Thread: The Joke thread - Some jokes may offend, read at own risk. Jokes only, no comments.

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    Quote Originally Posted by enf View Post
    What’s the difference between a snarling Rottweiler sinking its teeth into next door’s cat, and my wife complaining about me chatting up the barmaid at our local?

    The Rottweiler will eventually let it go.
    One gets to eat pussy for sure and the other one probably not for the foreseeable future.
    True freedom is the greatest gift a man can possess, yet is the one thing most easily and innocently given away, to crafty curses and binds cleverly disguised as blessings and gifts, in the pursuit of supposed achievement, status and power.

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    On the first day, God created the dog and said, sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this I will give you a life span of twenty years.
    The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
    And God said that it was good.

    On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
    The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
    And God again said that it was good.

    On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
    The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
    And God agreed it was good.


    On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
    But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
    "Okay," said God, "You asked for it."


    So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
    Life has now been explained to you.
    There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service…..If you are looking for me, I will be on the front porch!

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

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    MUSLIM BACKLASH

    An Interesting Story seen in the Bankstown and Auburn local newspapers recently.
    Local Lebanese and Asian leaders here are upset at the Liberal Party for threatening to send back the illegal boat people and to restrict immigration.
    So this weekend they boycotted all Australian-owned businesses in the Sydney area as a demonstration of their economic impact on the community.
    The boycott was declared a success by the Lebanese community and Asian leaders, noting that revenue in Aussie-owned businesses was down by 19%.
    However, it is reported that Aussie business owners also declared the boycott a success.
    They pointed out that shoplifting was reduced by 77%, money orders sent out of the country were down by 97%, the cost of daily clean-up and trash collection was down by 84%.
    Shoppers reported that they could actually hear English being spoken throughout the community for the first time in recent memory, and customers actually paid for purchases with real money, not government debit cards or fake credit cards



    As it should be.

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    True freedom is the greatest gift a man can possess, yet is the one thing most easily and innocently given away, to crafty curses and binds cleverly disguised as blessings and gifts, in the pursuit of supposed achievement, status and power.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Man to a very beautiful Air Hostess: Whats your name?
    Air Hostess: Eva Benz..
    Man: Lovely name .. Any relation to Mercedes Benz?
    Air Hostess: (Smiling) Maintenance cost is the same..
    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

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    Lead me not into temptation
    Oh hell who am I kidding.
    Follow me I know a shortcut.
    Last edited by SS Dave; 23-08-19 at 08:13 PM.
    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

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    Also VW combi
    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

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    I watched my son walk back to the pavilion, "Well done son, " I said, "you'll play for England one day. "

    "Dad, " he replied, "I was bowled out for a duck, twice. "

    "I know son, I know, " I answered.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    BITCH PLEASE

    Your vagina has been used more than google.
    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

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    Quote Originally Posted by SS Dave View Post
    BITCH PLEASE

    Your vagina has been used more than google.
    More entries than Tattslotto used to be the saying
    I guess times change
    If u want to go on an expedition get a Land Rover, if u want to come home from an expedition get a Landcruiser!

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    Quote Originally Posted by ol' boy View Post
    More entries than Tattslotto used to be the saying
    I guess times change
    Need to tie a surfboard across my bum first, was my era.

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    more meat than a sausage machine In my days

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    She's had more cocks than a second hand slug gun
    If u want to go on an expedition get a Land Rover, if u want to come home from an expedition get a Landcruiser!

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