Now that I'm old and slow and on a fixed income, I've disconnected my home alarm system. I also decided to turn off my external lights and resigned from Neighbourhood Watch. To save money I've raised 2 Pakistani flags in my front garden, one at each corner and have the black flag of ISIS in the centre. It’s so good now, my neighbours, Local Police, the Federal Police and the Armed Forces are all keeping watch on the house 24/7. In addition, I am followed & watched everywhere I go. I've never felt safer, and I'm saving $149.50 a month!

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    Female drivers......the reason you can't help looking both ways when you cross a one way street.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    There IS such a thing as life after death.

    It's called divorce.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    The other night whilst having sex with the wife I told her to moan a bit because it would be hot and a huge turn-on.

    She replies "Your Viagra's not working, the ceiling needs painting, and when are you ever planning to put those f*cking shelves up in the bathroom?"

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    Harvey, an old sailor which was notorious for liking his drink and women, decided to make a turn at the docks to see if he could find "a proposition" for the evening.

    Sure enough, he runs into one of his regulars, Meryl, and they get down to business behind a container.

    Not long into it, he decides to ask her: "How am I doing there me lady?"

    To which she replies: "Oh Harvey, ye old sailor, yer doing about three knots."

    "Three knots?" He asks, "What ya mean three knots me lady?"

    "You're not in, you're not hard and you're not getting your money back."

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    If you ever feel powerless, just remember that a single one of your pubic hairs can shut down an entire restaurant.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    At the Saturday morning service, the rabbi announced that he was planning to leave for a larger congregation that would pay him more.

    There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.

    Fred Shapiro, who owns several car dealerships in Venice and Sarasota, stands up and proclaims: "If the Rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!”

    The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

    Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says; "If the rabbi will stay on here, I’ll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for his children!"

    More sighs and loud applause.

    Estelle Rubin, age 88, stands and announces with a smile: "If the Rabbi stays, I will give him sex."

    There is total silence.

    The rabbi, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Rubin, you’re a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?”

    Estelle’s 90-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:




    "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help and he said: '#### him.'

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    Default South Africa electricity crisis

    Even the Titanic's lights were on when it sank...

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