Paddy asks, “Mick, how did you get on at the faith healer meeting last night?"
Mick replies, “He was absolute shit. Even the fella in the wheelchair got up and walked out!”
Two days after starting my new job my boss caught me asleep at my desk.
"What are you doing?" he demanded. "At your interview I asked about your attitude to work and you told me you were like a lion!"
"Aah no," I corrected him. "I said, I like a lie in."
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years. But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it.
Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 32, looking for some action!" I've sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy.
The wife's been hinting she want's something black and lacy for her birthday. So I've got her a pair of football boots.
Growing up with a dyslexic father had its advantages. Whenever he caught me swearing, he used to wash my mouth out with soup.
My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked the dinner, so I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Anyone got an owner’s manual for a wife? Mine's giving off a terrible whining noise!
My wife apologised for the first time ever today. She said she's sorry she ever married me.
My wife said I needed to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car, burnt the dinner and ignored her all day for no reason.
Scientists have discovered a certain food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent. It's called wedding cake.
Things turned really ugly at my house last night. The wife removed her make up.
My wife shouted at me this morning for not opening the car door for her. I would have, but I was too busy swimming to the surface.
I was the first on the scene when a minibus full of muslims crashed on the M7 near Sydney. It was carnage; broken bones, cuts, gashes... blood everywhere.
Thank f*ck I’d recently been on a first aid course, as my training kicked in straight away. I sat on the ground, put my head between my knees, breathed deeply, and that awful faint-headed feeling disappeared almost immediately.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
In ASCENDING order, those exclamations were:
11. "What the @#$% do you mean, we are sinking?"
~ Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912.
10. "What the @#$% was that?"
~ Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
~ George Custer, 1877
8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."
~ Albert Einstein, 1938.
7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"
~ Picasso, 1926
6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"
~ Pythagoras, 126 BC.
5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
~ Michelangelo, 1566.
4. "Where the @#$% are we?"
~ Amelia Earhart, 1937
3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!"
~ Noah, 4314 BC
2. "Aw, come on Monica. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"
~ Bill Clinton, 1998
"AND THE WINNER IS ....
1. "There is no @#$%ing way Trump will ever become President"
~ Hillary Clinton, 2016
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Q: Why do women like to have sex with the lights off?
A: They can't stand to see a man have a good time!
Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?
A: Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
Q: Whats a condom and a coffin got in common?
A: They both hold stiffs but one is cumin and one is going!
Q: When is a man most intelligent, before, after or during sex?
A: During sex cuz he's plugged up to the knowledge source=
Sex is like math.
Add a bed, Subtract the clothes, Divide the legs, and pray you don’t Multiply!
Sex is like a misdameanor, the more I miss it, DA meaner I get
How do you know if you have a high sperm count ?
If she has to chew before she can swallow.
Two potatos are standing on a corner, how can you tell which one is a prostitute?
The one that says IDAHO!
Q: What did the penis say to the condom?
A: Cover me I'm going in!
How can you tell which is the head nurse?
She's the one with the dirty knees.
Have you noticed that more and more women are having their navel’s pierced?
That's because its a handy place to hang the air freshener.
How do you make your girlfriend cry while having sex?...Phone her!
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.
What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant.
Scientists have discovered a certain food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent....
Wedding cake.
What is the difference between erotic sex and kinky sex?
During erotic sex you use a feather, during kinky sex you use the whole chicken.
Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mother!
What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Whats the difference between a roast beef sandwich and a blow job?
( "I don’t know what?" )
You don’t know? Soooo...you wanna do lunch tomorrow?
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis?
The man.
Q: What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A: A cherry float.
Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A: To find a tight seal.
Q: What’s the difference between light and hard?
A: You can sleep with a light on.
Q: Why is fresh air a lot like sex?
A: Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any.
Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
Q: Why did god give woman 2 sets of lips?
A: So they can piss & moan at this same time!
Q: What are three words you dread the most while making love?
A: "Honey, I'm home."
Q: How could the redneck mom tell that her daughter was on her period?
A: She could taste the blood on her son’s dick!
Q: How is sex like air?
A: It's no big thing unless you aren't getting any.
Q: What do you call 2 nuns and a blonde?
A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.
Q: What can a girl put behind her ears to make her sexy?
A: Her knees.
Q: What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
A: Sex.
Q: What does the sign on the whore house say, after they have closed for the day?
A: We're Closed, Beat It!
"Do you have headaches, nausea, blurred vision and intermittent hearing?"
"Yes Doctor."
"Are you irritable, cranky, short-tempered, tired and miserable?"
"Yes Doctor."
"Have you had a bang to the head and can't sleep properly?"
"Yes Doctor. Do I have a concussion?"
"No, you're just married."
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
YouTube section or Joke section...??????
If u want to go on an expedition get a Land Rover, if u want to come home from an expedition get a Landcruiser!
I've put my Rottweiler on a vegan diet.
So far, I've fed him three of the fools.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
I was up in court for assaulting a Pakistani.
The judge said, 'The court will be treating this as a hate crime.'
I said, 'Hate crime? But I acted out of love!'
'What do you mean?'
'Well, I love beating up Pakis.'
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious! She is keeping it and reads it whenever she feels depressed. Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English.
Getting There: Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests. The Hotel: This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self. The Restaurant: Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you. Your Room: Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! .. You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts. Bed: Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers. Above All: When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it.
I want the next flight over there !!!!
Red sky at night. Shepherd’s delight.
Blue sky at night...................Day
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Murphy says to Paddy,
"What ya talkin into an envelope for?"
"I'm sending a voicemail ya fool!"
19 Paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.
As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin.
3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.
I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our
local pet shop and they were £70!!!
Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning,
can you believe that 2:30am?!
Luckily for him, I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
The wife has been missing a week now.
Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today,
she shut her eyes and stopped breathing.
I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead
and realised she was just on standby.
When I was in the pub, I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they
wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexists.
I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!
Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six
people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be
following some kind of pattern.
Just got back from my mate's funeral.
He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.
"Bugger that" says Mick, "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
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