The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
A patient cured is a customer lost.
Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
An Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said.
"Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" The Irishman says? "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Have you ain't got no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says the Irishman.
"Fair enough," says the boss.
"Here's your second question.
Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a little smudge on each tree... "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says,
"How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says,
"All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says,
"Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers,
"A little dog come along and poop by each tree.
So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"
The Irishman is now head of Qantas
It needed (DPF delete & EGR blocked) in small print underneathOriginally Posted by enf
If u want to go on an expedition get a Land Rover, if u want to come home from an expedition get a Landcruiser!
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
If the number of Muslims pouring into England keeps increasing at the current rate the British Isles are going to have to be renamed the Paedoph Isles.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Someone has just bet me that I can't make a sentence without using the letter 'e'.
How the f*ck am I going to do that?
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Number One Idiot, so far in 2019
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control centre.
Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants.
I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.
I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away..
Number Two Idiot so far in 2019
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out
of the plane and home.
Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Westpac Rescue Helicopter coming towards them.
It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.
They are no longer employed at Boeing.
Number Three Idiot so far in 2019
A man, wanting to rob a Bank of Queensland , walked into the Branch and wrote 'Put all your muny in this bag.'
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the
police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank and crossed the street to the NAB Bank.
After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbour, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of Queensland deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a NAB deposit slip or go back to Bank of Queensland ...
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK' and left.
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at the Bank of Queensland. Happened in Noosa!
Number Four Idiot so far in 2019
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer.
After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf.
He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, 'Because I don't believe you are over 21.'
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him.
At this point, the robber took his driver's licence out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag.
The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of
the robber that she got off the licence. They arrested the robber two hours later.
Number Five Idiot so far in 2019
A pair of robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, 'Nobody move!' When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him..
Number Six Idiot so far in 2019
Seems this bloke wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just throw a brick through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run.
So he lifted the brick and heaved it over his head at the window.
The brick bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Flexi-Glass... The whole event was caught on
videotape.. Perth WA ...
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local McDonalds and ordered a burger..
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg..
Happened in Surfers Paradise !!!
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
''Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
Happened in Melbourne ...
JUST AN IDIOT
When my husband and I arrived at a car dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know - I already done that side.'
This was at the FORD dealership Dubbo.
Some of those have been around the block more times than I can count.
True story from last century. A bloke was standing in line at a bank in Darwin - He ended up robbing the people in the line because his bus was due to leave. (Obviously he didn't get too far.)
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
gulliver (04-10-19)
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Not sure this is a joke. Just read it in the comments section of YouTube
And thought it was bloody spot on....
How a women's brain works -
1 second - I need a man
5 hours later - I think I'm a lesbian
6 months later - I want a career
20 minutes later - I want a holiday
1 year later - I want kids
10 minutes later - I never want kids
25 years later - I hate my husband because he works his ass off for me and the kids to have nice things, but because he wants a beer, I hate him.
That's women
If u want to go on an expedition get a Land Rover, if u want to come home from an expedition get a Landcruiser!
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
If your wrong and you shut up, you're wise.
If your right and shut up, you're married
Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
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