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Thread: The Joke thread - Some jokes may cause offense, read at your own risk

  1. #8861
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    A man went to the doctor’s office to get a double dose of Viagra.
    The doctor told him that he couldn’t allow him a double dose.
    “Why not?” asked the man.
    “Because it’s not safe,” replied the doctor.
    “But I need it really bad,” said the man.
    “Well, why do you need it so badly?” asked the doctor.
    The man said, “My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can’t you see? I must have a double dose.”
    The doctor finally relented saying, “Okay, I’ll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.”

    On Monday, the man dragged himself in; his arm in a sling.
    The doctor asked, “What happened to you?”
    The man said, “No one showed up.”
    . Please treat people as you would like to be treated yourself.

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  • #8862
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    Over in the UK, a very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her "Stammerers Action Group”.
    She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success. No-one was improving.

    Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said "If any of you can tell me, without stuttering, the name of the town where you were born I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water. So, who wants to go first?"

    The Englishman piped up.
    "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham."

    "That's no use, Trevor," said the speech therapist.

    "Who's next?"

    The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out
    "P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".

    “That's no better.There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.”

    “How about you, Paddy?”

    The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out
    " London .."

    “Brilliant, Paddy!” said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.

    After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said




    "-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".
    . Please treat people as you would like to be treated yourself.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    The wife was driving us in the countryside when she said to me sexily with a wink "why don't we do something we've never done in the car before?"

    I thought "Oh f*ck, this is just what I need."

    But I relented and said "Oh go on then, put it in fourth gear."
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    The manager of the first professional women's football team was being interviewed.

    "And what was the hardest part about creating the first professional women's team?"

    "Persuading 11 women to be seen in public in the same outfit."
    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

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    It is no surprise that the naming of toilets has prompted even more submissions.

    Bill and Doug both sent this one in…

    Conveniences at a Kennel Club - Pointers and Setters.
    It's a five-minute walk from my house to the pub.
    It's a thirty-five minutes from the pub to my house.
    The difference is staggering.


    I don't want to end the year on a bad note.
    So apologize to me.


    I just got a job at the Guillotine Factory.
    I'll be heading there shortly.


    My wife asked if her appendix scar made her unattractive.
    Apparently, "don't worry, your boobs will cover it" was not the answer she was looking for.
    Our men's swimming group meet daily at 7.30 for an ocean swim. The women's group the Mermaids (what else) are also in the water.
    Being blokes we are a little slow in coming up with a suitable group name but one of the ladies had a sudden flash of brilliance and solved our problem.

    Over the last few days there has been a number of blue bottle jelly fish in the water and a mermaid remarked- ah yes the blue bottles - you have to be careful, they are the ones with the long .. test.icles.
    Our new men's group name is now officially the Blue Bottles-caricature logo underway - merch out soon.
    Husband takes his wife to a disco.

    There’s a guy on the dance floor dancing like a king –moonwalking, break dancing, head spins, the works.

    The wife turns to her husband and sighs: "You see that man? 25 years ago he asked me to marry him and I said no."
    Husband says: "Yep, it looks like he’s still celebrating!!"

    A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man thought, "Great...he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?""Just one." gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"

    She was only the whisky maker's daughter, but he loved her still.

    An Indian woman goes to see an Indian fortune-teller.

    "Two men are in love with me," she says. "Who will be the lucky one?"

    The swami answers, "Nimesh will marry you. Akshay will be the lucky one."
    . Please treat people as you would like to be treated yourself.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Some of the finest (unintentional) double-ententes ever aired on TV and radio


    1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator ?
    'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

    3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator ?
    'And this is Gregorieva from Bulgaria .. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

    4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 ?
    'Ah, isn't that nice.. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew..'

    5. US PGA Commentator ?
    'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ......... Oh my god !! What have I just said

    7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked,
    'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?'
    Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

    8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
    'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

    9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
    'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '

    10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
    'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

    11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
    'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

    12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
    'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'
    . Please treat people as you would like to be treated yourself.

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    Father "Why do you want my daughters hand in marriage?"

    Boy "Cause I'm sick of using my own."
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Sexual equality....yeah!....I'm all for it.

    I yearn for the day when women can put the garbage and recycling out too!
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    poor prince Andrew
    Good ones.

    When Andrew sold his office (no more official duties), his secretary had to go with it.
    She was classified as a fixture, as she had been screwed on the desk.
    . Please treat people as you would like to be treated yourself.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    How To Shower Like a Woman

    Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks..

    Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

    If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

    Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.

    Get in the shower.

    Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

    Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

    Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

    Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.

    Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

    Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair..

    Shave armpits and legs.

    Turn off shower.

    Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

    Spray mold spots with Tile cleaner.

    Get out of shower.

    Dry with towel the size of a small country.

    Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

    Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.


    How To Shower Like a Man

    Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

    Walk naked to the bathroom.

    If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

    Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

    Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.

    Get in the shower

    Wash your face.

    Wash your armpits

    Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

    Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.

    Wash your hair.

    Make a Shampoo Mohican

    Wee.

    Rinse off and get out of shower..

    Partially dry off

    Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.

    Admire willy size in mirror again.

    Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

    Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

    If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

    Throw wet towel on bed.

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    It's got to be fake news. Approx 72% of 15-year-old girls in Collingwood are regularly drunk and incapacitated!

    I mean, if that were true, who looks after their kids?
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    I'm suffering from separation anxiety.

    The wife left me and I'm terrified she'll come back.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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