Vegans make me sick! I'm cooking them wrong I guess....
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Six dwarves tried to mug me early this morning.
Not happy.
might work.
I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people but non of them work.
"Everybody's a gangster until they get punched in the mouth." - Mike Tyson
And after that, everybody's a gangthter.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, a woman sitting next to him pulled out her mobile phone.
She started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train".
"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting.
No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss.
No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"....................
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.
When the man sitting next to her has had enough, he leans over and says into her phone..............
"Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Oz Newspaper Predictions for 2030
HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2030
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Little India, formerly knownas Australia.
Tasmania executes last remaining Greenie.
White minorities still trying to have English recognised as Australia's third language.
Children from 2 parent heterosexual families bullied in schools for being 'different'. Tolerance urged.
Gay Marriages now overtake heterosexual marriages as preferred 'lifestyle' choice.
Kookaburra and platypus plague threatens North Western Australia crops and livestock.
Melbourneschoolgirl expelled for not wearing burqa: Being a Christian is no excuse says school. Sharia law must be enforced.
Japan announces that they will no longer consume whale meat as whales are now extinct and the scientific research fleet are unemployed. Australian Government have told the Japanese that cane toads taste like whale meat.
Australianow has 10 Universities of PoliticalCorrectness. Professor Goldman of ANU says there is still a long way to go in the fight tostop people saying what they think.
Australian Deficit $10 trillion dollars and rising. Government declares return to surplus in 100 years which is 300 years ahead of time. Prime Minister Mohammed Youssef claims increased growth through more immigrationsecret to success.
Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.
Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
France pleads for global help after being taken over by Islamiccountries. No other country volunteers to come forward to help the beleaguered nation!
Castro finally dies at age 130. Cuban cigars can now be imported legally into the USA, but US President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
Jose Manuel Rodriguez Bush says he will run for second term as US President in 2032.
Australia Post raises price of stamps to $18 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
After a 10-year, $75.8 billion study: Scientists prove diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
Average weight of an Australian drops to 115 kgs.
Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Vicindia and New South India.
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with hermouth shut.
Senate still blocking drilling in Canberra even though gas is selling for 5,000 Rupees per litre and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights. Victims to be held partly responsible for crime.
Average height of professional basketball players is now nine feet, seveninches.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2035 as lethal weapons.
Australian Tax Office sets lowest tax rate at 75%.
Richmond Tigers won this year’s National Footy final beating the Hindu Hornets 20-11 to 13-18.
South Asia (formerly Northern Territory) voters still having trouble withvoting machines.
I Love This Country!
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
To all the school kids who went on 'strike' for climate change..
You are the first generation who have required air-conditioning in every classroom. You want TV in every room and your classes are all computerised. You spend all day and night on electronic devices. More than ever, you don't walk or ride bikes to school but arrive in caravans of private cars that choke suburban roads and worsen rush hour traffic.
You are the biggest consumers of manufactured goods ever and replace perfectly good expensive luxury items to stay trendy. Your scooters and skateboards are increasingly... electric!
Furthermore, the people driving your protests are the same people who insist on artificially inflating the population growth through immigration which increases the need for energy, manufacturing and transport.
The more people we have, the more forest and bushland we clear and more of the environment is destroyed.
How about this... tell your teachers to switch off the air-con. Walk or ride to school. Switch off your devices and read a book. Make a sandwich instead of buying manufactured goods.
No, none of this will happen because you are uneducated, selfish, virtue signalling little turds inspired by the adults around you who crave a feeling of having a "noble cause" while they indulge themselves in Western luxury and unprecedented quality of life.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm.
It was a disaster!..................
Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.
I shouted - "Where you off to Charlie?"
He said, "I'm off to change a light bulb."
Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing, then said,
"That's gonna be a bit awkward in it?"
"Not really." he said. "I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard."
________________________________________
Went out last night and got really wasted.
I woke up this morning next to a fat old bird who was snoring ..
So, at least I got home OK.
________________________________________
Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?
"No, just here for a few days."
________________________________________
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer's funeral,
a voice from inside screams:
"I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters,
"Too late, mate, the paperwork's already done."
________________________________________
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.
Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
________________________________________
After both suffering from depression for a while,
me and the missus were going to commit suicide together yesterday.
Strangely enough, however, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better.
So I thought - sod it, I'll soldier on.
________________________________________
I woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something was wrong.
I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor,
not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do.
Then I remembered “ the local cafe serve breakfast until 11.30.
________________________________________
"Jesus Loves You."
Nice to hear in church but not in a Mexican prison.
________________________________________
Got caught having a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.
________________________________________
I woke to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed
a burglar sneaking through next door's garden.
Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked
him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly.
He then began to dig a grave with the shovel.
Astonished, I got back into bed.
My wife said "Darling, you're shaking, what is it?"
"You'll never believe what I've just seen!"
I said, "That tosser next door has still got my bloody shovel."
________________________________________
A man is seeking to join the Glasgow Police force.
The Sergeant doing the interview says:
"Your qualifications all look good,
but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says:
"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants,
six drug dealers, six extremists, and a rabbit"
The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?"
"Excellent" says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
I started chatting up a girl in the pub last night. I used the old, “Your place or mine?” line.
Her.. “Listen creep, I wouldn’t sleep with you if we were the last two people on Earth.”
Me... “If we were the last people on Earth, you’d have no say in the matter.”
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
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