Thread: The Joke thread - Some jokes may cause offense, read at your own risk

  1. #8441
    Premium Member
    ol' boy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Posts
    16,827
    Thanks
    7,687
    Thanked 9,470 Times in 4,805 Posts
    Rep Power
    3994
    Reputation
    164472

    Default

    If u want to go on an expedition get a Land Rover, if u want to come home from an expedition get a Landcruiser!

  2. The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to ol' boy For This Useful Post:

    enf (25-06-19),fred49au (26-06-19),hazman (25-06-19),hinekadon (25-06-19),irritant (05-08-19),Keith (25-06-19)



  • #8442
    Premium Member
    hazman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Lurking at the teakdoor
    Posts
    1,318
    Thanks
    4,161
    Thanked 7,365 Times in 1,111 Posts
    Rep Power
    3132
    Reputation
    147204

    Default


  • The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to hazman For This Useful Post:

    enf (25-06-19),fred49au (26-06-19),gulliver (26-06-19),Keith (25-06-19),lsemmens (25-06-19),mkhannah (25-06-19),ol' boy (25-06-19),william10 (25-06-19)

  • #8443
    Premium Member
    hazman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Lurking at the teakdoor
    Posts
    1,318
    Thanks
    4,161
    Thanked 7,365 Times in 1,111 Posts
    Rep Power
    3132
    Reputation
    147204

    Default


  • The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to hazman For This Useful Post:

    enf (26-06-19),fred49au (27-06-19),gulliver (28-06-19),Keith (26-06-19),mkhannah (26-06-19)

  • #8444
    Super Moderator
    enf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Canberra
    Age
    65
    Posts
    13,915
    Thanks
    12,231
    Thanked 20,530 Times in 6,139 Posts
    Rep Power
    7724
    Reputation
    355809

    Default

    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

  • The Following 12 Users Say Thank You to enf For This Useful Post:

    + Show/Hide list of the thanked

    alpha0ne (26-06-19),carjackma (26-06-19),fred49au (27-06-19),gulliver (26-06-19),hazman (26-06-19),irritant (05-08-19),Keith (26-06-19),lsemmens (26-06-19),mkhannah (26-06-19),ol' boy (26-06-19),SS Dave (26-06-19),william10 (27-06-19)

  • #8445
    Super Moderator
    enf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Canberra
    Age
    65
    Posts
    13,915
    Thanks
    12,231
    Thanked 20,530 Times in 6,139 Posts
    Rep Power
    7724
    Reputation
    355809

    Default

    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

  • The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to enf For This Useful Post:

    hazman (28-06-19),Keith (29-06-19),mkhannah (27-06-19)

  • #8446
    Super Moderator
    enf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Canberra
    Age
    65
    Posts
    13,915
    Thanks
    12,231
    Thanked 20,530 Times in 6,139 Posts
    Rep Power
    7724
    Reputation
    355809

    Default

    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

  • The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to enf For This Useful Post:

    alpha0ne (28-06-19),fred49au (29-06-19),gulliver (28-06-19),hazman (28-06-19),hinekadon (28-06-19),Keith (29-06-19),lsemmens (28-06-19),mkhannah (28-06-19)

  • #8447
    Premium Member
    hazman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Lurking at the teakdoor
    Posts
    1,318
    Thanks
    4,161
    Thanked 7,365 Times in 1,111 Posts
    Rep Power
    3132
    Reputation
    147204

    Default


  • The Following 10 Users Say Thank You to hazman For This Useful Post:

    alpha0ne (28-06-19),enf (28-06-19),fred49au (29-06-19),gulliver (02-07-19),hinekadon (28-06-19),Keith (29-06-19),lsemmens (28-06-19),mkhannah (28-06-19),ol' boy (29-06-19),SS Dave (30-06-19)

  • #8448
    Premium Member
    hazman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Lurking at the teakdoor
    Posts
    1,318
    Thanks
    4,161
    Thanked 7,365 Times in 1,111 Posts
    Rep Power
    3132
    Reputation
    147204

    Default


  • The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to hazman For This Useful Post:

    enf (28-06-19),fred49au (29-06-19),hinekadon (28-06-19),Keith (29-06-19),lsemmens (28-06-19),mkhannah (28-06-19),william10 (29-06-19)

