Thread: The Joke thread - Some jokes may cause offense, read at your own risk

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    Murphy says to Paddy,
    "What ya talkin into an envelope for?"
    "I'm sending a voicemail ya fool!"


    19 Paddies go to the cinema, the ticket

    lady asks "Why so many of you?"
    Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."


    I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay

    some flowers on a grave.
    As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave

    diggers walking about with a coffin.
    3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.
    I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!


    My daughter asked me for a pet spider for

    her birthday, so I went to our
    local pet shop and they were $70!
    Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.


    Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.


    My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am

    this morning, can you believe that 2:30 am!
    Luckily for him, I was still up playing my Bagpipes.


    The wife has been missing a week now.
    Police said to prepare for the worst.
    So I have been to the charity shop to get all

    her clothes back.


    When I was in the pub, I heard a couple of

    plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe

    on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
    What a pair of sexists.
    I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!


    Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter'

    who has stabbed six people in the rear in the last 48 hours.

    Believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.


    Just got back from my mate's funeral.
    He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
    It was a lovely service.


    Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.
    "Bugger that" says Mick, have you seen how many of

    their owners go blind?"
    . Please treat people as you would like to be treated yourself.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Default one liners

    How to get ripped off by the Govt.

    Answer.. Take up smoking

    How to get something free from the Govt.

    Answer..Become a drug addict.

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    OLD AGE AT ITS BEST OR IN SOME CASES WORST!!!!!

    Almost have to feel sorry for the old coot!!!!!!

    Larry and Bob, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

    One day Larry didn't show up. Bob didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Larry hadn't shown up for a week or so, Bob really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Bob didn't know where Larry lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

    A month had passed, and Bob figured he had seen the last of Larry, but one day, Bob approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat Larry! Bob was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, ‘For crying out loud Larry, what in the world happened to you?

    Larry replied, 'I have been in jail.'

    'Jail!' cried Bob. What in the world for?'

    'Well,' Larry said, 'you know Jane, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

    'Yeah,' said Bob, 'I remember her. What about her?

    'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 95 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.

    'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury’.
    . Please treat people as you would like to be treated yourself.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

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    Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out,

    "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"



    Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."



    Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."



    So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! there ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"



    "Ma replies, "Stick your head in the hole!"



    Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!



    "Ma says, "Ya have to stick your head in the hole to see what to fix."



    So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"



    Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"



    Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"



    To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it?!"

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    Quote Originally Posted by lsemmens View Post





    pointless, most of them cant be viewed

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    Quote Originally Posted by mi_tasol View Post
    pointless, most of them cant be viewed
    I saw them all via ipad.

  • #8374
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    Quote Originally Posted by mi_tasol View Post
    pointless, most of them cant be viewed
    Except for the bottom one they need to be saved before viewing, right click & save link as or save target as, that may vary slightly depending on browser.

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    I saw them all using windows photo viewer.

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    I saw them all using windows photo viewer.

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    I get a message that I don't have permission to access this page

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    Quote Originally Posted by mi_tasol View Post
    I get a message that I don't have permission to access this page
    You musta been a norty boi! I suspect that the problem is to do with the BB coding, because I embedded them using the IMG tags ant they previewed on screen before posting but then came up with these "links" when actually posing them. I was hoping that the images would actually be visible without any more jigger pokery.

    Now - forget about this and back to the serious top of making us laugh;
    I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

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    Lesley Stahl did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before our involvement in the Afghan conflict.

    She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

    She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands.

    Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women still seem to, and are happy to, maintain the old customs.

    Ms. Stahl approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?"

    The woman looked Ms. Stahl straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land mines.”

    -----------------------------------------------

    "I read about a coffee shop in Toronto that doesn't have any Wi-Fi to encourage customers to talk to each other. Although all the customers talk about now is how they should really get Wi-Fi in this coffee shop." -Jimmy Fallon

    -----------------------------------------------

    From Theo

    An Australian stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Madrid.
    While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.

    Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
    He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'
    The waiter replied, 'Si Senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

    The Australian said, 'I will have the same please.'
    The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

    The following day he returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

    After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'
    The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Señor. Sometimes de bull wins."

    -----------------------------------------------

    Historians have recently discovered that Annie Oakley, famed sharp-shooter of the Old West, had a sister.

    The sister, Carrie, gained some renown in her day as a singer in various saloons throughout the West, but it was not until after her death that she was very widely known.

    Today, countless bars are dedicated to Carrie Oakley.

    -----------------------------------------------

    Points to ponder from Ken

    I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.


    Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.


    The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.


    Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.


    Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.


    The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.


    Have you noticed since almost everyone has quick access to a video camera these days, no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

    -----------------------------------------------

    From Rhonda

    A man walks down the street when suddenly he hears a tiny voice above him saying: "If you make one more step, a brick will land on your head and kill you."

    Surprised, the man stops just as a huge brick crashes down right in front of him.

    Stunned, he continues on his way, and after a few minutes hears the voice again: "Stop! Don't cross the road, if you do, the next vehicle will run you over!" The man freezes and again is almost hit by a speeding car.
    The man sighs a sigh of relief and asks the air: "Who ARE you?!?"

    "I am your guardian angel!" Answers the voice joyfully.

    "REALLY??" says the man in sudden anger, "Then where the heck were you when I got MARRIED??"

    -----------------------------------------------

    A classics professor tears his favorite pair of trousers, so he takes them to the Greek tailor in his neighborhood to get them mended. The tailor asks: "Euripides?"

    The professor replies: "Yes. Eumenides?"

    -----------------------------------------------

    A man and a woman were going at it on the sofa when the phone rang.

    "Who was that?" the guy asked.

    "My husband," she replied.

    "Damn, I better get going then," the guy said. "Where was he when he phoned?"

    "You can relax," said the woman. "He's downtown playing poker with you."

    -----------------------------------------------

    From Bill

    A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $15,000 ring..

    The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special. Price is immaterial.

    At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $140,000' the jeweller said. "It's the famous Azure Blue which belonged to a Maharajah."

    The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. Seeing this, the old man said, 'We'll take it.'

    The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

    On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'Sir ...There's no money in that account!'

    '''I know,' said the old man... 'But let me tell you about my weekend.'"

    -----------------------------------------------

    My sister, went to the store to check out the bridal registry of our niece whose wedding was coming up soon. When my sister returned from the store, she tossed the gift list on a table and declared, "I think she's too young to get married."

    "Why do you say that?" I asked.

    "Because," she said, "they've registered for video games."

    -----------------------------------------------

    Q: Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

    A: Because the "P" is silent.


    Q: Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie?

    A: Because he was too far out man!


    Q: How did the hipster burn his tongue?

    A: He drank his coffee before it was cool.


    Q: What do you call a Lobster that doesn't share?

    A: Shellfish.


    Q: What's green, healthy to eat and likes to shake its' hips?

    A: Elvis Parsley.


    Q: Why did the pony have a sore throat?

    A: Because he was a little horse.


    Q: What kinds of songs do planets like to sing?

    A: Nep-tunes!

    . Please treat people as you would like to be treated yourself.

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    My daughter was sent this this arvo.......

    Scott Morrison has his name shortened to Scomo.

    Does this mean that Anthony Albanese should be Anal?
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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