Thread: The Joke thread - Some jokes may offend, read at own risk. Jokes only, no comments.

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    Ok then.....

    If u want to go on an expedition get a Land Rover, if u want to come home from an expedition get a Landcruiser!

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    Paddy goes into the pub toilet and stands next to a black guy. He glances over and sees this massive 12" cock.

    "Bejaisus, I'd like to have one like that".

    "It's easy man, just tie a bit of string to it attached to a brick. In a week or two, you'll see the difference."

    A couple of weeks later, he sees Paddy in the street and asks him how the treatment is going.

    Paddy is grimacing in pain with tears running down his cheeks and replies, "It's tough but it's working well. It's already turned black".
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Catholic Church’s Archdiocesan Youth Commission

    If u want to go on an expedition get a Land Rover, if u want to come home from an expedition get a Landcruiser!

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    Hey George

    If u want to go on an expedition get a Land Rover, if u want to come home from an expedition get a Landcruiser!

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    Brazilian Institute for Oriental Studies

    If u want to go on an expedition get a Land Rover, if u want to come home from an expedition get a Landcruiser!

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    Camping....

    If u want to go on an expedition get a Land Rover, if u want to come home from an expedition get a Landcruiser!

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    A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started." Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster." Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling that rooster." He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............






    "Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

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    The Flight Crew

    The airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc .

    Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."

    Ed sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?"

    When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"




    "Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."

    "My God," said Ed, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don 't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit."

    "That's another thing sir," said the attendant, "We No Longer Call It The Cock Pit."



    It’s “THE BOX OFFICE”!

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    A Sydney man took his neighbor to court suing for damages. The complaint was that the neighbor's chihuahua had killed the man's doberman.
    The judge said, "That's ridiculous, how could a tiny chihuahua kill a great big doberman?"
    The man replied, "It got stuck in his throat".

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    On flight to Perth there was this annoying little fat kid running up and down the aisles out of control. In the end he was trying to open the emergency door. He actually had both feet on the door desperately trying to wrench the handle across.

    Making sure my seat belt was firmly buckled, I called the hostess over and said "shouldn't you be stopping that bloody kid from doing that?"

    She laughed and said " It's ok...... dont worry. You can unbuckle your seat belt because he wont get it open, not while we are in the air"

    "A f*cking shame, I was hoping he would."
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    What is the difference between a politician & a flying pig?


    The letter f

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    Low Battery: A married man saved his girlfriend's phone number on his mobile as 'Low Battery'. Whenever she calls him in his absence, his wife takes the phone and plugs it into the charger. Give that man a medal.
    ~~~~~


    Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them. They said it would be just like winning Lotto! I agreed, and they were right.

    We all stripped off, and to my horror, we had six matching balls!


    ~~~~~


    Happy Anniversary: Just booked a table for our wedding anniversary for me and the wife.


    Bound to end in tears though....................she's lousy at snooker!


    ~~~~~


    Got a new Jack Russell pup today. He's mainly black and brown with just a small white area. I've called him 'England'.


    ~~~~~
    If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's spam.
    ~~~~~


    They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift his beer belly.


    ~~~~~
    Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Woollies. Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.
    ~~~~~
    63 Pakistanis died on Christmas Island this morning. It was not a terrorist attack. A bunk bed in the detention centre collapsed. The police are blaming AL IKEA .
    ~~~~~


    Scientists have revealed today that they have found a new drug for depressed lesbians..........................It's called Trycoxagain.

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