Thread: The Joke thread - Some jokes may offend, read at own risk. Jokes only, no comments.

  1. #9301
    Premium Member
    SS Dave's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Location
    North Canberra
    Age
    63
    Posts
    2,124
    Thanks
    5,314
    Thanked 7,964 Times in 1,287 Posts
    Rep Power
    3355
    Reputation
    155622

    Default

    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

  2. The Following 9 Users Say Thank You to SS Dave For This Useful Post:

    enf (12-05-20),fred49au (13-05-20),Godzilla (14-05-20),gulliver (13-05-20),hazman (12-05-20),Keith (12-05-20),lsemmens (12-05-20),mkhannah (13-05-20),ol' boy (13-05-20)



  • #9302
    Premium Member
    SS Dave's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Location
    North Canberra
    Age
    63
    Posts
    2,124
    Thanks
    5,314
    Thanked 7,964 Times in 1,287 Posts
    Rep Power
    3355
    Reputation
    155622

    Default

    Sixth-grade science teacher Mrs. Samson asks her class: “Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?”


    Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way. “Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?”

    Mary stands up, blushing furiously. “How dare you ask such a question?” she says. “I’m going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!”

    Mrs. Sampson is shocked by Mary’s reaction, but undaunted. She asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand.


    Yes, Sam?” says Mrs. Sampson. “Ma’am, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye.”

    “Very good, Sam. Thank you.”

    Mrs. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, “Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: first, it’s clear that you have not done your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed.”
    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

  • The Following 10 Users Say Thank You to SS Dave For This Useful Post:

    alpha0ne (12-05-20),enf (12-05-20),fred49au (14-05-20),Godzilla (14-05-20),gulliver (13-05-20),hazman (13-05-20),hinekadon (12-05-20),Keith (12-05-20),lsemmens (12-05-20),mkhannah (13-05-20)

  • #9303
    Super Moderator
    enf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Canberra
    Age
    70
    Posts
    17,788
    Thanks
    16,844
    Thanked 35,062 Times in 9,090 Posts
    Rep Power
    13719
    Reputation
    646449

    Default

    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

  • The Following 10 Users Say Thank You to enf For This Useful Post:

    fred49au (14-05-20),Godzilla (14-05-20),gulliver (13-05-20),hazman (13-05-20),hinekadon (12-05-20),Keith (13-05-20),lsemmens (12-05-20),mkhannah (13-05-20),ol' boy (13-05-20),SS Dave (12-05-20)

  • #9304
    Super Moderator
    enf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Canberra
    Age
    70
    Posts
    17,788
    Thanks
    16,844
    Thanked 35,062 Times in 9,090 Posts
    Rep Power
    13719
    Reputation
    646449

    Default

    I see that they are easing the lockdown in Collingwood....

    Or "parole" as we all know it.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

  • The Following 9 Users Say Thank You to enf For This Useful Post:

    fred49au (14-05-20),Godzilla (14-05-20),hazman (13-05-20),hinekadon (13-05-20),Keith (13-05-20),lsemmens (13-05-20),mkhannah (13-05-20),ol' boy (13-05-20),SS Dave (13-05-20)

  • #9305
    LSemmens
    lsemmens's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Location
    Rural South OZ
    Posts
    10,608
    Thanks
    11,886
    Thanked 7,073 Times in 3,346 Posts
    Rep Power
    3159
    Reputation
    132832

    Default

    A man was driving along a rural road one day when he saw a three legged chicken running down the road. He was amused enough to drive along side it for a while, as he was driving he noticed the chicken was running 30 mph.
    Pretty fast chicken, he thought, I wonder just how fast it can run. So he sped up and the chicken did too! They were now moving along the road at 45 mph!
    The man in the car sped up again, to his surprise the chicken was still running ahead of him at 60 mph!!!
    Suddenly the chicken turned off the road and ran down a long driveway leading to a farmhouse. The man followed the chicken to the house and saw a man in the yard with dozens of three legged chickens. The man in the car called out to the farmer "How did you get all these three legged chickens?"
    The farmer replied, "I breed 'em. Ya see it's me, my wife and my son living here and we all like to eat the chicken leg. Since a chicken only has two legs, I started breeding this three legged variety so we could all eat our favorite piece."
    "That's amazing!" said the driver "How do they taste?"
    "Don't rightly know, I ain't caught one yet!"
    I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

  • The Following 9 Users Say Thank You to lsemmens For This Useful Post:

    alpha0ne (14-05-20),enf (14-05-20),Godzilla (14-05-20),gulliver (15-05-20),hazman (14-05-20),hinekadon (14-05-20),Keith (15-05-20),mkhannah (13-05-20),SS Dave (15-05-20)

  • #9306
    Premium Member
    ol' boy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Posts
    17,662
    Thanks
    8,131
    Thanked 10,460 Times in 5,194 Posts
    Rep Power
    4472
    Reputation
    184272

    Default

    If u want to go on an expedition get a Land Rover, if u want to come home from an expedition get a Landcruiser!

