The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Recently seen on a lost pet sign:
MISSING DOG
18 year old grey-coloured bull-terrier, but originally white and black (skin is covered in mange).
Only has one eye (other eye was gouged out by the village idiot 10 years ago).
Only half of one ear left (the rest was mauled by a rottweiler).
Only has three legs (lost one after being run over by a drunk driver).
Responds to the name LUCKY.
Last edited by irritant; 27-03-19 at 05:40 AM.
NASA has scrapped plans for the first all female space walk due to an issue with the space suits.
Presumably the female astronauts wouldn't be seen dead in the same outfit.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
A Greens Politician, an ABC TV Reporter and an Australian SAS Soldier were captured by ISIS.
They were, as usual, sentenced to Death by Beheading.
Unexpectedly, the ISIS Leader said they could each have One Last Request before Sentence was carried out..??
The Greens Politician asked that he could hug a tree.
The ABC TV Reporter asked that the beheading be televised live on The Drum so that even when she was dead, her face would still be on TV and that the panel could discuss how multicultural she was.
The Australian SAS soldier asked to be kicked in the balls three times very hard.
As the SAS soldiers’ was such an unusual request ISIS decided to carry his request out first.
And as the last kick landed, the SAS soldier pulled a hidden 9 mm pistol out of his sock and shot three terrorists dead, grabbed one of their fallen AK47s and shot the rest of them.
The other prisoners were amazed, and asked why he requested to be KICKED three times before drawing his weapon..???
"Because", said the SAS soldier,
“When we get back to Australia I don’t want you pair of politically correct idiots and Waleed Ali saying it was an "Unprovoked attack and a sad day for Islam”.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
A Golf story.....
A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to hospital.
Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.
"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!
"Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what is the good news?"
"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it’s a woman's arm and I’ll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."
"Go for it doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again."
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.
"Hi, how’s the new arm?" asks the surgeon.
"Just great," says the businessman. "I’m playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."
"That’s great," said the surgeon.
"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I’ve learned how to sew my own clothes and I’ve even taken up painting landscapes in watercolours.
"That’s unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I’m so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"
"Well, just two”, said the golfer, "I have trouble parallel parking and every time I get an erection, I get a headache."
I was having a beer in the pub with Paddy when my brother and his boss came in for a quick one .
I said "you two shouldn't be drinking on the job isn't that dangerous?" .
Paddy asked "why what do they do?"
I said "they're tree surgeons"
Paddy said fvck all for a while and then said confused "but there's only two of them?"
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
A drunk man who smelled of gin sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living being with cheap, wicked women,
Too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned”, then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
A mum is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
"Mummy," the little girl asks, "how old are ?"
The mother looks over at the little girl, "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age, it isn't polite." the mother warns,
"Ok," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really, the mother says, "these are personal questions & really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you & daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My mum wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well" said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It is like a report card it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32." The mother is surprised & asks "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprise & shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?"
The little girl continues on triumphantly, "And ...... I know why you & daddy got divorced." "Oh really?", the mother asks, "why is that?"
To which the little girl replies 'Because you got an F in sex."
Last edited by lsemmens; 31-03-19 at 03:27 PM.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
Old Couple Playing Fart Football
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man breaks wind and says, ‘Goal.’
His wife rolls over and says, ‘What in the world was that?’
The old man replied, ‘its fart football.’
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, ‘One each, tie score”….’
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, ‘Aha. I’m ahead 2 to 1.’
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, ‘2- 2, tie score.’
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, ‘ I lead 3 to 2.’ Now the pressure is on the old man
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he’s got, and accidentally sh1ts in the bed.
The wife says, ‘What the hell was that?’
The old man says, ‘Half time, switch sides.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
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