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Thread: The Joke thread - Some jokes may cause offense, read at your own risk

  1. #8821
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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    I asked the wife what she would like for her birthday.

    She said surprise me, so I phoned her from Bangkok.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    On Remembrance Sunday, it's important to remember the thousands of Muslims that died in both world wars.

    It lightens the mood.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    COMPARING CULTURES


    A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbucks one day comparing their two cultures.

    Over a double latte, the Greek mentions “You may recall that we built the Pantheon, along with the Temple of Apollo.”

    “Well, it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.”

    “But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics.”

    “Granted, but it was the Irish who built the first timepieces.”

    Knowing that he’s about to deliver the coup de grace, the son of Athens points out with a note of finality:

    “Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!”

    “True enough, but it was the Irish who got women involved.”

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    Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.
    Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

    She made a mistake, however, when she accused a new member, Frank, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup
    parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

    She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would surely know what he was doing.
    Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away.
    He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

    Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house .... walked home .... and left it there all night ...

    --------------------------------------------

    Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. "Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood!!"

    --------------------------------------------

    Over the years, my husband and I have usually managed to decode the cute but confusing gender signs sometimes put on restaurants' restroom doors (Buoys and Gulls, Laddies and Lassies, etc.), but every so often we get stumped.

    Recently my husband Dave wandered off in search of the men's room and found himself confronted by two marked doors. One was labeled "Bronco," and the other was designated "Cactus." Completely baffled, he stopped a restaurant employee.

    "Excuse me; I need to use the restroom," he said, gesturing toward the doors, "Which one should I use?"

    "Actually, we would prefer you to go there," the employee said, pointing to a door down the hall marked "Men." "Bronco and Cactus are our private dining rooms."

    --------------------------------------------

    Girl: You remind me of the sea.
    Boy: Why? Because I'm so wild and romantic?
    Girl: No. Because you make me sick.

    --------------------------------------------

    The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage. Mark Russell

    --------------------------------------------

    "Consultants have credibility because they aren't dumb enough to work at your company." -Scott Adams

    --------------------------------------------
    Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful. His grandmother remarked..."doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?"
    Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed."
    This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him "What makes you
    say God did this with his left hand?"
    "Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus
    sits on God's right hand!"

    --------------------------------------------

    A new neighbour asked the little girl next door if she had any brothers and sisters. She replied, "No, I'm the lonely child."

    --------------------------------------------

    When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm notsure."
    "Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four."

    --------------------------------------------

    The first woman recruit in the Army reported for duty and
    was told that although her quarters would be in a separate
    building, she was to mess with the men.

    It wasn't until four weeks later someone finally told her
    that meant to eat her meals with them.

    --------------------------------------------

    Many years ago, there was a Russian Czar named Rudolph the Red. One morning, just prior to Xmas, Rudolph and his wife were sharing pleasantries and
    making conversation when Rudolph opined that it looked like it was raining
    outside.

    His wife--as often happens in partnerships--chose the opposite view and claimed it was snowing. Rudolph suggested they both duck outside for a few moments to confirm which it was. Having done this and being proved correct, Rudolph said
    " Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!".

    --------------------------------------------

    An English professor announced to the class; "There are two words I don't allow in my class. One is gross and the other is cool."

    From the back of the room a voice called out, "Yeah? So, what are the words?"

    --------------------------------------------

    A man complained, "Doc, I've been to three other clinics and none of them agreed with your diagnosis."

    The doctor calmly replied, "Just wait until the autopsy, then they'll see that I was right."

    --------------------------------------------

    "I think a secure profession for young people is history teacher, because in the future, there will be so much more of it to teach." --Bill Muse

    --------------------------------------------

    Some bad one-liners from Tommy Cooper submitted by Richard.

    The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up; I
    said, "Did you get my drift?"


    So I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint,
    this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said, "Those are pickled onions".


    But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack
    myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.


    So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there
    was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.


    And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags. He's
    bisatchel.


    What do you give a cannibal who is late for dinner? The cold shoulder.

    --------------------------------------------

    Our local chemist was robbed last week and a quantity of Viagra was stolen.
    Police say that they are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.

    --------------------------------------------

    A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor.
    She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked.
    "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

    --------------------------------------------

    A couple was waiting for their food at a Chinese restaurant when an elderly waiter set chopsticks at their places. The woman made a point of reaching into her purse and pulling out her own pair.

    "As an environmentalist," she declared, "I do not approve of destroying bamboo forests for throwaway utensils."

    The old waiter inspected her chopsticks. "Very beautiful," he said politely. "Ivory."

    --------------------------------------------

    A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron.

    "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."

    --------------------------------------------

    Q: Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?

    A: He was just going through a stage.


    Q: What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

    A: A carrot.


    Q: What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?

    A: A labracadabrador.


    Q: What did the alien say to the garden?

    A: Take me to your weeder.


    Q: What kind of key opens a banana?

    A: A monkey!


    Q: What do snakes put on their kitchen floors?

    A: Rep-tiles!
    . Please treat people as you would like to be treated yourself.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Did you know,
    Senior Citizens are the nation's leading carriers of AIDS!!


    HEARING AIDS

    BAND AIDS

    ROLL AIDS

    WALKING AIDS

    MEDICAL AIDS

    GOVERNMENT AIDS

    Most of all,

    MONETARY AIDS for their kids!

    And Not forgetting HIV!

    (Hair is Vanishing!)
    . Please treat people as you would like to be treated yourself.

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    SENIOR'S DAY AT THE GOLF COURSE

    David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex.....

    #10... A below par performance is considered damn good.
    #9... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
    #8... It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
    #7... Foursomes are encouraged.
    #6... You can still make money doing it as a senior.
    #5... Three times a day is possible.
    #4... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.
    #3... If you live in Florida , you can do it almost every day.
    #2... You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.

    And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex.....
    #1... When your equipment gets old you can replace it!
    . Please treat people as you would like to be treated yourself.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    An elderly man was sitting at the Quayside staring into the water and
    looking very dejected, when his life long friend came along & asked him...

    John why are you looking so sad, what is the problem ?

    He replied,

    Well look at all the boats out there in the harbour, I was responsible
    for designing & building almost all those boats, and do the people
    call me "John the boat builder" ? NO! they don't !

    ... and look at that hotel over there, I was responsible for designing
    & building it, and do the people call me "John the hotel builder" ?
    NO! they don't !

    ... and look at all the houses over there, I was responsible for
    designing & building them all, and do the people call me "John the
    house builder" ? NO! they don't !

    ... but I F**K _one_ goat and...

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