Thread: The Joke thread - Some jokes may cause offense, read at your own risk

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    If u want to go on an expedition get a Land Rover, if u want to come home from an expedition get a Landcruiser!

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    Muslim boy: "Mummy, I don't like going to school."

    "Neither do I son."
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    I fancied this woman in a pub last night. She promised to take me home with her, if I could undress her with a few words.

    I said, "There's a spider in your bra."
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Name that song.

    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Give credit where credit is due to the Americans in the women's World Cup. An absolutely amazing achievement by the yanks.

    Finding eleven thin women.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Elon Musk and Bill Gates were drinking coffee and talking about cars.

    Musk was trying to persuade Gates to buy one of his. Eventually Bill said “OK, I’ll save up for a Model X”. He sipped his coffee and then said “well, that didn’t take long did it”.......
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    THE PERFECT FAIRYTALE

    Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"

    The girl said "No!"

    And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and whiskey and spent heaps of cash and still had shitloads of money in the bank and left the toilette seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

    THE END
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    I came out of Woolies this morning and there was a woman crying her eyes out. She'd lost all her holiday money. I felt so sorry for her I gave her $50.

    I don't usually do that kind of thing but I'd just found $2000 in the carpark.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving
    a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to
    first year medical students.
    It was not an exciting subject so the professor decided to
    lighten up the mood. He pointed to a young woman in
    the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your asshole
    is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
    She replied, 'Probably golfing with his buddies.’
    I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

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    Last edited by lsemmens; 12-07-19 at 03:42 PM.
    I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

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    The TransJENNER Song..

    If a person has a penis he's a man
    If a person has a penis he's a man
    If he doesn't want to lose it
    Even though he may not use it
    If a person has a penis he's a man

    If a person has a nutsack he's a man
    If a person has a nutsack he's a man
    Don't tuck it in to conceal it
    Let it dangle and reveal it
    If a person has a nutsack he's a man

    If he amputates his bits, he's STILL a man
    If he grows a pair of tits, he's STILL a man
    If the chromosomes a "Y"
    He will ALWAYS be a guy
    If he's born with all those bits then he's STILL a man
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    During his physical examination, a doctor asked a man about his physical activity level.



    He described a typical day this way:

    "Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7km through some pretty rough terrain.

    I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through bush.

    I got sand in my shoes and my eyes.

    I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills.

    I took a few 'pees' behind some big trees - (ahhh, what a relief)

    The mental stress of it all left me shattered.

    At the end of it all I drank eight beers"



    Inspired by the story, the doctor said,

    "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"



    "No," he replied, "I'm just a rotten golfer".

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