  • #8449
    Premium Member
    hazman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Lurking at the teakdoor
    Posts
    1,318
    Thanks
    4,161
    Thanked 7,365 Times in 1,111 Posts
    Rep Power
    3132
    Reputation
    147204

    Default


  • The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to hazman For This Useful Post:

    alpha0ne (28-06-19),enf (28-06-19),fred49au (29-06-19),hinekadon (28-06-19),Keith (29-06-19),lsemmens (28-06-19),mkhannah (28-06-19)

  • #8450
    Premium Member
    hazman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Lurking at the teakdoor
    Posts
    1,318
    Thanks
    4,161
    Thanked 7,365 Times in 1,111 Posts
    Rep Power
    3132
    Reputation
    147204

    Default


  • The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to hazman For This Useful Post:

    enf (28-06-19),fred49au (29-06-19),gulliver (02-07-19),Keith (29-06-19),mkhannah (28-06-19),ol' boy (29-06-19)

  • #8451
    Super Moderator
    enf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Canberra
    Age
    65
    Posts
    13,915
    Thanks
    12,231
    Thanked 20,530 Times in 6,139 Posts
    Rep Power
    7724
    Reputation
    355809

    Default

    I was watching my neighbours cat while she was on holiday as her elderly mum wasn't able to.

    After a couple of days she phoned.. "How's Tiddles getting on?" she asked.

    "Tiddles is dead" I replied.

    After a while she sobbed.."that's so cold hearted, could you not have broken it to me a bit gentler than that. You could have said..Tiddles got stuck up a tree, the Fire Brigade tried to get her down, she fell and died instantly"

    "I'm sorry" I said.."you're right"

    "..and how's my mum?" ..she continued.

    "Well" I replied.."first she got stuck up a tree..."
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

  • The Following 10 Users Say Thank You to enf For This Useful Post:

    alpha0ne (29-06-19),fred49au (30-06-19),gulliver (02-07-19),hazman (30-06-19),hinekadon (29-06-19),Keith (29-06-19),lsemmens (29-06-19),mkhannah (30-06-19),peteramjet (29-06-19),william10 (29-06-19)

  • #8452
    Premium Member
    hazman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Lurking at the teakdoor
    Posts
    1,318
    Thanks
    4,161
    Thanked 7,365 Times in 1,111 Posts
    Rep Power
    3132
    Reputation
    147204

    Default

    A farmer went to a local bar and ordered a pint.
    'This is a special day for me', said the farmer. 'I am celebrating.'
    "This is a special day for me too. I am also celebrating,' said the woman next to him.
    'What a coincidence!' said the farmer.
    As they clinked glasses he added: 'What are you celebrating?'
    'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
    'What a coincidence!' said the man.
    'I'm a chicken farmer and all last year my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying eggs again.'
    'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
    'I used a different cock,' he replied.
    The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said 'what a coincidence'!

  • The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to hazman For This Useful Post:

    alpha0ne (30-06-19),enf (30-06-19),fred49au (01-07-19),gulliver (02-07-19),Keith (01-07-19),lsemmens (01-07-19),mkhannah (30-06-19),SS Dave (30-06-19)

  • #8453
    Premium Member
    alpha0ne's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    Mandurah WA
    Age
    63
    Posts
    1,155
    Thanks
    2,550
    Thanked 2,403 Times in 621 Posts
    Rep Power
    1129
    Reputation
    47777

    Default

    South African Dutchman Van der Merwe had never been out of South Africa.

    His first overseas trip was a holiday in Australia, he decided to spend an afternoon visiting Bondi Beach.

    As he sat on the beach looking out to sea he saw a long line of black dots out in the water and said to an Aussie, who was sitting close by,

    "What are all those little black things out there?

    "They're buoys," said the Aussie.

    "Boys?!" replied Van der Merwe. "What are they doing out there?"


    "Holding up the shark net," the Aussie told him.


    What a great country!" said Van der Merwe, deeply impressed


    "We'd never get away with that at home!