  • The Following 10 Users Say Thank You to ol' boy For This Useful Post:

    alpha0ne (14-05-20),enf (13-05-20),fred49au (14-05-20),Godzilla (14-05-20),gulliver (14-05-20),hazman (14-05-20),Keith (15-05-20),lsemmens (13-05-20),mkhannah (13-05-20),webtech (15-05-20)

  • #9307
    Super Moderator
    enf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Canberra
    Age
    70
    Posts
    17,788
    Thanks
    16,844
    Thanked 35,062 Times in 9,090 Posts
    Rep Power
    13719
    Reputation
    646449

    Default

    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

  • The Following 14 Users Say Thank You to enf For This Useful Post:

    + Show/Hide list of the thanked

    carjackma (15-05-20),fred49au (14-05-20),Godzilla (14-05-20),gulliver (14-05-20),hazman (14-05-20),hinekadon (14-05-20),Keith (15-05-20),lsemmens (13-05-20),mkhannah (13-05-20),NoAIR (13-05-20),ol' boy (14-05-20),OSIRUS (14-05-20),SS Dave (14-05-20),webtech (15-05-20)

  • #9308
    Premium Member
    SS Dave's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Location
    North Canberra
    Age
    63
    Posts
    2,124
    Thanks
    5,314
    Thanked 7,964 Times in 1,287 Posts
    Rep Power
    3355
    Reputation
    155622

    Default

    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

  • The Following 12 Users Say Thank You to SS Dave For This Useful Post:

    + Show/Hide list of the thanked

    enf (15-05-20),fred49au (15-05-20),Godzilla (16-05-20),gulliver (15-05-20),hazman (15-05-20),hca (16-05-20),hinekadon (15-05-20),Keith (15-05-20),lsemmens (15-05-20),mandc (15-05-20),mkhannah (15-05-20),Tiny (15-05-20)

  • #9309
    Super Moderator
    enf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Canberra
    Age
    70
    Posts
    17,788
    Thanks
    16,844
    Thanked 35,062 Times in 9,090 Posts
    Rep Power
    13719
    Reputation
    646449

    Default

    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

  • The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to enf For This Useful Post:

    fred49au (18-05-20),gulliver (16-05-20),hazman (16-05-20),Keith (17-05-20),lsemmens (16-05-20),ol' boy (17-05-20),SS Dave (16-05-20)

  • #9310
    Super Moderator
    enf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Canberra
    Age
    70
    Posts
    17,788
    Thanks
    16,844
    Thanked 35,062 Times in 9,090 Posts
    Rep Power
    13719
    Reputation
    646449

    Default

    The doctor approached me in the hospital maternity waiting room,

    "I have some bad news Mr Jones, please sit down. "

    "Oh no, " I replied, "please tell me the baby's healthy. "

    "Yeah..well I guess so " he answered, "but if I were you, I'd buy a pinball machine and call him Tommy. "
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

  • The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to enf For This Useful Post:

    hazman (16-05-20),Keith (17-05-20),mkhannah (19-05-20),SS Dave (16-05-20)

  • #9311
    Super Moderator
    enf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Canberra
    Age
    70
    Posts
    17,788
    Thanks
    16,844
    Thanked 35,062 Times in 9,090 Posts
    Rep Power
    13719
    Reputation
    646449

    Default

    A local Potter has been charged with murder after the remains of multiple victims were found in his oven.

    Police believe he went on a kiln spree.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

  • The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to enf For This Useful Post:

    gulliver (18-05-20),hazman (18-05-20),Keith (19-05-20),lsemmens (18-05-20),mkhannah (19-05-20)

  • #9312
    Premium Member
    SS Dave's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Location
    North Canberra
    Age
    63
    Posts
    2,124
    Thanks
    5,314
    Thanked 7,964 Times in 1,287 Posts
    Rep Power
    3355
    Reputation
    155622

    Default

    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

  • The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to SS Dave For This Useful Post:

    enf (18-05-20),hazman (18-05-20),hinekadon (19-05-20),Keith (19-05-20),lsemmens (18-05-20),mkhannah (19-05-20)

  • #9313
    Premium Member
    hazman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Lurking at the teakdoor
    Posts
    2,026
    Thanks
    7,370
    Thanked 12,511 Times in 1,803 Posts
    Rep Power
    5268
    Reputation
    250124

    Default


  • The Following 9 Users Say Thank You to hazman For This Useful Post:

    Al Bundy (25-05-20),enf (18-05-20),fred49au (20-05-20),gulliver (18-05-20),hinekadon (19-05-20),Keith (19-05-20),lsemmens (18-05-20),mkhannah (19-05-20),ol' boy (19-05-20)

  • #9314
    Premium Member
    hazman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Lurking at the teakdoor
    Posts
    2,026
    Thanks
    7,370
    Thanked 12,511 Times in 1,803 Posts
    Rep Power
    5268
    Reputation
    250124

