Thread: The Joke thread - Some jokes may offend, read at own risk. Jokes only, no comments.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Dave was bragging to his boss, day after day, "Let me tell you, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

    Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

    "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

    So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, Tom Cruise opens it and shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

    Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

    "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.

    "President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.

    "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the daily tour and gestures security to bring him and his boss into the Oval Office. As soon as they entered Obama rushed to embrace him calling, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but that can be delayed; you and your friend just get on over here let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

    Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.

    After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

    "The Pope," his boss replies.

    "Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.

    Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in St Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

    He disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.

    Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

    Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"

    His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw...you...and the Pope...came out on to the balcony and the man next to me...said...'Who the hell is that on the balcony with Dave?'"

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Quote Originally Posted by hazman View Post
    Dave was bragging to his boss, day after day, "Let me tell you, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

    Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

    "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

    So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, Tom Cruise opens it and shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

    Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

    "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.

    "President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.

    "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the daily tour and gestures security to bring him and his boss into the Oval Office. As soon as they entered Obama rushed to embrace him calling, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but that can be delayed; you and your friend just get on over here let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

    Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.

    After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

    "The Pope," his boss replies.

    "Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.

    Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in St Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

    He disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.

    Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

    Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"

    His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw...you...and the Pope...came out on to the balcony and the man next to me...said...'Who the hell is that on the balcony with Dave?'"
    Google 'the great australian larrikan ' by frank hardy. stories about dooley franks.....

    frank hardy told it way better....
    Sent from my VOG-L09 using Tapatalk
    Last edited by hoe; 18-11-19 at 04:23 PM.

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    ?
    Last edited by hinekadon; 18-11-19 at 05:32 PM. Reason: wrong

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    Stages Of Sex:

    New Couple Sex: Every day, sometimes twice or three times.

    Married Couple Sex: Once or twice a week.

    Older Couple Sex: Once or twice every few months.

    Hallway Sex: You pass each other in the hallway and shout “#Ą*Ω˘& You!”
    I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Prince Andrew....

    Imagine being such an incredibly incompetent prick, that you're born into a position where you literally have to do jack sh!t for your entire life.... and you even f*ck THAT up.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Yes.....I know its probably been posted before


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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    A woman asked the pharmacist, "Do you sell Viagra?"

    "Yes," he answered.



    She asked, "Does it work?"

    "Yes," he answered.



    She said, "Can you get it over the counter?"

    "I can, if I take two," he replied.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Mathematics:


    This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
    It has an indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
    This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint..it goes like this:

    What Makes 100%?

    What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

    Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
    We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over
    100%.

    How about achieving 103%?

    What makes up 100% in
    life?

    Here's a little mathematical formula that might help
    you answer these questions:

    If:
    A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

    is represented as:
    1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

    Then:

    H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
    8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 =
    98%

    and

    K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
    11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

    But ,

    A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
    1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5
    = 100%

    And,

    B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
    2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20
    = 103%

    AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

    A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
    1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+
    14+7 = 118%

    So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty,
    that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullsh!t and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

    Now you know why some people are where they are!

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Last edited by lsemmens; 29-11-19 at 12:52 PM.
    I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

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    Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers question time.

    One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is. "Kenneth," he says.

    "And what is your question, Kenneth?" she asks.

    "I have three questions," he says.
    "First -- whatever happened in Benghazi?
    "Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts?
    "And, third -- whatever happened to the missing six billion dollars while you were Secretary of State?"

    Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

    When they resume Hillary says, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time.
    Who has a question?"

    A different boy -- little Johnny -- puts his hand up.

    Hillary points to him and asks him what his name is.
    "Johnny," he says.

    "And what is your question, Johnny?" she asks.

    "I have five questions," he says.

    "First -- whatever happened in Benghazi?
    "Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts?
    "Third -- whatever happened to the missing six billion dollars while you were Secretary of State?
    "Fourth -- why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
    "And, fifth -- where's Kenneth?"
    You can learn alot using Google, and the search button.....

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    So ridiculously far fetched some of these porn films. I just watched one with a guy popping round to fix the washing machine holding a set of carbon brushes for the motor, and telling the woman he'll have her spinning and wet in next to no time!

    FFS! Everyone knows that the Samsung WW90J5456FW ecobubble™ Freestanding Washing Machine has brushless motors !!!

    Come on filmmakers, at least make it a BIT believable!
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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