The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
A suicide bomber died and went to Paradise, as foretold. When he arrived there he said to Allah that he was ready to claim his 72 virgins, as promised. Out of curiosity he asked Allah why there were so many virgins in heaven.
Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied,
"Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because people like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty. I shall banish you from Paradise should you fail!”
The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"
Allah replied, "Who told you they were women?
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
The foreman of an Irish road crew employed Paddy
To paint the white lines down the middle of the road.
He told Paddy that he should
paint two miles of road in a day’s work.
After the first day
the foreman was pleased to find that he'd painted
four miles of road instead of the two required.
On the second day, Paddy completed
painting just 2 miles of road
The foreman was a bit disappointed,
but didn’t complain as this was,
after all, only what he’d asked for.
On day 3, the foreman was disappointed
to find that Paddy had painted only one mile of road,
and so asked, "On yer first day, ya did four moiles o’ road.
On yer second ya did two moiles.
But on yer tird day ya only did one moil. What’s up?”
Paddy replied, "Well, oil tell ya what’s up,
but I tought a clever bloke loik you
woulda been able ta figger it out fer yerself!
Yer see, every day I gets ferder an’ ferder away
from de paint can!”
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Radio exchanges between pilots and control tower
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I have the little Fokker in sight."
*************************
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise reduction turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
*************************
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f-ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f-ing bored, not f-ing stupid!"
*************************
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long rollout after touching down.
San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are unable, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
*************************
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"
*************************
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
*************************
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I didn't land."
*************************
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.
Very clever Sense of Freshness....
A while ago a new supermarket opened in Woodvale Western Australia.
It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.
Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mowed hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.
I don't buy toilet paper there anymore
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
65 Years Ago…….
A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk.
With hours of hard work and little compensation.
When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in the 1940s, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan.
The producers wanted a rhyme beginning With 'Carnation Milk is best of all.'
She thought to herself, I know everything there is to know about milk and dairy farms.
I can do this! She sent in her entry, and several weeks later, a black car pulled up in front of her house.
A large man got out, knocked on her door and said, "Ma'am, The president of Carnation milk absolutely LOVED Your entry.....
So much, in fact, that we are here to award you $1,000 even though we will not be able to use it for our advertisements!"
He did, however, have one printed up to hang on his office wall.
I asked the wife, "How come this loaf of bread has your name on it?"
She said, "Where?"
I pointed, "There! Ooops, sorry, my mistake. It says Thick Cut."
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”
The woman below replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You’re between 59 and 60 degrees north latitude and between 107 and 108 degrees west longitude.”
“You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist.
“I am,” replied the woman, “How did you know?”
“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I’ve no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help at all. If anything, you’ve delayed my trip.”
The woman below responded, “You must be a politician”
“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well,” said the woman, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you’ve no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.
The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault.”
--------------------------------------
A dog story from Joe from Ohio.
There is a new dog in the house. Lexi, she’s an 8 week-old German Shepherd,
I bought Lexi as a surprise for my wife but it turns out she is allergic to dogs so we are now looking to find her a new home.
She is 55 years old, an attractive and caring woman who drives, is a great cook and keeps a clean house.
---------------------------------------
Another real-life story from Carolyn.
We were minding the grandchildren when the four-year-old strolled into the kitchen casually asking for some alcohol! Trying not to smirk, I explained that it was only for adults.
“But Mummy gives it to me and I know you have some in your cupboard,” he insisted.
Intrigued, I asked him to show me what he wanted.
He pointed to the cordial!
--------------------------------------
Funny Book Titles and Authors
"Home Maintenance"....by Duane Pipe
"Growing up in the Balkans".....by Hugo Slavia
"Irish Winter Tales".....by Pete Moss
"Increase Your Brain Power"....by Sarah Bellum
"Looking Into the Wishing Well"....by Eileen Dover
"How to Write a Mystery Novel"....by Page Turner
--------------------------------------
2 from Theo
I don't see why we should have to pay to go on the bus when the drivers going that way anyway!
“Do not touch”, must be one of the scariest things to read in Braille!
--------------------------------------
A man with a wooden leg wanted to buy fire insurance for his leg. The first actuary quoted an annual premium of $500, estimating that the leg would burn once in 20 years and the value of the leg is $5,000. The second actuary quoted an annual premium of $50. When the second actuary was asked how he arrived at such a small figure, he replied, "This situation is right here in the fire schedule rating table.
The object is a wooden structure with an upper sprinkler, isn't it?"
--------------------------------------
Some interesting reflections…
♦ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. But shouldn't that be an even number?
♦ Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.
♦ I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
♦ A recent study has found that woman who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra.
Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.
♦ Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
♦ Money talks. But all mine ever says is good-bye.
♦ If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
♦ My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
--------------------------------------
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
--------------------------------------
A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.
The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'
'I'm out of gas,' the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
'Try it now,' said one bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'?
The bee answered, "BP!"
--------------------------------------
Q: What happens if you get a gigabyte?
A: It megahertz.
Q: What do you get when you cross a lobster with a baseball player?
A: A pinch hitter.
Q: What part of the car is the laziest?
A: The wheels, because they are always tired!
Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope?
A: Stick with me and we will go places!
Q: What dog keeps the best time?
A: A watch dog.
Q: Why did the skeleton play the piano?
A: Because he didn't have any organs!
Q: What do you call two spiders who just got married?
A: Newlywebs.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Posting Permissions
Reply With Quote
Bookmarks