  • The Following 9 Users Say Thank You to alpha0ne For This Useful Post:

    enf (01-07-19),fred49au (02-07-19),gulliver (02-07-19),hazman (01-07-19),hinekadon (01-07-19),irritant (05-08-19),Keith (01-07-19),lsemmens (02-07-19),mkhannah (01-07-19)

  • #8454
    Super Moderator
    enf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Canberra
    Age
    65
    Posts
    13,915
    Thanks
    12,231
    Thanked 20,530 Times in 6,139 Posts
    Rep Power
    7724
    Reputation
    355809

    Default

    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

  • The Following 11 Users Say Thank You to enf For This Useful Post:

    + Show/Hide list of the thanked

    alpha0ne (01-07-19),fred49au (02-07-19),gulliver (02-07-19),hazman (02-07-19),hinekadon (01-07-19),irritant (05-08-19),Keith (02-07-19),lsemmens (02-07-19),mkhannah (01-07-19),ol' boy (01-07-19),william10 (01-07-19)

  • #8455
    Premium Member
    SS Dave's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Location
    North Canberra
    Age
    58
    Posts
    1,253
    Thanks
    2,901
    Thanked 1,658 Times in 477 Posts
    Rep Power
    750
    Reputation
    29502

    Default

    Last edited by SS Dave; 01-07-19 at 10:07 PM.
    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

  • The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to SS Dave For This Useful Post:

    enf (01-07-19),fred49au (03-07-19),gulliver (02-07-19),hazman (02-07-19),Keith (02-07-19),lsemmens (02-07-19),mkhannah (02-07-19)

  • #8456
    Premium Member
    SS Dave's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Location
    North Canberra
    Age
    58
    Posts
    1,253
    Thanks
    2,901
    Thanked 1,658 Times in 477 Posts
    Rep Power
    750
    Reputation
    29502

    Default

    Last edited by SS Dave; 01-07-19 at 10:12 PM.
    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

  • The Following User Says Thank You to SS Dave For This Useful Post:

    enf (01-07-19)

  • #8457
    Super Moderator
    enf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Canberra
    Age
    65
    Posts
    13,915
    Thanks
    12,231
    Thanked 20,530 Times in 6,139 Posts
    Rep Power
    7724
    Reputation
    355809

    Default

    "Daddy, whats dark humour?"

    "Well sweetheart, you see that man over there with no arms?"

    "No daddy, I'm blind."

    "Exactly!"
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

  • The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to enf For This Useful Post:

    fred49au (03-07-19),hazman (02-07-19),hinekadon (02-07-19),Keith (02-07-19),mandc (02-07-19),mkhannah (02-07-19),ol' boy (02-07-19)

  • #8458
    Premium Member
    hazman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Lurking at the teakdoor
    Posts
    1,318
    Thanks
    4,161
    Thanked 7,365 Times in 1,111 Posts
    Rep Power
    3132
    Reputation
    147204

    Default


  • The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to hazman For This Useful Post:

    enf (02-07-19),fred49au (03-07-19),hinekadon (02-07-19),irritant (05-08-19),Keith (06-07-19),mkhannah (02-07-19),ol' boy (02-07-19)

  • #8459
    Premium Member
    hazman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Lurking at the teakdoor
    Posts
    1,318
    Thanks
    4,161
    Thanked 7,365 Times in 1,111 Posts
    Rep Power
    3132
    Reputation
    147204

    Default


  • The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to hazman For This Useful Post:

    enf (02-07-19),fred49au (03-07-19),hinekadon (02-07-19),Keith (06-07-19),mkhannah (02-07-19),ol' boy (02-07-19)

  • #8460
    Premium Member
    ol' boy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Posts
    16,827
    Thanks
    7,687
    Thanked 9,470 Times in 4,805 Posts
    Rep Power
    3994
    Reputation
    164472

    Default

    If u want to go on an expedition get a Land Rover, if u want to come home from an expedition get a Landcruiser!

  • The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to ol' boy For This Useful Post:

    alpha0ne (03-07-19),enf (03-07-19),fred49au (03-07-19),hazman (03-07-19),Keith (06-07-19),lsemmens (03-07-19),mkhannah (03-07-19),SS Dave (03-07-19)

  • Page 423 of 442 FirstFirst ... 323373413414415416417418419420421422423424425426427428429430431432433 ... LastLast

    Bookmarks

    Posting Permissions

    • You may not post new threads
    • You may not post replies
    • You may not post attachments
    • You may not edit your posts
    •