    Default


  • The Following 9 Users Say Thank You to hazman For This Useful Post:

    alpha0ne (18-05-20),enf (18-05-20),fred49au (20-05-20),gulliver (18-05-20),hinekadon (19-05-20),Keith (19-05-20),lsemmens (18-05-20),mkhannah (19-05-20),ol' boy (19-05-20)

  • #9315
    Premium Member
    hazman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Lurking at the teakdoor
    Posts
    2,026
    Thanks
    7,370
    Thanked 12,511 Times in 1,803 Posts
    Rep Power
    5268
    Reputation
    250124

    Default


  • The Following 9 Users Say Thank You to hazman For This Useful Post:

    enf (18-05-20),fred49au (20-05-20),gulliver (19-05-20),hinekadon (19-05-20),Keith (19-05-20),lsemmens (18-05-20),mkhannah (19-05-20),ol' boy (19-05-20),SS Dave (18-05-20)

  • #9316
    Premium Member
    Keith's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Posts
    1,080
    Thanks
    8,876
    Thanked 1,041 Times in 317 Posts
    Rep Power
    597
    Reputation
    18122

    Default

    A Muslim immigrant kid in Australia asks his mother, "Mama,
    what's the difference between Democracy and Racism?"

    Mother (in Burkha) - "Well, son, Democracy is when Australian tax payers work hard every day so that we can get all our benefits..... you know, like free housing, free health care, dole money, free education and grants to build our mosques and community centres & so on & so forth, you know… that’s a Democracy.”

    "But Mama, don't the Australian tax payers get angry about that?"

    "Sure they do.. that's what we call Racism!"
    You can learn alot using Google, and the search button.....

  • The Following 11 Users Say Thank You to Keith For This Useful Post:

    + Show/Hide list of the thanked

    alpha0ne (19-05-20),enf (19-05-20),fred49au (20-05-20),gulliver (19-05-20),hazman (19-05-20),hinekadon (19-05-20),lsemmens (19-05-20),mkhannah (19-05-20),ol' boy (19-05-20),shred (20-05-20),SS Dave (19-05-20)

  • #9317
    Super Moderator
    enf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Canberra
    Age
    70
    Posts
    17,788
    Thanks
    16,844
    Thanked 35,062 Times in 9,090 Posts
    Rep Power
    13719
    Reputation
    646449

    Default

    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

  • The Following 12 Users Say Thank You to enf For This Useful Post:

    + Show/Hide list of the thanked

    alpha0ne (19-05-20),fred49au (21-05-20),gulliver (19-05-20),hazman (19-05-20),hinekadon (19-05-20),Keith (20-05-20),lsemmens (19-05-20),mandc (19-05-20),mkhannah (19-05-20),ol' boy (21-05-20),shred (20-05-20),SS Dave (19-05-20)

  • #9318
    Premium Member
    ol' boy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Posts
    17,662
    Thanks
    8,131
    Thanked 10,460 Times in 5,194 Posts
    Rep Power
    4472
    Reputation
    184272

    Default

    Uhuh

    If u want to go on an expedition get a Land Rover, if u want to come home from an expedition get a Landcruiser!

  • The Following 9 Users Say Thank You to ol' boy For This Useful Post:

    alpha0ne (21-05-20),enf (21-05-20),gulliver (21-05-20),hazman (21-05-20),hinekadon (21-05-20),Keith (21-05-20),mkhannah (21-05-20),SS Dave (21-05-20),william10 (21-05-20)

  • #9319
    Super Moderator
    enf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Canberra
    Age
    70
    Posts
    17,788
    Thanks
    16,844
    Thanked 35,062 Times in 9,090 Posts
    Rep Power
    13719
    Reputation
    646449

    Default

    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

  • The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to enf For This Useful Post:

    alpha0ne (21-05-20),gulliver (21-05-20),hazman (21-05-20),hinekadon (21-05-20),Keith (21-05-20),lsemmens (21-05-20),mandc (21-05-20),SS Dave (21-05-20)

  • #9320
    Premium Member
    ol' boy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Posts
    17,662
    Thanks
    8,131
    Thanked 10,460 Times in 5,194 Posts
    Rep Power
    4472
    Reputation
    184272

    Default

    If u want to go on an expedition get a Land Rover, if u want to come home from an expedition get a Landcruiser!

  • The Following 12 Users Say Thank You to ol' boy For This Useful Post:

    + Show/Hide list of the thanked

    alpha0ne (21-05-20),carjackma (21-05-20),enf (21-05-20),fred49au (22-05-20),gulliver (21-05-20),hazman (22-05-20),hinekadon (21-05-20),Keith (22-05-20),lsemmens (21-05-20),mandc (21-05-20),SS Dave (21-05-20),william10 (21-05-20)

  • Page 466 of 636 FirstFirst ... 366416456457458459460461462463464465466467468469470471472473474475476516566 ... LastLast

    Bookmarks

    Posting Permissions

    • You may not post new threads
    • You may not post replies
    • You may not post attachments
    • You may not edit your posts
    •